If my small toe had a nail, I would hammer it away.

When life makes me tired by 9:45 am, all I can do is work with my diet coke addiction and power through.

It beings in my small toe, the toe that's nail is so small I put a dollop of nail polish on it so it resembles an appropriate appendage.


It dwells there and spreads its way up to my feet, my feet that hold up this body, my feet that have walked my parents driveway, callused and tough, my feet who took me to doctors appointments, surgeries, chemo and radiation, my feet who lost all feeling and still fight for the right to feel.


It spreads like wildfire up to my ankles--where it burns alongside the snuffed out nerve endings, a friendly reminder of therapies.


Shooting up my legs, which ached and broke during treatment, a seemingly never ending pain, like a star across a dark sky, making its to my behind, puckered with cellulite that shows the weight of breast cancer--large with indignation and missed opportunities.


To my belly which bares the stretch marks of skittles and midnight feedings, of steroids and chemo, of pain and fear.


Next my breasts are once again invaded--like an army of ants, everywhere is taken over, it itches and burns, the memories of trauma. My scars are soothed with the dull heartache, a false sense of protection is provided by the absence of my breasts......replacements left empty, yet to be occupied...


travels then... to my heart--and for a brief moment in time, my heart stops..........and then surges to push the tears from my eyes.

Creative Healing

A self portrait

Life changing? If you make it. I attended a one day workshop by Liz Lamoreux (http://www.lizlamoreux.com/) a few weeks ago. If you keep updated on my blog, you may remember that she came and spoke at one of the doula meetings I attend, and she opened up the poetry side of writing for me, which has been shut for a very long time.  This workshop was such a freeing and sacred experience. There is something about a circle of women, all there wanting something, searching for something, coming together being facilitated by someone with so much wisdom and caring....wow.  I went in with an open heart and left with a full heart, and hope.

I was able to weave some things together that I didn't realize would make a tapestry. We took photos on a walking meditation, something about that was so freeing. There was no "right" photo, or making sure that everyones eyes were open, it was just nature and my feet and my view of the world I was in, right then, at that moment. It was beautiful. 




one of the photos I took on the walking meditation


This poem came from a writing prompt from the workshop

"this body knows....":

This body knows whispers of faces accidentally emerged in the center of its being with no invitation.
This body knows a secret silhouette wedged between unknowing and freedom.
This body knows things that would turn your stomach.
This body speaks of a prison that holds quiet innocence pounced on by foreign invaders.
This body knows the emptiness of the human womb, the sting of a hornet straight to the heart.
This body, this vessel, will carry secrets to the grave.
This body is compromised, full of commotion and regret.
This body perceives pain as a threat to vitality, this body is a patchwork display of intrusion and illustration.
This body whispers softly into the night prayers of forgiveness and hate.
This body is wedged between martyrdom and death.

one of those days

Sometimes it just feels better to lay in bed all day, sure there is no productivity, you probably kill brain cells from watching endless amounts of instant Netflix, and you would rather read something glossy than a hardback. You cry through boxes of Kleenex and maybe vomit a little. These are rough days. The emotions are on a rollercoaster that you are pretty sure you are too short to ride. And for me, the best part? When I wake up the next day “better and refreshed” I am plagued with diarrhea from my emotions getting out of hand the day before…a real one-two punch from my body.


When I signed up for treatment I didn’t realize how much my life would change. How I would rethink everything and everyone in my life with a balance scale. How much energy does it take? What do I get in return? I don’t want an ulcer, I don’t need comparisons and exasperation. I need encouragement, strength, and love. I want to be engulfed in things that make my heart sing, surrounded by people who hold my hand and don’t squeeze too tight. So on those days where I wake up and start my day, just to end up back in the safety of my bedroom that I dislike so much, where I escape only to get coffee or a diet coke, when I bring Lucy on the bed to relax in luxury all day while I sob next to her, when I am too overwhelmed to sit on the couch or to start a fire, so I barricaded us in the bedroom with a heater, wrapping myself in a blanket to wander into the kitchen to fill up my water, when I am watching American Gangster through blurry eyes, my nose so raw I bypass the Kleenex and use one of Scott’s t-shirts, when I have used the TV remote so much that the fucking batteries die and I do a house-hunt of any electronics to scavenger so I don’t have to get out of bed to change the channel, when I spill a cup of hot tea on the ground next to the bed and use my snotty t-shirt as a makeshift towel. When I cry so much that I hate myself for allowing the self-loathing.

When I wish it happened to anyone but me, why me? Why us? Why my family? Why now do I have to rethink and rework everything? Why can’t I be one of the people who float through life on a cloud? Where nothing goes wrong, and their bad day is probably one of the best I would have had in awhile! Things happen for a reason, I guess I have worked some of those out, but not enough to tip the scale in my favor. While I sit on the sea of flannel sheets and pillows I wonder what people would say. Everyone asks how I am doing, they look at me and I physically look better, little do they know the minefield in my head. On those bad days I feel guilty for not having a good day. I am alive (but that isn’t enough). I look at Lucy and wonder if I should just come to terms that she is going to be our child and that maybe our lives are going to shape up much differently than we ever thought. I don’t get the mail because I don’t want to see the bills that we can’t pay. The insurance company that paid our claims over a year ago, that has now decided they won’t. Those days I try to get lost in anything but the reality of my life. Those days I can see and understand how people can get lost in an addiction to something that lets them let go of their reality. On those days I struggle just to be.

On those days the pain gets worse, everything is amplified, I don’t want to shower because it hurts to raise my arm. Those days the nerve medication isn’t enough, my whole body aches as if the flu has taken over. When I get anxious I get nauseous and those days they are hand-in-hand. Those days I don’t want to answer the phone when Scott calls to check-in, those days it breaks my heart to tell my mom that I am having a bad day and I don’t feel like talking (when we talk daily for a long time) when I can hear it in her voice that she is worried about me. When I lie to Scott and say I am fine and that I have been doing stuff, when in reality I don’t want to open the bedroom door. Those days when the anxiety is so bad I turn off my computer, just so that I don’t feel that I need to blog about what I am feeling. Those days when I hold so much anger in,  my throat hurts and my muscles and jaw are sore. Those days where it feels like my world is collapsing and there isn’t enough prayer or positive thoughts in the world to lift it up. Those days make it hard for me to want to wake up the next day, for me to try and start another day off with a smile.

Yesterday, was one of those days.

welcome home.

the labyrinth I walked...where I let go a bit

I attended a 3 day Breast Cancer Retreat at Harmony Hill last week.  I am still processing a lot from that, it was the first thing I have done that was breast cancer related. I have never went to a support group, a therapist, or anything.........I think as a result, I placed a lot of expectations on what I would experience and though some fell flat--I believe the experience was transformative for me.  It is taking awhile for me to workout exactly how, but I can feel it coming together, so more about that to come.  I walked a labyrinth for the first time. The tree in the center was amazing and many of the people who had walked it before me left things in the bark of the tree.  I have had a worry-stone that I took with me from the day I went to the doctor when I felt the lump, to every surgery, every chemo, and it is always in my purse (just in case). I brought that stone with me and held it while walking the labyrinth.  And then I placed all that pain and worry that has been absorbed and rubbed into that stone, in the bark of this beautiful old tree, allowing it to take on the weight of the stone.  Then I walked back through the labyrinth with tears streaming down my face.

the view from the dining area at Harmony Hill

Harmony Hill--healing surroundings

While at the retreat we were asked to write a letter to ourselves, and then it would be mailed to us sometime in the future. I chose to not have my card mailed, I think it is something I need to read daily....and as usual, I bare it all, and am sharing it with all of you:

10/19/11
Dori. Well you survived, that is an accomplishment. I understand you now feel broken and are on a path of searching for how to fix it. When the tears come you are unaware of where they begin--how are you able to heal if you can't find a starting point? You are a big talker, "taking care of myself" making the time to be "healthy" ...bullshit. You can use the exercise bike all you want but you can't pedal away the tears. That gut-wrenching fear of your past and the unknown. You seek answers to questions you don't even know yet. You pray silently that your life will fall back together. Reality is that this is your life now--you need to figure it out. You faced death for the first time but you will face it again--move on!! Procrastination is for healthy people--you no longer have the luxury! Find your heart center, where is your spirit? How do you compromise money and spirit? Make a list, check it off--napping doesn't solve problems. True, that there is always tomorrow, but tomorrow may come with more shit than today. Make meaning in everyday. Explore healing with vibrance and spirit, enjoy the transformation that can happen when you tip the triangle of spirit, mind and body. Meditate daily, not to find answers, but to find yourself. The thoughts that get caught in your chest and bring tears to your eyes need to be processed--alone. Are you doing what you can to live life? Keep trying until you feel right-you will not be the same, but you can still feel like you. Embrace opportunity and relish in solitude. Personalities change and people come and go, surround yourself with love and support. Passion & Peace   Create a mantra and live the life you fought so hard for, don't "do" because you have to, "do" because if you don't your heart will break. Reduce the stress and worry--you will give yourself an ulcer. And you have had too many problems already. Life can be cruel, as you know all too well, you have to be motivated to create changes that will continue to sustain your body, mind and spirit. Finish that damn to-do list you have had running in your head for years--come on! Why do that to yourself? It is as though if you complete it there would be nothing to look forward too, that is a lie and as a result you are stuck with an extreme guilt that you bring on yourself--fucking ridiculous.  Get it done and move on to create a new to-do. You can have bad days, hell, I think you have earned a bad week or two, you have PTSD, you have anxiety mixed with bouts of depression, you are sometimes not in control--roll with it.  You were given a second change to view life through a lens most others will never see.  You have a bonded partner in life that most others don't. Surrounded by love and support you have the opportunity to heal and create. You have the safe-space to find the new you and get to know her, love her, and treat her mind, body and spirit with honor and respect. Life isn't about a clean house, check-marks on a to-do list, the amount of money in your bank account or what you do daily--life is a gift of spirit that can be taken away at anytime. As a result people fear change. In reality this change has created the gifts and space you needed to be the "you" that has always been within. Welcome home.

I can always start again, tomorrow.

Happy 28th Birthday to me!

I had made a plan in my head that September was going to be the jumping off point to change. I was going to be more nurtuing to myself and to Scott. I was going to try and tame the crazy (HA) and really get down to business. Well, I realized that putting restrictions on things makes me anxious and I have made September one hell of a month, I am where I want to be, and I don't need a timeline...at least not right now. I met with my new doc at Seattle Cancer Care Alliance. I love her. I don't just love her, I love all of it, the care, the plan, the honesty and the knowledge. I don't feel like I have to Google everything she says to be sure it is true, she is a breast cancer oncologist--there isn't a better place for me to be.


I have been holding in so much pain and terror that I wasn't even realzing. It was a heaviness in me that I felt, but wasn't sure where it orginiated from. When Scott and I left SCCA I was in hysterics, shaking, crying, blubbering up a storm, Scott had no idea was what going on (again with the crazy) and I continued to do so all the way home and all day long, until I took enough sedatives to finally drift off into a sleep filled with nightmares and heavy sweats. My body let go of some of the heaviness, I can feel some of it is gone. That is the first step. I am at a place where I will be nurtured and supported with my continued fight. The trauma of my diagnosis, the trauma of my care, the trauma the word cancer imprints into you. I have been left searching for something, I am just not sure what it is yet. Searching for more dedication and happiness, for more time and love with family and friends, for more time to relax and breathe. And if today is a bad day, I can always start again tomorrow.

I have now celebreated my canceranniversary (yep, I am making it one word), my 4 year wedding anniversary, and my 28th birthday CANCER FREE.  I know that I have to take small steps, I continually get frusterated when I try to leap and I land on my face.  I am still struggling with having to approach life differently than I did a year ago, it contains a frustration that you will never be able to understand.  It enhibits me from moving forward, it puts me in bed in tears--a daily battle that I can't wrap my head around, in a way I am forced to re-learn the world and my place in it--talk about heaviness.


I started Effexor for the mood swings and crazy business. I have been on it for over a few weeks now and I have stopped having the dramatic mood swings where I tended to lash out verbally, which I think has made Scott a happy-camper.  I am still struggling with adjustment and we are going to up my dose, which should also help with the hot-flashes, which have now increased due to my decrease in taking Gabapentin (the nerve medication I am taking for my ankles--it is really good news, because that means physical therapy is helping, but reducing the Gabapentin, which was masking my hot flashes, has made them come back and they are a bitch). 

In the midst of all this craziness Scott has went back to school and we took our PRIDE training, which is the first step in the foster-to-adopt process and Team Lumps and Lipstick did another 5K!!! Once again, I make the promise of writing more often, I will put it on my to-do list.

on our way to our foster parenting training class

me & my mom getting ready for last weekends 5K

Our "road baby" sign

Tacoma Strides Against Breast Cancer 5K

Team Lumps and Lipstick

It's not you, it's me.

Well I have officially been married for four years, according to Scott, they have been "the longest four years of his life, but well worth it."  Which struck me as odd because I thought other than this 1 year cancer business we were doing pretty good, his response "you would think that."  I love many things about Scott, his humor and being able to put up with my crazy are probably two of my favorites--not to mention he isn't bad to look at.  We were on our way to the fair the other day and were talking about our "primes" and I told him that I had a prime once, and that he was lucky that he met me then, and he said "I must have caught the tail-end".  Also, probably true.

For two people in our late 20s we have been through more than I could have ever imagined. I couldn't imagine someone else I would want by my side, or kicking my butt up a hill.  We are two peas in a pod, we may need some repair, but we are always better together.

This past weekend I celebrated my 28th birthday, even though my actually birthday is Thursday (22nd).  I forgot how fun it was to invite people into your home, to be surrounded by love and laughter. It was fantastic, and thanks to everyone who traveled and came and got stuffed like sardines into our house due to the rain.  It means more to me than you will ever know. 

There is no secret that sometimes I like to celebrate a little too much, and as I get closer to my thirties I have realized that is somewhat ridiculous and have definitely held my drinking celebrations to major holidays (which are birthdays, weddings, and other holidays that could involve anything called hot buttered rum or cocktails).  I am ridiculously proud of my birthday celebration, other than a few bare "breasted" chest bumps (sorry Tony and Cliff) I held it well.  I want to soak in all the love and laughter. It may seem like common sense to you, but when it has been a long while since your brain worked right, revelations like this hold a lot of weight.

believe in healing



at Jamie & Tony's wedding--4th of the summer!

 I almost cried at the physical therapist today, not because it hurt (it did) but because of the continuous thoughts that have begun to take larger chunks out of my brain.  I told my mom the only reason I don't think I am going crazy is because I can recognize when I am acting crazy. Poor Scott doesn't know what hit him (words, not fists) and I just freak out, for little reason.  That is just a small, small portion of it.

The real crazy part is what is going on 'inside'.  I am anxious over everything--I have always been a worrier, and I pretty much tackled that with meditation and exercise, now I can't control it--and I know it is irrational. I worry about things that aren't happening for weeks, or just that I won't get far enough on my to-do list.  My acupuncturists thinks that a lot of it is the Tamoxifen and that sometimes with menopause you have crazy ups/downs like I am having.  I am hoping that it has to do with my brain functioning more than before--I may be crazy, but at least I can react now! I have moved past being numb to everything and holding it all in phase of recovery. I embrace that (but really there aren't enough words to express the crazy that is going on in my head). I am curious if other survivors have experienced the same thing after treatment? Or with Tamoxifen?

SO I was laying on my back having my foot worked on at physical therapy and I started thinking about a fence Scott had started to paint and how I wish my shoulder was better so I could help more--I almost had a melt down, I just pinched my hand hard to distract myself enough to calm it down, yep, pure crazy.

Tacoma Zoo adventure

September is a big month for me. I particularly love Fall, it begins the holiday season and with that comes decorations (a personal favorite). I turn 28 on the 22nd of this month. Last year my birthday consisted of something chemo related I am sure, as did the rest of the holiday season.  On the 15th of September, 4 years ago, I married Scott.  We have never really had the time/money to ever celebrate our anniversary with a fun getaway or anything, but to celebrate while healthy is better than any vacation. New age, new leaf.

I have my first appointment next Monday with Seattle Cancer Care Alliance--I am planning to transfer my follow-up care there. That is just the first step in many I have made this month for the better part of me. I am using this month to restart some stuff. I need to get back to the basics of focusing on myself, hoping that if I turn more inward I will feel less pulled apart; hoping that if I turn more inward I will find direction; hoping that if I turn more inward I will embrace vulnerability; hoping that if I turn more inward I will "honor my intuition and take the journey back to self".

This girl.....she, needs to learn to arrive differently.