Wednesday, September 7, 2011

believe in healing

at Jamie & Tony's wedding--4th of the summer!
 I almost cried at the physical therapist today, not because it hurt (it did) but because of the continuous thoughts that have begun to take larger chunks out of my brain.  I told my mom the only reason I don't think I am going crazy is because I can recognize when I am acting crazy. Poor Scott doesn't know what hit him (words, not fists) and I just freak out, for little reason.  That is just a small, small portion of it.

The real crazy part is what is going on 'inside'.  I am anxious over everything--I have always been a worrier, and I pretty much tackled that with meditation and exercise, now I can't control it--and I know it is irrational. I worry about things that aren't happening for weeks, or just that I won't get far enough on my to-do list.  My acupuncturists thinks that a lot of it is the Tamoxifen and that sometimes with menopause you have crazy ups/downs like I am having.  I am hoping that it has to do with my brain functioning more than before--I may be crazy, but at least I can react now! I have moved past being numb to everything and holding it all in phase of recovery. I embrace that (but really there aren't enough words to express the crazy that is going on in my head). I am curious if other survivors have experienced the same thing after treatment? Or with Tamoxifen?

SO I was laying on my back having my foot worked on at physical therapy and I started thinking about a fence Scott had started to paint and how I wish my shoulder was better so I could help more--I almost had a melt down, I just pinched my hand hard to distract myself enough to calm it down, yep, pure crazy.

Tacoma Zoo adventure

September is a big month for me. I particularly love Fall, it begins the holiday season and with that comes decorations (a personal favorite). I turn 28 on the 22nd of this month. Last year my birthday consisted of something chemo related I am sure, as did the rest of the holiday season.  On the 15th of September, 4 years ago, I married Scott.  We have never really had the time/money to ever celebrate our anniversary with a fun getaway or anything, but to celebrate while healthy is better than any vacation. New age, new leaf.

I have my first appointment next Monday with Seattle Cancer Care Alliance--I am planning to transfer my follow-up care there. That is just the first step in many I have made this month for the better part of me. I am using this month to restart some stuff. I need to get back to the basics of focusing on myself, hoping that if I turn more inward I will feel less pulled apart; hoping that if I turn more inward I will find direction; hoping that if I turn more inward I will embrace vulnerability; hoping that if I turn more inward I will "honor my intuition and take the journey back to self".

This girl.....she, needs to learn to arrive differently.


  1. I too am believing in healing for you!
    Good luck at the Seattle cancer Care center next week
    Your post and pics are so cute from last post.
    Love the one of you by the bathroom too.
    Looks like you had lots of fun girl!

  2. You look adorable! I love that headband. I wish you a lot of success in moving forward with your life!

  3. HEY - you look sooo good!! And also, for some reason I just realized, only today - that you and I don't live that far apart... I'm in Vancouver Canada :)

    Hmmm - perhaps one day a 'survivor' meeting is in order lol.

  4. I stumbled on your blog last week and I have been reading up on your are a very natural definitely capture your experiences in a way that someone can almost feel along with you. And when I say "almost" I mean within their own experience...cause really no one can walk that path figuratively. I, myself, have an invisible but severe pain condition. So far we've ruled out the more dangerous stuff but with it we've ruled out a cure. So I am left with constant pain. I tell you all this because your last few entries have struck a chord with me... I can smell my own. My body has betrayed me and now their are no guarantees and no security. In it's place, there is only worry and pain. I'm 36 and so my life stretches out before me but where their once was a clear picture... Now it seems so uncertain. I find myself parayzed by choices and by a nagging thought.
    It's the thought that really hit me the other day....that really, all those choices seem both exhaustingly unattainable and petty at the same time. I think it's because suddenly life seems so precious...seems so least I want it to be meaningful... But the part of me that sees how frail life can really be... The part that knows things can change in an instant, suddenly has trouble coping with all of life's menial tasks. All the lists and planning..yada yada...

    Anyway... Just thought you would feel a little less crazy if you knew it was at least shared by one other person....