believe in healing



at Jamie & Tony's wedding--4th of the summer!

 I almost cried at the physical therapist today, not because it hurt (it did) but because of the continuous thoughts that have begun to take larger chunks out of my brain.  I told my mom the only reason I don't think I am going crazy is because I can recognize when I am acting crazy. Poor Scott doesn't know what hit him (words, not fists) and I just freak out, for little reason.  That is just a small, small portion of it.

The real crazy part is what is going on 'inside'.  I am anxious over everything--I have always been a worrier, and I pretty much tackled that with meditation and exercise, now I can't control it--and I know it is irrational. I worry about things that aren't happening for weeks, or just that I won't get far enough on my to-do list.  My acupuncturists thinks that a lot of it is the Tamoxifen and that sometimes with menopause you have crazy ups/downs like I am having.  I am hoping that it has to do with my brain functioning more than before--I may be crazy, but at least I can react now! I have moved past being numb to everything and holding it all in phase of recovery. I embrace that (but really there aren't enough words to express the crazy that is going on in my head). I am curious if other survivors have experienced the same thing after treatment? Or with Tamoxifen?

SO I was laying on my back having my foot worked on at physical therapy and I started thinking about a fence Scott had started to paint and how I wish my shoulder was better so I could help more--I almost had a melt down, I just pinched my hand hard to distract myself enough to calm it down, yep, pure crazy.

Tacoma Zoo adventure

September is a big month for me. I particularly love Fall, it begins the holiday season and with that comes decorations (a personal favorite). I turn 28 on the 22nd of this month. Last year my birthday consisted of something chemo related I am sure, as did the rest of the holiday season.  On the 15th of September, 4 years ago, I married Scott.  We have never really had the time/money to ever celebrate our anniversary with a fun getaway or anything, but to celebrate while healthy is better than any vacation. New age, new leaf.

I have my first appointment next Monday with Seattle Cancer Care Alliance--I am planning to transfer my follow-up care there. That is just the first step in many I have made this month for the better part of me. I am using this month to restart some stuff. I need to get back to the basics of focusing on myself, hoping that if I turn more inward I will feel less pulled apart; hoping that if I turn more inward I will find direction; hoping that if I turn more inward I will embrace vulnerability; hoping that if I turn more inward I will "honor my intuition and take the journey back to self".

This girl.....she, needs to learn to arrive differently.