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Sunday, July 10, 2011

"It's okay, I can't feel it"

My inner world crumbled a bit the other day.  It has been hard for me to get the passion to write a blog post......I go back and read the posts I have written when my emotions were just spilling off me, the drama and emotions were just so raw and intense,  I couldn't help but share. Now my world is at somewhat of a standstill, I am having a great time, feeling better, but to be honest I feel a bit numb. It is like the world is spinning around me, I am taking part, but not really feeling it.  I don't have the joy.  I guess I can't even remember when I lost it, but I did.....  So I am finding myself trying to do things over-the-top to get some sort of feeling, but I am still left flat.  I know I am doing it to protect myself--it is impossible to get hurt when you aren't feeling things to begin with--and my life has been unusually cruel, so I now seem to be guarded to the world.

I am floundering and can't seem to commit to a decision, especially professionally.  I was at a gathering, where I go on a monthly basis, I am surrounded by like-minded people and get to discuss birth.  For over a year it has been the place where I soaked up the energy these women give off, their extraordinary ability to serve and support others, their knowledge and experience, to witness their pure bliss of doing something they love.  I was one of them..........

One woman said that she told her clients "I have felt your pain" and that was a portion of why she could support them during their birth.  My world broke a bit.  I kept nodding in agreement and listened to others share but inside I was crumbling.  I won't feel their pain, plain and simple--I won't experience anything that they are going through.  Oh, I have experienced pain, the pain of knowing your life will never be the same, the pain of surgery and recovery, the pain of burns, the pain of seeing your loved ones at a loss because they can't help, the pain of being stuck in a body that isn't your own.  I have experienced the chaos in a medical setting, the mistreatment of patients and the serious determent that a lack of voice can have to your medical care.  I understand the innate feeling of wanting to be a mother, that achy feeling you get when you want something so bad you can taste it.  The jealousy towards others that are able to have my dream, and the anger at those who waste it.

I don't know what I want to do anymore.  Every time I try to make a decision, or steps to creating a practice I shut down.  I was there before cancer, I was well on my way to taking care of Scott and I. All my education and experience was finally paying off.  I was living the dream...then cancer woke me up.  Now, I am in a holding pattern of disappointment and jealousy.  It is really hard for me to think that someone may not want my assistance because we haven't shared a similar experience.  It is the truth. It will happen. It is understandable--and if the situations was reversed I can't say I wouldn't do the same.

I just miss my 'honey hole' (shout out to the Swamp People) of safety. The place where I knew everything was heading one way and I was on board. I miss easy. I miss "next steps" that just come in life. I miss a lot, including my ability to think about things rationally.  I feel bulldozed by emotion and it is hard to make sense of it all.  So I package it inside, within a layer of numbness.  I am living in a controlled chaos because I can't figure out how else I want to do it.

I feel like maybe that meeting isn't the place for me right now.  I feel like I want a do-over.

4 comments:

  1. Beautifully written.I think there is a storm inside you which is well covered by shut doors for the people who see you.let the storm come out here and we will love and support you.breast reconstruction surgery Los Angeles

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  3. This is one of your most poignant posts, and it really resonated with me. Cancer treatments stole my fertility and I was overcome with jealousy, hopelessness, and anger. I finally adopted a baby girl. While I would never choose another daughter, the pain of not birthing a child still lingers.

    Do what's right for you, Dori, and maybe that group is just not the right one for you right now.

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