don't be sorry your darkness is gone.



we saw this "holiday" decoration on our way back to Tacoma--turned around so we could take a picture

 Well 'baby new year' you have some competition----I may be 27 but I am bald and cute and really, really looking forward to 2011.  I don't think Scott and I have celebrated a New Years Eve together--he always has to work and the one time we were together he was taking care of me because I had the flu.  On New Years Eve we celebrated a lot of things--most of all that as of now, I won't have any chemo in 2011, so it already kicks the hell out of 2010!  We went to the 'germiest' place I could think of (a casino) where I celebrated being able to be around that many people and not having to wear a mask!!!!!  I no longer feel like a hermit, big hug 2011.

Great Christmas 2010

When 2010 started I couldn't have imagined how my life would change, so quickly and so drastically.  Cancer hasn't just changed my life, it has changed the lives of those in my life.  It is a burden and a blessing, and an occasional flood of worry.  When I was stuck in my cancer bubble (mostly due to chemo side effects and complications) life went on--people worked, babies were born, people got married, the sun rose and set, people passed away and people were diagnosed with cancer.  As I emerge from my chemo fog I am faced with my new self (new body) and a new year.  Cancer has taken a lot from me and given a burden to friends and loved ones who worry about me--but I really like who I am now, coming out on the other side of cancer.  I am a survivor.

Winter wonderland--mom's for Christmas

Though I have been terribly sick, in miserable amounts of pain, and bitched and moaned, I am still here.  When you are forced to look at the possibility your life could end you gain an appreciation for what your life is.  That doesn't mean that everything will be kittens and rainbows, things still happen and you don't have to have a rosy glow and a big ass smile on your face when things get shitty--but it means you are happy as hell that you are around, whether things are good or bad.

Greenaway Girls Christmas 2010

I celebrate small victories now: getting out a bed, taking a shower, keeping down a meal, or making it an entire day without a nap....I deserve a cupcake or two.  Life can get serious really quickly, which is why you need to learn to laugh and enjoy life while you got it.

Me & Marcie--holiday visit

Me, Tasia & Teilani--another wonderful holiday visit

My 'small' appreciation list:
-still being able to see my feet (despite the steroid induced large belly I have to battle now that I am post chemo)
-the weird baby-fuzz (or forest fire aftermath) looking hair I have on my head....which is now even falling out to make room for new hair
-netflix on demand that keeps me company when I can't sleep
-being able to take a shower (and dance a little)
-staying out of the ER for longer than a week
-the great finger nails I have grown during chemo (thank you supplements!!!!)
-being able to stay awake until Scott gets off work
-being able to cook a frozen pizza without having to sit down
-Monday movies with my hubby
-not throwing up on a regular basis or feeling sick to my stomach
-feeling moderately hungry on a more regular basis
-humor and 4 letter words
-cobb salad
---And much more than 'small'--I appreciate everyone who has given me support and encouragement through what has been one of the most shocking and heartbreaking experiences of my life--without the support, this year would be starting on a much different note

Greenaway Girls, New Years Eve---welcome 2011!!!

I have done lots of soul searching and feel settled with the cards I was dealt.  2010 beat the hell out of me, there is no doubt about that.  So as I sit on my couch, this 2nd day of 2011, I pat myself on the back because I haven't had to take a nap today and more than likely will be awake when Scott gets home from work--"did someone say celebration cupcake?"