free & clear

My test and scan results are in...

Bone scan is clear.

Chest CT is clear.

Lab work(s); including tumor markers are all normal.

&

Brain MRI shows NO GROWTH since August 2019!! My radiation neurologist said "if anything it looks a bit smaller".

August 2019 on the left & September 2020 on the right

All of this is tremendously soothing to my worrying mind. When it comes to tumors I can breathe easy for awhile. Receiving this news cuts two ways. I am thrilled that I don't have to add something more for me to battle with. For that I am truly grateful. The other hand will be harder for you to understand. The other hand holds pressure to be "ok" and the weight of it suffocates me. It sits and emits a low vibration right through sternum. A mix of pressure and panic that just sits there, when it is quiet, it pushes down

and it can become hard to breathe.

I feel pressure to be normal; what normal means for me I don't know. I set an expectation for myself that I can't even define. That's how fucked up this whole 10 year fight has left me. I stick my own foot out for me to trip over. It just seems like if my cancer is "under control" the rest of my life should line up accordingly, but the crux of it is my health problems expand so much farther than cancer. Even more than that, as terrifying as I find the day and night before and the day of scans, they act as mini mind-vacations. My thoughts are focused on one thing and I don't have space for any other health problem in my head. I don't think about my right ball (ha) in my shoulder "ball and socket" joint and how it is collapsing in on itself because the bone is literally dying. I forget that my adrenals no longer work and I will have to take steroids every day for the rest of my life--steroids that add to the death of my bone. I don't think about...you get the idea.

So here I am. Newly scanned and ready to take on the world. Or at least finish a blog. I think that is a good place to start. Thank you for being a part of #TeamDori and riding this crazy train with me.

I want to express my deepest thanks to those who've participated in the Go Fund Me campaign, whether you shared the page or donated. And a HUGE thank you to my amazing sisters for their hard work, dedication and love. I'd be lost without my family and I am incredibly thankful to have such tremendous support in my life.

#TeamDori #dielollidie 

3650 Days

what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Today was my 10th cancer-versary. It has been 10 years since my phone rang and the voice on the other end confirmed what I had already known in my bones. I am not sure how I feel about the past ten years. I didn't know it was my cancer-versary until my mom mentioned it, it would have just been another day...I also don't know how I feel about that. For this, my 10th cancer-versary, I thought it appropriate to share my first blog post, a post I wrote ten years ago to the day. Before I copy and paste that I want to thank you all for the many forms of support I have received over the past ten years. I am absolutely certain I would not be celebrating a ten year cancer-versary if it wasn't for all that I have been given in terms of support, love, prayer, positive juju, time, generosity, you-name-it.  It takes a village to do many things in this world and surviving is one of them. Thank you.


"Today is the day.
Today is the day I was diagnosed with invasive ductal carcinoma. I found a lump in my right breast about a week ago. Prior to finding the lump I had some nipple changes, it was flaky and red for a few months. I thought maybe it was a change in laundry detergent, or because I stopped birth control pills, I never thought that those type of breast changes meant anything......boy was I wrong. I went to my primary doc and she agreed that there was a lump and referred me to ultrasound. On Monday I had three ultrasounds, two mammograms and a double biopsy. Women, who were around my mothers age, kept commenting on how young I was, and that it was good I didn't have children.......

So today I get the first round of results. What it means is that I have breast cancer in my right breast, that has spread to my lymph nodes. They are doing more tests to determine the stage, etc... I have a consult with a surgeon on Monday, until then I wait. I am a planner and like to know what can/will/should happen--so I stopped by Borders on my way home today and bought books for myself and one for my unbelievably supportive, caring and absolutely perfect husband*--without him I don't know if I would be sitting here typing on the day I find out I have breast cancer. He is my rock, and as strong and loud that I am, he keeps me steady and in control--he encourages me and knows I like to talk and tell people what is going on--so here is my blog...

Welcome to my journey."

*At the time I did have a supportive husband, but we all know how that turned out