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Wednesday, January 4, 2012

I waved my arms and flapped about


me, the person I was years ago....I had nipples then (they were awesome)
 I am doing more than struggling lately, I am drowning. I have slowly slipped back into the mentality of being an "ill" person. The car accident immobilized me and as a result I was back in the bed (granted there is a new set of bedding) but the helplessness feeling is the same. Not being able to do laundry, prepare meals, keep the house in order, work at a normal capacity is a bit much. But I was working on it, I knew that I had to let my body heal, damn those "soft tissue" injuries. 

Oh, and if you are curious, my right boob is still holding strong at my fucking collar bone, awesome.

So there I was, through both holiday's sitting with my 3 heating pads, smelling like menthol, but I could more or less be somewhat of a person.  Then a few days ago a door slammed me in the face, hard (not literally).  I have never been one to suffer from headaches, I mean nothing that would require anything other than a few Advil.  One of my sisters has struggled with headaches a majority of her life, horrible headaches, and she powers through life like a trooper--trying alternative therapies and medications, but continues her life.  I am currently in awe of how she does it, it has been three days and I am ready to throw in the towel.

At first I thought it was my newly placed IUD (yep, lady part reference--UTERUS (I bet I just lost a few readers....). I thought maybe it was because I was taking a different medication for pain so it was making me dizzy and I had to keep my head on a pillow--I have been there before. But then I stopped that medication over the weekend and starting on Monday I had blurry vision that would come and go, I felt like I wasn't able to make the connection between what I was thinking and what I was writing (or being slow in reactions), I didn't feel comfortable driving, I was sick to my stomach, they only thing that helped was being asleep, because I couldn't feel the pain. It was like a cloth was draped over my forehead and face and it wouldn't let go.

And here I am...........three days later feeling the same way, numerous medications, home remedies and a massage and I sit typing this in the dark on my keyboard that sits on my lap, facing away from the computer) luckily I am a pretty good typist so there is no concern to the knowing of the keys.....but I could really use a break here.  My massage therapist said that it was a result of the pain from my back and neck moving up into my head, she did her best, but I left feeling just a tiny bit better than when I went in, now I am back to not feeling able to drive and am almost ready to hide under my covers....going to sleep at 3:00pm is warranted and I feel doctor approved, but ridiculous.

I have a life to live, I have stuff I need to do, but I can't seem to power through. I know that part of it is because when I sink into being that "ill" person things very easily compound on each other and I fall apart, literally my body just begins failing me and mentally I am not strong enough to keep the composure. I am at a loss here, and I am more overwhelmed than I have been in a long time. There is literally nothing I can think of to do to change the situation and the more I stress over it the worse I feel.

I feel like I have become a burden to my loved ones,  these tremendous and amazing people, many of whom put their life on hold when I was diagnosed to meet my every need. I am worried that there is a breaking point, where you can only love someone through so much, then you need to begin to heal yourself. Being a caretaker is unbelievably hard, and as I continue to struggle with health issues I am worried I will lose parts of this support tapestry.  I know there are times that Scott must think of how easy it would be to be with someone who could run a marathon with him, someone who doesn't end up in the ER monthly, someone who isn't broken. I just want to be that person so bad. I sometimes suffer in silence rather than speak up because I think it is unfair to those around me.

Yesterday I got off the bed and my left leg was numb and I fell on the floor, I have been having some serious cramping and with ovarian cysts before similar things have happened, but when I start to add everything together I begin to worry that there is more to the picture. But I know I worry more than the average person, especially medically after my diagnosis. I don't want to be the girl that goes into the ER and they talk about after I leave, but when nothing works I begin to think the worst. Where the hell did they hide the "Easy" button for this shit?

1 comment:

  1. Hey lovely lady. I'm so sorry that things are not getting easier! I do know, however, that your support system is NEVER going to fall apart. That's the great thing about love! Those people can't and won't see you as a burden. They are just so glad they have you in their lives, and so am I! Sending you love and peace!

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