no such thing as a quick fix

Mom, Me, Scott at my last hospital stay--they are rubbing my legs because of the severe bone pain

Well I am back on the westside after spending a wonderful holiday in Okanogan at my moms.  I was able to see friends and family (though kept small) and I am warn out.  I can't believe how tired I am, just from talking.........it has been awhile since I felt like gabbing so it is a good thing, but now that I am back home my body seems to be turning on me once again.  I am getting pretty sick of it, so sick I am just brought to tears because I no longer know the rhythm of my body and am unsure of what is going on. 

the nurse made great hot packs for my shin pain

I have finished chemo, so I begin Herceptin next Friday.  I know my body is detoxing and getting ready to function without chemo, but it is lagging in the process.  I have moved from having diarrhea to "normal" poop (something that should be celebrated, especially if you are plagued with chemo diarrhea) but now am beginning to bleed........I know that is too much information but it is what is happening, this is a blog about what is happening, so learn to roll with the punches here readers.  I had to cancel a prior colonoscopy because my platelets were too low, as a result I know have to wait until the end of January to have another one---------fuck.  Too long to wait. I have an oncology appointment tomorrow so I will be seeing if they can pull some strings and get me in earlier.  I can't live like this for an entire month.  I feel like a little kid who gets constipated and is scared of the toilet---it is a bad "Look Who's Talking" toilet monster movie...................................and I am 27.

Despite the #2 set back I am feeling better. I have manged to stay out of the ER for a week so I am taking the small victories.  My body is aching: my wrists, ankles, and knees are so sore by the end of the day I am reaching for pain medication.  It is hard for people to understand what I mean when I say "I just hurt."  I know prior to this experience I wouldn't have.  My body just hurts now..............imagine how hard daily things would be if your body just hurt. If going to take a shower was all you could do because afterwards your body hurts so bad you can barely sit up and make conversation.  Everytime you blow your nose it is bloody.  You want to smile but it hurts....I think you get the idea here.  My life has definitely changed and my body is learning to heal.........slowly.

fell asleep while eating, spilt soup--too many meds

 New year, new you..............that saying has never been so true in my case.  I am looking forward to 2011, even for the mere fact that I won't have chemo scheduled.  I know I am not feeling up to a big celebration, but internally I will be.  When I even think of waking up and not hurting (both physically and mentally) I cry.  I would give anything to wake up and feel like sitting and having coffee with Scott, feel like making a meal, like going to work, like walking around the fucking block.  I feel restricted by the steroid weight gain and am sure that is part of why I hurt so bad---I lost my breasts and gained a belly---my legs are probably really confused.  The last thing I want is pity, I just want people to understand how hard it is to live a "normal" life--and how much I want it back. 
 

Scott slept on the floor.....in a hospital.....that's love.

I feel like I have been tricked...........done with chemo (celebration), then forced to look at the reality of what building my life back up will require and there are many times during each day that I think it will be too much for me to handle.  I don't know if I will be strong enough.  When I was going through chemo I knew what I was fighting---chemo was evil, but I was holding its hand working to fight cancer.  Now I won't have the reality breaks that chemo gave me (the week or so I was so out of it I didn't have to be aware of what I was going through). I would go to the hospital and just know I had to get through that day, then the next and the next..........it wasn't overwhelming--it was compartmentalized and easy.  I know it is ridiculous and I am exaggerating (I am a therapist remember) but it feels like too much.  I know I won't have my old life back, and that at the end of this I will be better than I could have imagined..............it is the hard work in between that I am a bit afraid of. 

my mom, also on the floor....lots of love!

I thought cancer was scary, but this rebuilding of my body and my life back to something that I can recognize is scary, like pee in your pants, hide behind someone scary.  This journey is far from over, in fact...I think it is just beginning.  A journey of healing now that the "fight" is over?  I don't think so.  I think I need more fight and fire under my ass now than I did when approaching chemo..........

I thought that after chemo was done I would feel something different, I would feel healed………but I still feel broken.  Best part about broken things? They can be fixed!

Maybe I will start with a tattoo, I know how to help that heal.