Uncover. Discover. Discard.

My crazy hair.....it makes me look even sicker

I know it has been awhile since I wrote...but good news! I wasn't in the hospital, the ER, or sick as hell...........I was just busy and every time I had the urge to blog I was already in bed........and it takes a lot for me to get my joints working again once I have been laying in bed for awhile so I would just promise myself I would blog in the morning.......we all know that didn't happen.  But today I remembered before I went to bed, so here it goes.

I had an appointment with a nutritionist on Wednesday.  I met with her prior to starting chemo too--she is pretty splendid and a straight shooter.  Prior to chemo we discussed how there are many days when my stomach hurts so bad I can't sit upright, my bowels are like swinging saloon doors (think about it) and even after having my gall bladder there are days when I have to go the ER to get some pain meds because there is nothing that works to take away the pain and let me get some sleep. Anyway....that still happens and she validated my concerns (once again) and it is great to hear it from a professional.  After my appointment with her I was fired up, ready to get going on this whole wellness whatnot---so I made some more appointments that I had been putting off as a result of not feeling well and started to get my shit together.  Since then (yes I know it is only Friday--small victories!). I have been working on reframing things; an example--food as medicine. We will see how it goes.

food as medicine

my other "medicine"

She also suggested that the pain that burns in my ankles and shoots through my calves is a form of neuropathy--which is also why it comes and goes..........swell.  I am hoping that more acupuncture and the continuing of pain medications, and an increase in my Omega-3s will help---I will keep you posted.  But until it works I will continue to be plagued by days of not being able to make many more movements other than from the bed to the couch, I will wake up in tremendous shooting pain from my feet to my knees, my ankles will burn, my feet will be swollen, I will retain water and some days just be plain miserable.........until it stops I will do my best to suck it up and put one foot in front of the other and so on.  Life has been worse, much worse....

My 1st Herceptin only infusion!

Money is scary.  Money may not be able to buy happiness but it pays bills---and when one half of your partnership is unable to work (me), and is spending tons of money (medical bills, etc...) and it is a new year (which means we have to start from the top of  our annual co-pay....).  I feel guilty, so guilty I cry a lot.  Obviously I didn't chose to have cancer, I wouldn't wish this on anyone (as I am writing I am getting a hot flash--which happens now when I am sad, happy, tired, or just sitting perfectly still) but I do, and cancer is very expensive.  I wish I felt well enough to go back to work, but my health is currently too unreliable for me to be a reliable employee--I am hoping for sometime next month to go back part-time.......but who knows.  As a result we are forced to look at a reality where bills may not be the easiest to pay.......a place where many people have been as a result of the recession. 

our backyard with the "winter storm 2011"

Lucy enjoys the snow

Scott and I have moved from a place of worrying about my health and arming ourselves against cancer to worrying about bills.  Scott stresses silently about it--he doesn't want to make me worry.  I cry hysterically and wish I could will myself healthy.  If I could only have a normal 8 hour day, if I could fall asleep before 4am, if I could be reliable and be able to walk on a regular basis, if, if, if.  "Sounds like a what if to me" (my mom said that a lot during my childhood)--the truth is I can't. The truth is I am far from healthy. The truth is I need to heal.  The truth is I need to continue to nurture myself until a routine emerges.  The truth hurts, but it's what I am workin with and healing day by day.

This is where resiliency comes in. Where rolling with the punches takes on a whole new meaning. We are going to hunker down and get through it--just like we did when I was diagnosed--money isn't everything.  We have been blessed with such amazing friends and family and the monetary support and fundraising is unbelievable.  We recently received monetary support from Pipkin Construction where my dad worked before he passed away unexpectedly from a stroke.  The employees there have been amazing to my dad and to our family after he passed.  The recent support was very unexpected and caught us off guard--it lifted a weight off Scott and I's shoulders and we were able to breathe a little easier.  I am still in awe of the love people share and the many hands I have held throughout this fight....

Without each of  you, I would have had to try and work throughout treatment (my ER visits and hospitalizations would have made that impossible)--my entire spirit during treatment would have been different, I would have felt defeated before I even began......  But you all held me up, in spirit, financially, and in positivity.  We will take that into this new year and continue to feel blessed that because of you, we were given the space and opportunity to fight cancer with our entire selves.  Thank you.