Monday, February 27, 2012

oh balls

the front of my Valentines Day card from Scott

the inside of my card...he did some editing
I haven't peed on any randomly found pregnancy tests, so I feel like I am making progress....  I did go on a vacation, my first vacation since I was diagnosed, and it was amazing. Me and my collar bone high boob flew to Vegas to stay with one of my best friends Tasia and her kiddos. The last time I flew out to see her was just a few short weeks before I found the lump in my breast. That was the last time I had been on a plane, now here I am 2 years later flying to Vegas to see her again. Our lives have changed so much in the time that stretches between my visits.

I spent a few days at her house and then took my suitcase full of wiener paraphernalia to a suite on the strip to set up for my sister Kristi's bachelorette party. My sisters and accompanying bachelorette party arrived Friday. My body sure isn't what it was, but I surprisingly held my own. I walked more than I have since my car accident and despite having to go to bed before the rest of them I felt great. We then rented a van and drove (for 5 hours) to the Grand Canyon for one night and I was able to see the sunrise the next morning at the Grand Canyon.  My sisters and I haven't always seen eye-to-eye (translation: I was a huge bitch and they tried to avoid my crazy wrath) but since we have been adults they are my best friends. The trip was an amazing opportunity to spend time with them.  It was good to know that I could survive a trip, even if my feet were swollen and resembled balloons when I got home, I caught a cold, and my shingles are back with a vengeance.

Life doesn't get easier. I have been waiting for things to "get better", to feel better, to get easier........bullshit. I don't feel like that is how things go. Life is one obstacle after another, you are continuously changing and growing and sometimes it slaps you in the face, I have my feet firmly planted in the mindset that you just have to slap back, actually I would go with a swift kick to the balls.  Prior to leaving for my trip I found out that a fellow doula and friend had been diagnosed with breast cancer. The "it's a small world" factor really isn't positive in this case. She is a fighter and I know will come out on the other side of the bullshit, but it still reminds me that life changes in a heartbeat.

Good morning at the Grand Canyon

I have gotten complacent. I stopped eating all the fresh veggies (not that my eating habits have gotten that bad) but I am not stuffing my face full of multicolored plates of fresh harvest anymore. I drink more than my fare share of wine, rather than avoiding alcohol as I did before AND I haven't been working out 30 minutes a day since my car accident. I then have nightmares that my cancer comes back. That because I ate chicken nuggets instead of a salad my lymph nodes are being attacked by cancer. That because I had a second, or third glass of wine my insides just give up and cancer takes over. I am rushed awake by these nightmares in a full body sweat and I just lay there looking at the ceiling. It takes me a few minutes to realize that I am okay and not a prisoner of my bed as I was during treatment.

I have done everything in my power to lessen the chance that my cancer will return. But a human being can only do so much, I can't stop my cells from turning on each other, wine or no wine. Life has a mysterious way of pushing you into a reality you weren't expecting, or prepared you adapt. I am aware that my cancer may return, statistically it probably will at some point. But that doesn't stop me from kicking life swiftly in the balls.

A great picture of my VERY high right boob and normal left boob

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

so I peed on it

My double mastectomy breast cancer awareness snow boobs!!!

I was looking for something in the bathroom of death (we have discovered that we have black mold, fuzzy mold that looks like it should be growing on fruit, and water damage in our tiny master bath.....which is a whole story in itself because the last thing I need is to be breathing in mold spores) but I ventured in looking for a mirror to pluck the ungodly hairs that Tamoxifen has brought to my face and I found a pregnancy test...........................ouch.

I remember the days when I would pee on them and cross my fingers (and promise everything holy that I would be the best girl in the world or whatever I needed to do) that they would be negative. Oh come on, we have all been there....ladies?

I remember the days when I would pee on them and cross my fingers that it would be positive, we were ready, apparently our world wasn't.

I remember the day I found out why, I had cancer and my estrogen was all over the place, my body is not the best host for a human, not then, not now, not ever.

So I found this pregnancy test, and I peed on it. In case you are curious, it was negative.......considering I am on Tamoxifen and have an IUD I wasn't holding my breath. All the same, I peed on it.

My 2012 hasn't really been all that great. I went into this year with an internal gusto....a "I will kick its ass" attitude (and a bit of a hangover) and found myself somewhat of an emotional puddle of illness and internal frusteration. But I think that I am back on track now, thanks to some wonderful developments....that I will update you all on when I haven't been such a haphazard blogger--you can tell that I am not doing too well when I haven't blogged in over a month. I am working on it............I love doing it, but sometimes I just don't allow myself to do it as a punishment for not "being where I should be" or all I want to do is bitch so I feel like I shouldn't write ANOTHER blog about poor me bitching, but somtimes the bitching is funny, it is cathartic, so I will put it on my to-do list (maybe it will turn a switch on in my brain).

So we had a snow storm and an ice storm. Scott and I made our little snow family, lost some power, and found out that we have a mold problem in our master bathroom (see bathroom of death above).

my snow "Dori"

Our snow family

snow "Lucy"

The melting of the massive amount of snow and ice exaserbated the problem and it is now in quarantene until we are able to afford to fix it, or until I can even wrap my head around all of this.  It seems like there is just one thing after another with this house--I loved it when we bought it, it was in a great neighborhood (come to find out we have not the best neighbors) but it isn't just the bedroom that reminds e of being sick, it is the whole house. I have memories that are tied to each piece of furniture, to particular dishes in the kitchen, to our patio (where I shaved my head). I can remember collapsing on the stairs, the numerous nights crying in the bathroom staring at the green walls that I once loved..........emotions are sucked into everything here. Scott and I have saged it, I have meditated about it, but when I am already feeling a bit down, it tends to overpower me.

Oh, and I had shingles on my right boob. This bitch of a boob is really not cooperating. It has actually gotten higher than it was after my surgery, it is now almost touching my collar bone. I saw my primary doc and was given prescription for antibiotics, we weren't sure it was shingles because I don't have feeling everywhere on that breast so I couldn't feel the pain. But then I went to my plastic doc and it was confirmed..........I had shingles like you wouldn't believe. I still have a little bit of the pain under my boob and some dried bumps, but haven't been contagious for some time and hope that it doesn't come back.

Shingles............not awesome.

Alright 2012, let's work together on this. I am open to change....are you?