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Wednesday, January 4, 2012

I waved my arms and flapped about


me, the person I was years ago....I had nipples then (they were awesome)
 I am doing more than struggling lately, I am drowning. I have slowly slipped back into the mentality of being an "ill" person. The car accident immobilized me and as a result I was back in the bed (granted there is a new set of bedding) but the helplessness feeling is the same. Not being able to do laundry, prepare meals, keep the house in order, work at a normal capacity is a bit much. But I was working on it, I knew that I had to let my body heal, damn those "soft tissue" injuries. 

Oh, and if you are curious, my right boob is still holding strong at my fucking collar bone, awesome.

So there I was, through both holiday's sitting with my 3 heating pads, smelling like menthol, but I could more or less be somewhat of a person.  Then a few days ago a door slammed me in the face, hard (not literally).  I have never been one to suffer from headaches, I mean nothing that would require anything other than a few Advil.  One of my sisters has struggled with headaches a majority of her life, horrible headaches, and she powers through life like a trooper--trying alternative therapies and medications, but continues her life.  I am currently in awe of how she does it, it has been three days and I am ready to throw in the towel.

At first I thought it was my newly placed IUD (yep, lady part reference--UTERUS (I bet I just lost a few readers....). I thought maybe it was because I was taking a different medication for pain so it was making me dizzy and I had to keep my head on a pillow--I have been there before. But then I stopped that medication over the weekend and starting on Monday I had blurry vision that would come and go, I felt like I wasn't able to make the connection between what I was thinking and what I was writing (or being slow in reactions), I didn't feel comfortable driving, I was sick to my stomach, they only thing that helped was being asleep, because I couldn't feel the pain. It was like a cloth was draped over my forehead and face and it wouldn't let go.

And here I am...........three days later feeling the same way, numerous medications, home remedies and a massage and I sit typing this in the dark on my keyboard that sits on my lap, facing away from the computer) luckily I am a pretty good typist so there is no concern to the knowing of the keys.....but I could really use a break here.  My massage therapist said that it was a result of the pain from my back and neck moving up into my head, she did her best, but I left feeling just a tiny bit better than when I went in, now I am back to not feeling able to drive and am almost ready to hide under my covers....going to sleep at 3:00pm is warranted and I feel doctor approved, but ridiculous.

I have a life to live, I have stuff I need to do, but I can't seem to power through. I know that part of it is because when I sink into being that "ill" person things very easily compound on each other and I fall apart, literally my body just begins failing me and mentally I am not strong enough to keep the composure. I am at a loss here, and I am more overwhelmed than I have been in a long time. There is literally nothing I can think of to do to change the situation and the more I stress over it the worse I feel.

I feel like I have become a burden to my loved ones,  these tremendous and amazing people, many of whom put their life on hold when I was diagnosed to meet my every need. I am worried that there is a breaking point, where you can only love someone through so much, then you need to begin to heal yourself. Being a caretaker is unbelievably hard, and as I continue to struggle with health issues I am worried I will lose parts of this support tapestry.  I know there are times that Scott must think of how easy it would be to be with someone who could run a marathon with him, someone who doesn't end up in the ER monthly, someone who isn't broken. I just want to be that person so bad. I sometimes suffer in silence rather than speak up because I think it is unfair to those around me.

Yesterday I got off the bed and my left leg was numb and I fell on the floor, I have been having some serious cramping and with ovarian cysts before similar things have happened, but when I start to add everything together I begin to worry that there is more to the picture. But I know I worry more than the average person, especially medically after my diagnosis. I don't want to be the girl that goes into the ER and they talk about after I leave, but when nothing works I begin to think the worst. Where the hell did they hide the "Easy" button for this shit?

Monday, January 2, 2012

lady-parts & 2012


this picture exemplifies how I want to feel in 2012
 Happy 2012!!!! I am a bit behind on my blogs, the holidays throw a wrench into my already lackadaisical approach to my blogging (which, by the way, is a new years resolution, BLOG more). I don't know why I avoid it, I always feel better after I hit 'publish'. 

For Christmas I was fortunate enough to get to go home to Okanogan with my sisters and spend time with my mom and see family.  It even snowed for about 20 minutes so I was happy.  I am so thankful that I have my sisters, they have been the best nurses and cheerleaders for the past three years, and chauffeurs as well.  My back is still all messed up, so I was unable to drive to Okanogan, thank goodness for family!

After Christmas we had to head back on the 27th for me to have an outpatient procedure at UW medical on the 28th.  If you follow my blog you know that my right ovary is two times as big as the left and it is full of cysts.....so we needed to do an endometerial biopsy to check that everything is okay.

  ***next paragraph discusses lower lady parts in detail***
Also I chose to have a ParaGaurd (copper, no hormones) IUD placed at the same time.  Because I am on the Tamoxifen, lets just say my lower lady-parts are more like the Sahara than the Pacific Northwest, so even having a pap was so painful I cried. As a result we decided that me being sedated for both the biopsy and IUD placement was a good idea.  I am recovering from those procedures pretty quick.  I am still having some bad cramps but overall not so bad--and the best part? The biopsy results came back NEGATIVE!!!! At least some of my lady-parts are working with me.

And then there was New Years..........2012.  Another year of moving away from cancer us behind me, it had its ups and downs, but when most of the chemo fog lifted I was really able to start to become the person I wanted to be, and really started to work on some stuff internally.  I am hoping for this trend of healing and opportunity to continue in 2012.

New Years Eve 2012 (I was wearing an apron because I was in character for the Murder Mystery Party)

I am bringing into 2012 a right boob that I can rest my chin on (so I may have a few more surgeries in 2012) but I feel like my family and myself are pros at this point, so I am not too worried. I am bringing a continually sore back and neck from my car accident (I still am working supported by heating pads and pillows in bed), a new care provider team at Seattle Cancer Care Alliance (both oncology and gynecology) and optimism coming out of the wazooo!

Here are my New Years Resolutions, some tangible and others I just want to put out into the universe:
1. remain cancer free
2. write the proposal for my book
3. continue to sort through the mental stuff
4. blog more often
5. begin my work out routine (once I get the okay from my providers after the accident)
6. start to attend more births, get back into the birth/education part of my life that I have been missing
7. get involved with Breast Cancer agencies and start to support women like I have been supported
8. do my best to show friends and family how much I love them and how much their support, actions, love and prayers make my heart sing
9. begin to paint and take classes
10. learn to love the new me, a little more everyday