Monday, July 25, 2011

rock, meet hard-place

I was so fortunate to be able to spend the weekend with my mom and my sisters!! I have to update with some new photos and some fun stories................but it is late and I am sleepy.  I wrote part of the blog below a week ago or so, but was too emotional to post it...I thought I should, because it was very therapeutic to write, and I dislike not sharing it......

"I guess this is what I get for saying I can't write "good" posts anymore because the emotions just aren't flooding over................well, flood. gates. have. opened.  But it isn't what I thought, and it isn't what I needed.  I am jealous, I am angry and I am stuck.  I still have everything else compartmentalized in neat little boxes--I imagine them with fun bows and polkadots, maybe some colored twine and raffia bows, big huge boxes, like the kind you hide behind the Christmas tree, because it looks too tacky in the front. 

(maybe that is why I am having trouble losing some of the weight--I am full with these damn boxes!)  But that is actually true, in a sense.  I am stressed and not really experiencing much of these "happy" emotions, so I am sure it is harder for me to lose weight.  The stress hormones are going crazy--as are my own hormones=worst cocktail ever.

I feel chaotic inside, there are so many things going on I can't get control of any one in particular.  I keep thinking that when I wake up, the next day will be better--but it isn't.  I paste a smile on my face, and then lash out at Scott for no reason, spend the afternoon crying or sulking, and telling myself that if I just did ________________ (insert one of the thousands on my to-do list) I would feel better, and things would begin to come easy again.  But I am not able to even get myself to do that one thing. 
I am doing 2 types of physical therapy--one for lymphedema and the other for my right shoulder, which as become extremely painful to do anything with.  It is constantly achy and tight--from a combination of surgery, radiation, swelling, and the compression sleeve.......................but the bright side? The physical therapist I am seeing has a laser that they use on clients post surgery to increase healing, etc...and they are using it on my ankles, I will have my second treatment tomorrow, to see if it will help with the nerve pain.
As a mental health professional I am very much aware that I am a text-book case of situational depression and my anxiety is based in the fact that I am afraid to start my life again because I don't want it to be cut short or sidelined with cancer.  I have this irrational thought that if I get things going again (because I was in such an amazing place in life when I was diagnosed, really the best of my 27 years) that it will happen again.  I know it makes no sense, that is why it is 'irrational'. 

So I need to become the tamer of the chaos. Another thing to add to my to-do list."

Sunday, July 10, 2011

"It's okay, I can't feel it"

My inner world crumbled a bit the other day.  It has been hard for me to get the passion to write a blog post......I go back and read the posts I have written when my emotions were just spilling off me, the drama and emotions were just so raw and intense,  I couldn't help but share. Now my world is at somewhat of a standstill, I am having a great time, feeling better, but to be honest I feel a bit numb. It is like the world is spinning around me, I am taking part, but not really feeling it.  I don't have the joy.  I guess I can't even remember when I lost it, but I did.....  So I am finding myself trying to do things over-the-top to get some sort of feeling, but I am still left flat.  I know I am doing it to protect myself--it is impossible to get hurt when you aren't feeling things to begin with--and my life has been unusually cruel, so I now seem to be guarded to the world.

I am floundering and can't seem to commit to a decision, especially professionally.  I was at a gathering, where I go on a monthly basis, I am surrounded by like-minded people and get to discuss birth.  For over a year it has been the place where I soaked up the energy these women give off, their extraordinary ability to serve and support others, their knowledge and experience, to witness their pure bliss of doing something they love.  I was one of them..........

One woman said that she told her clients "I have felt your pain" and that was a portion of why she could support them during their birth.  My world broke a bit.  I kept nodding in agreement and listened to others share but inside I was crumbling.  I won't feel their pain, plain and simple--I won't experience anything that they are going through.  Oh, I have experienced pain, the pain of knowing your life will never be the same, the pain of surgery and recovery, the pain of burns, the pain of seeing your loved ones at a loss because they can't help, the pain of being stuck in a body that isn't your own.  I have experienced the chaos in a medical setting, the mistreatment of patients and the serious determent that a lack of voice can have to your medical care.  I understand the innate feeling of wanting to be a mother, that achy feeling you get when you want something so bad you can taste it.  The jealousy towards others that are able to have my dream, and the anger at those who waste it.

I don't know what I want to do anymore.  Every time I try to make a decision, or steps to creating a practice I shut down.  I was there before cancer, I was well on my way to taking care of Scott and I. All my education and experience was finally paying off.  I was living the dream...then cancer woke me up.  Now, I am in a holding pattern of disappointment and jealousy.  It is really hard for me to think that someone may not want my assistance because we haven't shared a similar experience.  It is the truth. It will happen. It is understandable--and if the situations was reversed I can't say I wouldn't do the same.

I just miss my 'honey hole' (shout out to the Swamp People) of safety. The place where I knew everything was heading one way and I was on board. I miss easy. I miss "next steps" that just come in life. I miss a lot, including my ability to think about things rationally.  I feel bulldozed by emotion and it is hard to make sense of it all.  So I package it inside, within a layer of numbness.  I am living in a controlled chaos because I can't figure out how else I want to do it.

I feel like maybe that meeting isn't the place for me right now.  I feel like I want a do-over.