if it is so easy, you do it.

Tomorrow is my first of 33 radiation appointments.

I wasn't expecting to feel super great tonight, and I don't.  But I honestly wasn't thinking I would have the same butterflies as I did before chemo, but I do.  The anxiety is flowing pretty freely through my body, I have spent the day cleaning and keeping myself busy so I didn't have to think about it too much.  And now comes the part where I have to lay down and that damn darkness creeps up and then my brain goes into overdrive...

And the craziest part? Tomorrow will be a piece of cake. I know this. Research shows this.  Tomorrow I have tests, a simulation, a meeting with a nurse, and then my first round of radiation. It will be about a 3 hour appointment (compared to the 45 minute ones I will have starting on Tuesday).  The first few times (at least) of radiation they said I probably won't have any side effects.....it will be a strange contrast to chemo....where I was knocked out within 45 minutes and didn't remember the next 7 days or so.  It will be a piece of cake physically....but mentally I am still not sure--I am hoping to keep the anxiety (of what could happen later on) at bay so I don't break into a fit of tears when the nurse is talking to me, or bite someone....who knows.

I appreciate that my body has had time to heal, I just hope it was enough to make a difference.

May 11th can't come fast enough.