|Mom, Me, Scott at my last hospital stay--they are rubbing my legs because of the severe bone pain|
|the nurse made great hot packs for my shin pain|
Despite the #2 set back I am feeling better. I have manged to stay out of the ER for a week so I am taking the small victories. My body is aching: my wrists, ankles, and knees are so sore by the end of the day I am reaching for pain medication. It is hard for people to understand what I mean when I say "I just hurt." I know prior to this experience I wouldn't have. My body just hurts now..............imagine how hard daily things would be if your body just hurt. If going to take a shower was all you could do because afterwards your body hurts so bad you can barely sit up and make conversation. Everytime you blow your nose it is bloody. You want to smile but it hurts....I think you get the idea here. My life has definitely changed and my body is learning to heal.........slowly.
|fell asleep while eating, spilt soup--too many meds|
New year, new you..............that saying has never been so true in my case. I am looking forward to 2011, even for the mere fact that I won't have chemo scheduled. I know I am not feeling up to a big celebration, but internally I will be. When I even think of waking up and not hurting (both physically and mentally) I cry. I would give anything to wake up and feel like sitting and having coffee with Scott, feel like making a meal, like going to work, like walking around the fucking block. I feel restricted by the steroid weight gain and am sure that is part of why I hurt so bad---I lost my breasts and gained a belly---my legs are probably really confused. The last thing I want is pity, I just want people to understand how hard it is to live a "normal" life--and how much I want it back.
|Scott slept on the floor.....in a hospital.....that's love.|
|my mom, also on the floor....lots of love!|
I thought cancer was scary, but this rebuilding of my body and my life back to something that I can recognize is scary, like pee in your pants, hide behind someone scary. This journey is far from over, in fact...I think it is just beginning. A journey of healing now that the "fight" is over? I don't think so. I think I need more fight and fire under my ass now than I did when approaching chemo..........
I thought that after chemo was done I would feel something different, I would feel healed………but I still feel broken. Best part about broken things? They can be fixed!
Maybe I will start with a tattoo, I know how to help that heal.