Sunday, April 10, 2011
when it rains, it pours
When I made my plan on how I was going to approach radiation I said I would blog when things were fresh.........rather than hash them out a bit and then piece something together. Believe it or not, I usually don't feel my posts are too raw....I think they are edited. But in that process I usually end up having to be emotional, and caught up in whatever it is that I am processing, for too long.....so this time I am going to try just putting it out there, no processing....it's like a projectile vomit blog--it just happened.....
I won't be able to be pregnant. I won't be able to give birth. Mommas and babies are my life, literally my job, my passion, my cause. And it was taken away from me. I am having a hard time getting passed this, or processing this, and then I have weeks where I feel fine.
I am steadfast in knowing that you don't have to give birth to be a mom, that families are created by a wonderful mix of love, unconditional love that doesn't have to be biological. That family members can be people who you chose to bring into your world.
I am not sure the root of this fear, this disappointment I feel in myself............how am I going to continue to work with women in the same capacity, eventually someone is going to ask how many children I have. What was my birth experience like? How did I work through postpartum depression? I won't have the answer they are looking for. I have this inner urge to mother, to supply the unconditional love.....I just can't double the estrogen in my body, my cancer feeds on estrogen.........that would be a selfish decision on my part. I won't have a baby and increase my chance of cancer......Scott and our new family doesn't deserve that. So I feel lost, like I am swimming and swimming in the dark.......unable to see the shore and I am getting tired. My oncologist says "roll the dice," that women my age are encouraged to "have their families" and then "have your ovaries removed"............but I don't feel that "rolling the dice" is the way to start a family.
I know there is a life plan that I fit into, but I am pretty fucking sick of not knowing what it is. My life is full of amazing people and I am driven and encouraged by them. I would do anything for Scott, and though we haven't discussed it, I am so sorry that because he chose me for his life partner he has to deal with all my baggage...............and my biology.
I feel alone. I feel jealous. Jealousy will eat away at your being, at who you are......comparisons are pointless. I know this, professionally I know this, and personally I have never been someone who gives a shit what people think. But I find myself comparing myself to others like I have never done before. I feel damaged and not up to par....just not measuring up. I am getting my mind back after chemo, my chemo brain is slowly fading and I am finding myself having an internal conversation that I haven't had before. It is unbelievably frustrating. You would think that I would feel triumphant---I went through hell and back and I am here in one piece........but instead I am picking apart those pieces with a negative eye.................ridiculous. As a whole, I am too hard on myself. I know that negativity breeds more negativity so I try to focus my attention on the positive, but now, more than ever, the negativity is sneaking in.
I know it began when I had to chose radiation or not. I went a few steps backward, but I made an informed decision that Scott and I both agreed on. We powered through, which is what we do. We are a couple that plans, we want data, we want to know how our life will look, we thought we knew....then we were slammed with the cancer truck. Then we refocused, then radiation. And now that is my job--doing my best to get through radiation, taking care of myself, and working out the kinks in my brain that cancer created. It's messy.
So I am a hot mess.............literally, my radiated boob and armpit are on fire.