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Monday, March 26, 2012

you don't leave the people you love alone

It has been awhile, so I put together bits of blogs I wrote but didn't publish to catch you up on what the last month has been like:
rash on legs...........not awesome.


"If it isn't one thing, it is another. Insomnia, shingles, bitchiness, itchy red spots on my legs, intense bruising, a collar high boob, lack of communication, overbearing stress, relationship concerns, tears, booze, migraines, lack of focus, no motivation, feeling overwhelmed, blah, blah, blah.....

I need to get my head straight (and a boob lowered). After a pretty intense breakdown (two days worth of it a few weeks ago) I have decided that I need therapy........though I planted my feet in the sand against it (yes, I know I have a masters in psych and counseling--and yes, I know it is ironic). But here is why I have waited...I wanted to do it myself. I wanted to be able to work through the mush my head has become and come out on the other side, "fuck cancer, I can take care of myself" type of mentality. Not to mention that traditional therapy isn't my favorite, so I am going to search out a therapist that has experience with breast cancer patients (hopefully under the age of 50) and see how things go.

I have gotten progressively more depressed since my car accident. A snowball affect that finally took over. I have been so stressed my body can't fight the slightest irritation. I continue to have shingles on my right breast (I am on my 3rd outbreak) and had a rash on my legs that was so itchy I couldn't walk, I remained in bed trying not to itch. I cut my nails short and wore socks to bed to help prevent me waking up with blood streaming down my legs. I have been on two rounds of antibiotics, one round of steroids and gave up internally. For being a smart lady, and professionally trained to support others, I have found out that I don't know how to support myself.

Maybe "gave up" is too harsh....how about so overwhelmed that it hurts to breathe. How about being blasted with great ideas and not having the energy to do them. How about being in constant pain and having a boob at my collar bone that refuses to play nice? How about being depressed and thinking I could keep it to myself and as a result, it just got worse.  So I had a melt down, a BIG one....not a nervous breakdown or anything, but I sobbed uncontrollably for two days and was miserable. I have stopped wanting to go to the grocery store, social functions, or anything really..........the anxiety just builds and I find it easier to stay home. (luckily I love my job and can continue to do that no matter what state I am in, in fact...I find it keeps my mind of a lot of crap)

I have turned inward but with little return........I was thinking that I could just meditate and move past this, quick and easy. Wow, I was wrong. No one warns you what happens when treatment is over, when you don't get lab results weekly assuring you that your counts are good, that you feel crazy because every ache or pain is "cancer". I was so focused on "healing" I forgot to heal. I glazed over the pain and exposure I had and I stuffed it, I stuffed it so deep it made my ass bigger. There was no getting to it, I was going to move on and not look back. HA"



And my current update:
I am now making incredible progress...........I still have a rash on my legs and will probably need another round of something because it has begun to itch again, but I am not letting it put me back where I was. I am lucky enough to be benefiting from wonderful light therapy and a change in perspective. I am honoring myself on the days that are just too hard because of mental or physical pain, I am letting myself have those moments without letting it affect my perspective the following day. I am working on new routines to keep me focused on stuff other than the physical pain, eventually I hope it will include exercise, right now it is more like:

-wake up, try to not hate the fact that pain is already taking over my body
-move from bed to couch, drink diet coke (trying to quit............one thing at a time here people)
-check emails and work whatnots
-go from couch to office chair
-lay in bed for awhile to help avoid taking a pain killer
-smile at Scott so he knows I am trying
-watch some TV, read a book, talk to Lucy
-forget to eat lunch, eat a mid afternoon meal so I can take my supplements
-stomach ache from supplements
-lay in bed until stomach ache goes away
-decide bed feels nice, put Lucy on bed
-Call mom
-see Scott when he comes home from work
-fall asleep
....repeat

Progress, not perfection.