Tuesday, October 11, 2011

I can always start again, tomorrow.

Happy 28th Birthday to me!

I had made a plan in my head that September was going to be the jumping off point to change. I was going to be more nurtuing to myself and to Scott. I was going to try and tame the crazy (HA) and really get down to business. Well, I realized that putting restrictions on things makes me anxious and I have made September one hell of a month, I am where I want to be, and I don't need a timeline...at least not right now. I met with my new doc at Seattle Cancer Care Alliance. I love her. I don't just love her, I love all of it, the care, the plan, the honesty and the knowledge. I don't feel like I have to Google everything she says to be sure it is true, she is a breast cancer oncologist--there isn't a better place for me to be.

I have been holding in so much pain and terror that I wasn't even realzing. It was a heaviness in me that I felt, but wasn't sure where it orginiated from. When Scott and I left SCCA I was in hysterics, shaking, crying, blubbering up a storm, Scott had no idea was what going on (again with the crazy) and I continued to do so all the way home and all day long, until I took enough sedatives to finally drift off into a sleep filled with nightmares and heavy sweats. My body let go of some of the heaviness, I can feel some of it is gone. That is the first step. I am at a place where I will be nurtured and supported with my continued fight. The trauma of my diagnosis, the trauma of my care, the trauma the word cancer imprints into you. I have been left searching for something, I am just not sure what it is yet. Searching for more dedication and happiness, for more time and love with family and friends, for more time to relax and breathe. And if today is a bad day, I can always start again tomorrow.

I have now celebreated my canceranniversary (yep, I am making it one word), my 4 year wedding anniversary, and my 28th birthday CANCER FREE.  I know that I have to take small steps, I continually get frusterated when I try to leap and I land on my face.  I am still struggling with having to approach life differently than I did a year ago, it contains a frustration that you will never be able to understand.  It enhibits me from moving forward, it puts me in bed in tears--a daily battle that I can't wrap my head around, in a way I am forced to re-learn the world and my place in it--talk about heaviness.

I started Effexor for the mood swings and crazy business. I have been on it for over a few weeks now and I have stopped having the dramatic mood swings where I tended to lash out verbally, which I think has made Scott a happy-camper.  I am still struggling with adjustment and we are going to up my dose, which should also help with the hot-flashes, which have now increased due to my decrease in taking Gabapentin (the nerve medication I am taking for my ankles--it is really good news, because that means physical therapy is helping, but reducing the Gabapentin, which was masking my hot flashes, has made them come back and they are a bitch). 

In the midst of all this craziness Scott has went back to school and we took our PRIDE training, which is the first step in the foster-to-adopt process and Team Lumps and Lipstick did another 5K!!! Once again, I make the promise of writing more often, I will put it on my to-do list.

on our way to our foster parenting training class

me & my mom getting ready for last weekends 5K

Our "road baby" sign

Tacoma Strides Against Breast Cancer 5K

Team Lumps and Lipstick


  1. your strength and determination is amazing dori! you are a pretty awesome lady.

  2. Dori,

    I'm thrilled for you!! I'm also thrilled you will be adopting. That is the route I took, and I am a happy momma.

    Here's to continued good health...

    -- Beth

    (Oh by the way, I full well know exactly the type of trauma and agony you are talking about.)