Tuesday, October 6, 2020

free & clear

My test and scan results are in...

Bone scan is clear.

Chest CT is clear.

Lab work(s); including tumor markers are all normal.


Brain MRI shows NO GROWTH since August 2019!! My radiation neurologist said "if anything it looks a bit smaller".

August 2019 on the left & September 2020 on the right

All of this is tremendously soothing to my worrying mind. When it comes to tumors I can breathe easy for awhile. Receiving this news cuts two ways. I am thrilled that I don't have to add something more for me to battle with. For that I am truly grateful. The other hand will be harder for you to understand. The other hand holds pressure to be "ok" and the weight of it suffocates me. It sits and emits a low vibration right through sternum. A mix of pressure and panic that just sits there, when it is quiet, it pushes down
and it can become hard to breathe.

I feel pressure to be normal; what normal means for me I don't know. I set an expectation for myself that I can't even define. That's how fucked up this whole 10 year fight has left me. I stick my own foot out for me to trip over. It just seems like if my cancer is "under control" the rest of my life should line up accordingly, but the crux of it is my health problems expand so much farther than cancer. Even more than that, as terrifying as I find the day and night before and the day of scans, they act as mini mind-vacations. My thoughts are focused on one thing and I don't have space for any other health problem in my head. I don't think about my right ball (ha) in my shoulder "ball and socket" joint and how it is collapsing in on itself because the bone is literally dying. I forget that my adrenals no longer work and I will have to take steroids every day for the rest of my life--steroids that add to the death of my bone. I don't think about...you get the idea.

So here I am. Newly scanned and ready to take on the world. Or at least finish a blog. I think that is a good place to start. Thank you for being a part of #TeamDori and riding this crazy train with me.

I want to express my deepest thanks to those who've participated in the Go Fund Me campaign, whether you shared the page or donated. And a HUGE thank you to my amazing sisters for their hard work, dedication and love. I'd be lost without my family and I am incredibly thankful to have such tremendous support in my life.

#TeamDori #dielollidie 

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