Wednesday, February 8, 2012

so I peed on it

My double mastectomy breast cancer awareness snow boobs!!!

I was looking for something in the bathroom of death (we have discovered that we have black mold, fuzzy mold that looks like it should be growing on fruit, and water damage in our tiny master bath.....which is a whole story in itself because the last thing I need is to be breathing in mold spores) but I ventured in looking for a mirror to pluck the ungodly hairs that Tamoxifen has brought to my face and I found a pregnancy test...........................ouch.

I remember the days when I would pee on them and cross my fingers (and promise everything holy that I would be the best girl in the world or whatever I needed to do) that they would be negative. Oh come on, we have all been there....ladies?

I remember the days when I would pee on them and cross my fingers that it would be positive, we were ready, apparently our world wasn't.

I remember the day I found out why, I had cancer and my estrogen was all over the place, my body is not the best host for a human, not then, not now, not ever.

So I found this pregnancy test, and I peed on it. In case you are curious, it was negative.......considering I am on Tamoxifen and have an IUD I wasn't holding my breath. All the same, I peed on it.

My 2012 hasn't really been all that great. I went into this year with an internal gusto....a "I will kick its ass" attitude (and a bit of a hangover) and found myself somewhat of an emotional puddle of illness and internal frusteration. But I think that I am back on track now, thanks to some wonderful developments....that I will update you all on when I haven't been such a haphazard blogger--you can tell that I am not doing too well when I haven't blogged in over a month. I am working on it............I love doing it, but sometimes I just don't allow myself to do it as a punishment for not "being where I should be" or all I want to do is bitch so I feel like I shouldn't write ANOTHER blog about poor me bitching, but somtimes the bitching is funny, it is cathartic, so I will put it on my to-do list (maybe it will turn a switch on in my brain).

So we had a snow storm and an ice storm. Scott and I made our little snow family, lost some power, and found out that we have a mold problem in our master bathroom (see bathroom of death above).

my snow "Dori"

Our snow family

snow "Lucy"

The melting of the massive amount of snow and ice exaserbated the problem and it is now in quarantene until we are able to afford to fix it, or until I can even wrap my head around all of this.  It seems like there is just one thing after another with this house--I loved it when we bought it, it was in a great neighborhood (come to find out we have not the best neighbors) but it isn't just the bedroom that reminds e of being sick, it is the whole house. I have memories that are tied to each piece of furniture, to particular dishes in the kitchen, to our patio (where I shaved my head). I can remember collapsing on the stairs, the numerous nights crying in the bathroom staring at the green walls that I once loved..........emotions are sucked into everything here. Scott and I have saged it, I have meditated about it, but when I am already feeling a bit down, it tends to overpower me.

Oh, and I had shingles on my right boob. This bitch of a boob is really not cooperating. It has actually gotten higher than it was after my surgery, it is now almost touching my collar bone. I saw my primary doc and was given prescription for antibiotics, we weren't sure it was shingles because I don't have feeling everywhere on that breast so I couldn't feel the pain. But then I went to my plastic doc and it was confirmed..........I had shingles like you wouldn't believe. I still have a little bit of the pain under my boob and some dried bumps, but haven't been contagious for some time and hope that it doesn't come back.

Shingles............not awesome.

Alright 2012, let's work together on this. I am open to change....are you?

1 comment:

  1. I can't begin to thank you enough. For putting it all out there, and being real. Last night I read through the first 10 posts or so of this blog and It helped so much. I got the news yestarday that I'm going to have to write a poem for myself. Mine is non-invasive, but having cancer just sucks. When I go in for my bilateral mastectomy, can I borrow your boxing gloves? Lotsa love to you, you brave strong goddess you. Thanks for being an inspiration.