Monday, January 10, 2011

I remember when...

I remember when…

-I thought 30 was old (now I will be happy to see 30, or any birthday)

- snowflakes were magic (still do)

-my dad could fix anything (really could have used you for the cancer fixin’ dad, miss you with my whole heart)

-boys were gross (let’s face it, that didn’t last very long)

-I could drink without a headache (….definitely not anymore)

-celebrations were for life changing events (now every day is a positive change and requires celebration)

-cancer was unfamiliar (we are intimate now)

-life had a path and I was staying on it (learning to lean into the curve and take it for what it’s worth)

-things were easy

-growing old was scary (now it is a blessing)

-my toes were ‘little piggies’ and imagination made everything magic

-Santa was real

-life was just a game…………you know the game of life—and I was a pink stick figure with no arms or legs

--in the ‘game of life’, having children was as easy as picking a card—no frozen embryos or tumor loving estrogen found in that box….

--growing old together was set in stone

--doing laundry was a chore (not something I wish I could do)

--my breasts were too small………but at least they were my breasts

--I called myself fat (with no stretch mark to be seen, how skewed the love for my body was then)

--I dreaded school because I had a zit on my face (sad but true)

--I was lost………..(still working my way to being found, and centered, and giving as much love to myself that I do to others)

--grown-ups were so smart and had their shit together, it looked easy

--doctors knew everything….

I remember my life before cancer, a distant memory of something that once was............  Whew, "I should be crying but I just can't let it go."  No matter how many times I tell myself that it will get better, it just hasn't sunk in yet.  Being alive is hard work, good thing I have some great boxing gloves.....


  1. You sure said a mouth full, and so wise beyond your years. I think as we grow older we are more thankful for each day and what it brings but cancer survivors have a different feeling in their thankfulness. You hit on all of it and its so nice to see those feelings put into words, thank you.

  2. Wear those boxing gloves with pride, dee x

  3. I was just on my Facebook, in my own little world, and one link led to another and I came upon your blog. It is a scary world, and even scarier when someone tells you that you have breast cancer.
    My prayers and thoughts and good wishes are with you, and I hope you fight and win against this disease!!
    I was diagnosed with invasive lobular carcinoma, I am a single mom of 3 girls, 35 years young (which DOES sound old!) and cancer has changed my life.
    When I read your headline, that at only 27 you are dealing with this, it just brought tears to my eyes!
    I havent reached out, or even accepted really, what is going on with me. I ended up having a double mastectomy mid has never been the same.

    I want you to know you are special, and worth every minute of everyones time, and thank you for sharing your pain and life with us online.
    it has touched me.
    thank you