rock, meet hard-place

I was so fortunate to be able to spend the weekend with my mom and my sisters!! I have to update with some new photos and some fun stories................but it is late and I am sleepy.  I wrote part of the blog below a week ago or so, but was too emotional to post it...I thought I should, because it was very therapeutic to write, and I dislike not sharing it......



"I guess this is what I get for saying I can't write "good" posts anymore because the emotions just aren't flooding over................well, flood. gates. have. opened.  But it isn't what I thought, and it isn't what I needed.  I am jealous, I am angry and I am stuck.  I still have everything else compartmentalized in neat little boxes--I imagine them with fun bows and polkadots, maybe some colored twine and raffia bows, big huge boxes, like the kind you hide behind the Christmas tree, because it looks too tacky in the front. 

(maybe that is why I am having trouble losing some of the weight--I am full with these damn boxes!)  But that is actually true, in a sense.  I am stressed and not really experiencing much of these "happy" emotions, so I am sure it is harder for me to lose weight.  The stress hormones are going crazy--as are my own hormones=worst cocktail ever.

I feel chaotic inside, there are so many things going on I can't get control of any one in particular.  I keep thinking that when I wake up, the next day will be better--but it isn't.  I paste a smile on my face, and then lash out at Scott for no reason, spend the afternoon crying or sulking, and telling myself that if I just did ________________ (insert one of the thousands on my to-do list) I would feel better, and things would begin to come easy again.  But I am not able to even get myself to do that one thing. 
I am doing 2 types of physical therapy--one for lymphedema and the other for my right shoulder, which as become extremely painful to do anything with.  It is constantly achy and tight--from a combination of surgery, radiation, swelling, and the compression sleeve.......................but the bright side? The physical therapist I am seeing has a laser that they use on clients post surgery to increase healing, etc...and they are using it on my ankles, I will have my second treatment tomorrow, to see if it will help with the nerve pain.
As a mental health professional I am very much aware that I am a text-book case of situational depression and my anxiety is based in the fact that I am afraid to start my life again because I don't want it to be cut short or sidelined with cancer.  I have this irrational thought that if I get things going again (because I was in such an amazing place in life when I was diagnosed, really the best of my 27 years) that it will happen again.  I know it makes no sense, that is why it is 'irrational'. 

So I need to become the tamer of the chaos. Another thing to add to my to-do list."