Saturday, December 18, 2010

get by with a little help from my friends

My Chemo Graduation Hat (made by Kerri)
I know it has been awhile, but after chemo and a hospital stay--I must admit that I felt some pressure for my first blog post "post" chemo.  Wierd, but oh so true.

I had a great last Chemo Eve and my final chemo wasn't too bad either.  It is just the crap that happened as a result of the last chemo that has kept me absent from the real world for awhile.

So...I am back, sort of.  I still feel like shit and today has been the first day I have made it to the couch for longer than a few hours.  After my 6th (final, most recent) chemo I ended up in the hospital (again) due to severe bone pain, neutropenia, and feeling just plain lousy.  The hospital was probably my worst visit yet--not because of the care I received--but because the amount of meds I was on.  It was insane.  I feel like I was the super drunk girl at the party and am embarrassed (been there, done that).  I was on so much medication I was nodding off like every pain-pill addicted person on Intervention; I spilt soup and water on myself; and was talking nonsense to everyone who would listen.......not my best moments. 

Scott and I at my final chemo--Chemo Graduation!
As a result of my hospital stay my body is not only detoxing from chemo, but from enough meds to put down an elephant (times 4 days).  I have diarrhea like you don't even understand (too much info?, too bad).  Instead of shower dancing I might as well take up toilet dancing because that seems to be my only stop other than the bed these days.  I have hot flashes that are pushing pain meds through my skin like cheese through a grater and if I see one more TV commerical for cologne I am going to hit my TV. 

I was fortunate enough during my hospital stay to have my mom here too.  I was a bit crazy with the meds but had the support of my family in the room which makes all the difference.  I may have been the drunken girl at the party--but I had a great group of cockblockers (you know, the drunk girls friends who just won't let you get too close........priceless).  I have received lots of messages asking if I am okay--being absent from facebook and the blog for so long--everyone knows I must have felt like real shit--I did (still do) but I am back, because this is the one strand of normal that I have left.

Chemo Eve Sexy Face
I am building myself back from the ground up--it is a bitch.  My body hurts everywhere, I can barely stand in the shower, I have no appetite, I cry all the time (right now, crying), we are out of kleenex so I am using toilet paper, I can't sleep and am tired all the time, it is even too much work to let the dogs out and feel functional enough for them to rely on me during the day.  I am so fucking sick of being sick I want to scream.  I was mean to Scott last night, just because he can get up and go to work and that just seems to foreign to me at this point.  I keep seeing the Starbucks commerical for "snow days" (I cry, then get fucking pissed because even if it was a 'snow day' I have nothing to take a 'snow day' world is pretty one dimensional at this point).

Final Chemo Crew

At this point I may feel like my life sucks and my body is so foreign I am not sure how it functions at this point, I know that this will pass.  I feel like my body is being torn apart from the inside out, every day.  I know I will feel better and everything will work itself out--however that will end up.  But right now I will wallow in a bit of self-pity and do my best to get my ass out of bed, and at least to the couch.  And keep my fingers crossed that I will  be able to make home for the holidays. And as soon as I find the transfer cable for my camera, I will put up some pictures from my hospital stay--some of them are pretty priceless.


  1. Congratulations on your most important graduation! I love the hat:) I really enjoy reading your posts (not in a sadistic way mind you..) I admire your strenght and ability to write out your pain in a way that can make me shed a tear and at the same time put a smile on my face... Happy Holidays to you and your family!

  2. Hi, this is a friend of a friend (Anne Hoblitt ... er, Linn) and have been following your blog since July.

    I'm now in Guatemala with the Peace Corps and have been pulling for you with prayers and good karma and whatever else I can think of to send your way. Every time I get diarrhea or a fever or one of the other maladies that comes with living abroad I start forgetting what it felt like to be well about two or three days into the ordeal. You're months into chemo, so no wonder health sounds foreign!

    Happy graduation, and may your energy and digestion come surging back soon!

  3. Congrats and here's to it all being new and improved from here!!!