batshit crazy

“my boys are ready, I’ve been giving them pep talks everyday”-scott when discussing egg extraction and fertilization tomorrow

"don't put all your eggs in one basket"
Well shit, that is exactly what I am doing. Tomorrow at 9am I check in, will have my eggs extracted while under sedation, and should get a phone call by the afternoon letting us know how many were fertilized..........all in one basket. Then the basket that the eggs should be in (my ovaries) are going to be put through the ringer, fried, fried some more, and shrivel. So I am hoping that the basket in Reno remains secure.........

I have also come to the realization that life is pretty crazy. Not just, "haha" crazy, but "batshit" crazy. All of this is crazy, the next 6 months will be the roller coaster of hell..........but I in a twisted batshit crazy way I have become intrigued...even excited to see how I come out on the other side. I know this rosy disposition won't last for long, and it probably has to do with the glass of wine I just finished--but I will take what I can get at this point.

Also I have come to realize that expectations of any kind are unrealistic. I don't know how my body will react to the next procedure, to chemo, even to rest...so I need to stop putting pressure on myself to "get back on the horse". I have decided to "shoot the gap" (I have been watching a lot of TV) take advantage of opportunities when available and sit back for the ride. I am going to be videotaping my experience with chemo so you can all ride beside me.......

So here I am, full of monster hormone driven eggs, not looking forward to tomorrow--but am happy to have tomorrow all the same.

Chemo Sucks--Parties Don't

My first wig!!!!

I was scheduled to start chemo August 12th, but it has now changed to August 17th. That way I will be able to have chemo on one of Scott's days off, a Tuesday. I will have chemo every 3 weeks for 6 months. It's the shits. With chemo comes lots of side effects, future concerns, and nightmares. So before it starts we are having a party! It is short notice because we just received my chemo schedule. Come for a bit, or stay all afternoon and into the evening--or have a late night. Snacks and food will be provided.

Invite:

The party is Saturday, August 7th at Scott and I's house. Come anywhere from 3:30pm until later, we will probably be going until midnight or so...so drop by anytime after 3:30pm.

Please bring drinks (alcohol) of your choice if you want to drink, a snack to share, and a cancer comfy for Dori: wig, scarf, hat, pjs, food, Kick Cancer's Ass things, gift cards, or whatever you would want if you were in her situation, or that you think she needs.

If you want to avoid sitting on the grass outside, you might want to pack along a folding chair.

There will be people of all ages, wear a wig if you want, swing by for just a hug,a beer, a glass of wine, a challenge of beer pong--or a late night!

Enjoy pink colored drinks and a breast cancer sucks theme. Dori likes to throw parties!!!!!!!!


Shoot me an email at dori.greenaway@gmail.com if you need our address, it will begin around 3:30pm and go until the early morning. So swing by whenever and stay as long as you would like. I am also hoping to go to Okanogan prior to starting chemo to hugs friends and family on the east side.

I miss simple life

Where do you go when each door seems to be shut, sealed, locked, bolted, and surrounded by barbwire? I want to get back to work, but then I end up having a MUGA scan scheduled, eggs removed, and my chemo port inserted. I can't seem to catch a break. I plan to go to visit Allison for her birthday and have a lunch--I wake up in extreme pain and have to take pain meds=day is shot. I want to watch a TV show, hormones make me cry hysterically at a Law & Order episode. I want to get dressed in the morning--just put on a fucking shirt and pain shoots through my chest. I want to do laundry, Scott brings the hamper downstairs (I know I can't lift that), but I can't reach into the hamper to get the clothes at the bottom--so I dump them out and scavenge. How I am going to get the soaking wet clothes from the washer to the dryer is yet to be determined. I want to have my breasts back..........well you know how that one ends.

I am afraid that I am going to forget this...the agony and hopelessness I feel now. That someday I will be the person I was before all of this--complaining of the weather, taking advantage of life, not appreciating the essence of having friends and family, not recognizing daily gifts and the comfort of true relaxation...

I want to have a baby. So I go through the gauntlet of fertility treatments--currently, my stomach is swollen and my belly-button unrecognizable. I am starting to hold fluid in my ankles and am beginning to have cramps. I have been going in every-other-day for vaginal ultrasounds and blood draws. I am a pin cushion and get injections (3) daily from Dr. Scott and Dr. Kerri. Finally, yesterday I did it myself. I will do it again today, the last ones of the cycle. (small victories) I will have surgery Saturday to have the eggs that have been forced to grow inside my ovaries removed...then Scott will do his part, eggs will be fertilized, frozen and stored in Reno for at least 5 years. Scott and I will probably need to schedule a time to visit those eggs for a vacation..........

Monday I will be sedated again to have my chemo port inserted......and am crossing my fingers that I will be able to make it to work and see clients on Wednesday. I have went from someone who schedules everything and was organized, and put together--to someone who can barely relax enough to make a schedule, or get dressed in the morning.

I miss what I like to call "simple" life--life before cancer. Stress is now a daily activity, I should just write "breakdown" and schedule them in my planner. I also feel like desserts should be delivered, just like pizza. I feel like a cancer diagnosis should come with a personal masseuse, a therapist that moves into your house, and a filter for those people who give you the "poor girl" look. Also all the cancer books that you feel like you need to read should be turned into movies........

Well my life is far from simple, and I am beginning to embrace "breakdowns" because they remind me I have feelings--that underneath all this medical bullshit, cancer, tests, blood draws, sedations, sympathy, bills and surgeries--I am still the gritty, sarcastic woman that had a plan....my plan just went off course and will be for awhile, like a road trip--great moments happen on road trips..............

emotional wildfire

The last few days have been abominable to say the least. I am overwhelmed, under slept, sore, swollen, bruised and barely able to hold onto a thread emotionally. I just want one day to not have to think/feel/deal with life right now. Even when I don't have an appointment, my phone rings 30 times to set up other appointments. And the luxury of screening calls--out the window! All the appointment call centers have different numbers so now I have to answer..........aaaahh!

I now get 3 shots of hormones a day and take 2 pills. This has caused an emotional wildfire................it should be over this weekend (fingers crossed). One less thing fret over, to have to remember, to have to gather the energy to finish.

I have felt so drained and angry that I didn't blog (my release)...."just screw it" throw a damn video on there, done and done. Something pretty for people to see when all I felt like writing was massive amounts of profanity and throwing myself the best blog pity party ever.

I have somehow bypassed the last few days and fell into this spot on my couch, with my dogs, a glass of wine, pillows, and Roisin Murphy coming quite loudly out of my laptop speakers. As I write I feel the stress and tension be released from my shoulders and wrists. The knots in my stomach loosen and then fall as tears from my face. I begin to shake as my body detoxes and forces the binded emotions that have been barricaded within. I have had glimmers of happiness these past few days: time with my husband, dinner with long lost, and dearly loved friends--but the cloud loomed close.

I went to get a wig with Scott. I was actually excited, or so I told myself to be. When we arrived I felt the excitement sprint right out of my heart and shoot out my newly polished toes--I think it waited for us in the car because it sure as hell wasn't anywhere to be found in the store. The staff was friendly, the choices of hair intriguing, but it all reminded me of cancer. The poor bald girl I was going to turn into--then I got mad. Why the hell do I need a damn wig anyway?! What the fuck is wrong with being bald? Is is because people would stare? Self-consciousness on my part? Well I found a wig, and I presume I will wear it. When I wear it it won't be to "feel more like me"--nothing can bring that back for me...I guess it will be to "feel more human."

I find myself asking people "do you want to see the scars?" Why, I don't know. Probably because I know deep down most people want to see them and will never ask. Maybe because they are terrifying to me at this point and I want to hear "they look good" which I know is a fucking lie, but I'll take what I can get. Also, maybe a bit of a scare tactic---be sure to check for lumps, or else.... And in some way it makes me feel empowered, I didn't have the choice to get cancer, but I can chose who I show my scars to, and my yaybies (as I like to call them). They may not look like anything you have ever seen, but they are attached to me, which makes them alright in my book. I am becoming acquainted with these foreign yaybies--I have little to no sensation on any of my skin on the yaybies or in my armpits. This makes many things difficult--I have to look in the mirror to preform most tasks and am always waiting for the instant shot of red, hot searing pain that comes shooting through (maybe 10 to 12 times a day). Apparently this pain is my nerve-endings getting reacquainted--well I wish they would shake and get it over with because I can barely take it anymore.


I met my new oncologist--seems like a nice guy, a guy who writes the prescriptions for the poison that will be making its way throughout my body, killing healthy and unhealthy cells, causing my hair to shed, my skin to pucker, blister, and flake--but a nice guy none the less. Chemo begins August 12. I will be getting a barrage of medications one day every 3 weeks for a total of 6 months. One day is 5-8 hours of chemo.....then the side effects come. That is what I am a bit worried about--everyone has different side effects and I don't know how my body will react.....it's terrifying.

Prior to chemo we have some housecleaning things to do. I need to have a MUGA Scan (that tests how strong my heart is) because some of the medications I will be taking will kill good active cells in my heart--that is why you sometimes hear that chemo causes heart failure--cause it is true. I have to have a PET Scan to investigate the spot in my femur further. This test can also see if there are other smaller spots of cancer that may have been missed with previous tests. I have to have my port for chemo inserted and then depending on the PET Scan results a bone biopsy in my leg. This could mean that I have Stage 4 cancer, rather than the original 3...

I am exhausted, have bags under my eyes I could use to carry groceries. I just want to wake up and start all over--no lump, no flaky nipple, no nothing. Just me, fresh from graduate school, who landed and was working her dream job and trying to have a baby and create a family with her husband. Now I feel broken. I am pulled into so many different directions I have forgotten which way I need to look. I have lost all control, grasping at straws that pertain to everything (emotions, relationships, body image, self-sufficiency, motivation, happiness, and direction). The only concrete object I have to hold onto is cancer... It is a very scary place to be folks, take it from me.

So here I am experiencing this wild/crazy/cathartic part of my life. I feel broken. I no longer feel like me, not to mention not looking like me. I will become someone new out of all this, I am just not sure if I will want to get to know her very well...

boobies disrespectful of women

Jokes.com
Myq Kaplan - Yaybies
comedians.comedycentral.com
Futurama New Episodes It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia Russell Simmons Stand-Up Comedy

Well at least I have the skin thing going for me............ Today has been good. I had a few major accomplishments. I sang in the car, not too loud, but I felt a bit like me. Also I changed my underwear! If you haven't had surgery then there is no mocking of me allowed. Underwear changing is difficult, in the past it has been panty liners, massive amounts of powder and some perfume. Too daunting for me, alone, to change my underwear. Scott went on a much needed break so it is me and my mom and my sister. But I am stubborn as hell. Scott helps me, you all read his naked rendezvous, but in his absence I am making myself do it! So I changed my underwear, and am very proud of myself. I also put my hair in a pony tale--also very hard.

The motion of putting my hands down (underwear) and up (ponytail) is very difficult. I can do it and in fact I am doing it but I think they should invent ribbons for occasions like this. In fact, I may create them (copyright in progress...) as a package, you buy them in a group after someone has a bilateral mastectomy--funny milestones--love it!!!!

Need a laugh & a smile...maybe a few tears?

William Li: Can we eat to starve cancer? | Video on TED.com

William Li: Can we eat to starve cancer? | Video on TED.com