Wednesday, September 21, 2011

It's not you, it's me.

Well I have officially been married for four years, according to Scott, they have been "the longest four years of his life, but well worth it."  Which struck me as odd because I thought other than this 1 year cancer business we were doing pretty good, his response "you would think that."  I love many things about Scott, his humor and being able to put up with my crazy are probably two of my favorites--not to mention he isn't bad to look at.  We were on our way to the fair the other day and were talking about our "primes" and I told him that I had a prime once, and that he was lucky that he met me then, and he said "I must have caught the tail-end".  Also, probably true.

For two people in our late 20s we have been through more than I could have ever imagined. I couldn't imagine someone else I would want by my side, or kicking my butt up a hill.  We are two peas in a pod, we may need some repair, but we are always better together.

This past weekend I celebrated my 28th birthday, even though my actually birthday is Thursday (22nd).  I forgot how fun it was to invite people into your home, to be surrounded by love and laughter. It was fantastic, and thanks to everyone who traveled and came and got stuffed like sardines into our house due to the rain.  It means more to me than you will ever know. 

There is no secret that sometimes I like to celebrate a little too much, and as I get closer to my thirties I have realized that is somewhat ridiculous and have definitely held my drinking celebrations to major holidays (which are birthdays, weddings, and other holidays that could involve anything called hot buttered rum or cocktails).  I am ridiculously proud of my birthday celebration, other than a few bare "breasted" chest bumps (sorry Tony and Cliff) I held it well.  I want to soak in all the love and laughter. It may seem like common sense to you, but when it has been a long while since your brain worked right, revelations like this hold a lot of weight.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

believe in healing

at Jamie & Tony's wedding--4th of the summer!
 I almost cried at the physical therapist today, not because it hurt (it did) but because of the continuous thoughts that have begun to take larger chunks out of my brain.  I told my mom the only reason I don't think I am going crazy is because I can recognize when I am acting crazy. Poor Scott doesn't know what hit him (words, not fists) and I just freak out, for little reason.  That is just a small, small portion of it.

The real crazy part is what is going on 'inside'.  I am anxious over everything--I have always been a worrier, and I pretty much tackled that with meditation and exercise, now I can't control it--and I know it is irrational. I worry about things that aren't happening for weeks, or just that I won't get far enough on my to-do list.  My acupuncturists thinks that a lot of it is the Tamoxifen and that sometimes with menopause you have crazy ups/downs like I am having.  I am hoping that it has to do with my brain functioning more than before--I may be crazy, but at least I can react now! I have moved past being numb to everything and holding it all in phase of recovery. I embrace that (but really there aren't enough words to express the crazy that is going on in my head). I am curious if other survivors have experienced the same thing after treatment? Or with Tamoxifen?

SO I was laying on my back having my foot worked on at physical therapy and I started thinking about a fence Scott had started to paint and how I wish my shoulder was better so I could help more--I almost had a melt down, I just pinched my hand hard to distract myself enough to calm it down, yep, pure crazy.

Tacoma Zoo adventure

September is a big month for me. I particularly love Fall, it begins the holiday season and with that comes decorations (a personal favorite). I turn 28 on the 22nd of this month. Last year my birthday consisted of something chemo related I am sure, as did the rest of the holiday season.  On the 15th of September, 4 years ago, I married Scott.  We have never really had the time/money to ever celebrate our anniversary with a fun getaway or anything, but to celebrate while healthy is better than any vacation. New age, new leaf.

I have my first appointment next Monday with Seattle Cancer Care Alliance--I am planning to transfer my follow-up care there. That is just the first step in many I have made this month for the better part of me. I am using this month to restart some stuff. I need to get back to the basics of focusing on myself, hoping that if I turn more inward I will feel less pulled apart; hoping that if I turn more inward I will find direction; hoping that if I turn more inward I will embrace vulnerability; hoping that if I turn more inward I will "honor my intuition and take the journey back to self".

This girl.....she, needs to learn to arrive differently.