Saturday, July 7, 2012

cry me a river

I had a great blog that was almost complete about how wonderful and crazy things have been. How I went to my 10 year high school reunion and my sister Kristi got married. That post is going to have to wait..I am in the middle of a cry-fest that is so epic it needs to be documented. I am crying because Scott feels guilty, he can't seem to relax and his mind is always going. I am crying because he has caregiver guilt and I can't give him the support he needs. I am crying because I am mad that he feels guilty, I am mad that I am not healthy enough for him. I am mad that when he looks back on our relationship all he talks about is how I was sick, I am crying because I know he is right. I am crying because I think he should be with someone healthy. I am crying because there isn't enough positive thinking in the world to heal somebody and that just creates open-season for negativity. I am crying because I am sitting in my bathtub in my clothes with the door locked. I am crying because my entire body hurts and no one knows why....I am crying because stress makes the rash worse and I have small lesions in my mouth now and my husband thinks I worry too much.

I am crying because earlier today I was feeling great. I am crying because that feeling has been pulled out from underneath me. I was thinking of ways Scott and I could work together, give him something to do other than work and was thinking of putting a race together to raise money for breast cancer. Now I feel like I am not sure if I will be able to get out of bed tomorrow. I am crying because I feel behind in life. Because I got a fucking infection after surgery and life could use a good slap to the face. I am crying because my fingers hurt from blowing my nose so I have decided to just let the snot run down my face. I am crying because I feel alone, I am crying because I like the solitude. I am crying because I am in the bathtub and my clothes are wet from the bathmat. I am crying because I will now have to change my shirt and I am not sure if I have any more soft ones that are clean that won't hurt my rash. I am crying because it hurts to lift up my arms to change my shirt.

I am crying because Scott can't relax. I am crying because I am not the person he needs to talk to. I am crying because thinking of crying makes me angry, which in turn makes me cry. I am crying because I am sure that our versions of healthy are completely different. That we have expectations that don't have a common ground and I am afraid it will cause a drift we can't breach. I am crying because I need this feeling to go away. I am crying because I don't want to feel this way anymore. I am crying hoping that when I am done I will feel lighter, that something will have come out of it. I am crying because I know that won't happen.

I am crying because I miss my dad. I am crying because I know if he was here there wouldn't be fights about fixing bathrooms or garbage disposals. I am crying because I know my dad would be able to help Scott, that it wouldn't be a chore, they could bond. I am crying because my dad missed out on seeing me be so strong--I am crying because in times like this I feel like I am failing at being a survivor. I am crying because in the medical world after treatment is done they just let you go, but your body is then reeling from all the treatment and you need more support than you did during chemo. I am crying because our bathroom needs to be gutted because the sub-floor is soaked and we don't have the money. I am crying because being an adult is hard. Because being an adult means you probably shouldn't sit in your bathtub and cry hysterically with the door locked--but we do. I am crying because you should be able to, I am crying because it is the only way I know to cleanse myself of some of the weight on my shoulders. I am crying because I feel like I need to fix everything, and I can barely fix myself. I am crying because I am afraid to tell people what is going on because they will think "here she goes again" blah blah blah medical, cancer, blah blah, complaining, blah blah. I am crying because I worry the cancer is back. I worry that the reason I have all these problems now is because my body is busy fighting a cancer and can't focus on healing wounds or fighting off other infections. I cry because I am afraid my oncologist, husband, and others will roll their eyes if I tell them.

I cry because tears are the only outlet at my disposal. I am considering turning on the faucet and taking a shower in my clothes. I am wearing my velour pants (as I call them, my plastic surgery pants) and I am wondering if they will soak up enough water to act as a cold compress for my leg with is unbelievably painful. I am crying because I can't come up with the words to understand where Scott is right now. I am crying because I am frustrated that I can't be his outlet, I am the last person that wants to hear about how me being sick has affected him. I am crying because I know this will make others cry. I am crying because I feel like I lost the momentum I had before I was diagnosed. I am crying because I can't seem to get a foothold on anything in the future. I am crying because I am afraid to make plans, afraid to drive my car, afraid to be around too many people, afraid to be afraid. I am angry I am afraid. I was a ball-to-the-wall type of girl....I wasn't afraid of anything, now all I seem to be is afraid. Maybe afraid isn't the right word, maybe I am crying because my life isn't perfect. That my hard work amounted to something small, and then moved backwards. Maybe the tears are a result of my disorganized brain and piles of laundry. Maybe it is because I feel behind and am overwhelmed.

Maybe it is because it is the one thing I can control when it starts and stops. I am crying because I know Scott is out there crying. I am crying because people may read this and view it as weak. I am crying because they are wrong (but I am not sure how to prove it).

Now if you'll excuse me I am going to move the computer out of the tub and possibly take a clothed, cold shower. Then there is a very good possibility that my illness, rash, swollen face and tears could use a drink.


  1. I am in awe. I think you showed how strong you are by putting these words out in the universe. You'll get through. Eventually.

  2. sometimes, it just sucks. i am sorry. I wish I could make it better. I am sorry.

  3. Sweet Love, you are stronger than you think you are. You are going to get through this tough have made it so far already! Thank you for sharing your journey with us. I am in awe of how brave you are - you share your vulnerability with us and it helps us all to remember that there is so much more to healing than whether or not the cancer is still present in our bodies.

    My mom just got diagnosed with breast cancer and she is having a mastectomy in a few weeks. I feel like the time I have spent reading your blog has helped to prepare me some for what she will be going through. Thank you so much.

    P.S. G-d counts the tears of wimmin.

  4. Thank you for sharing this deeply personal blog with the world. What you are experiencing is something that so many in your situation are experiencing. There is help out there -- for caregivers and survivors alike. Seeking out help might be a good idea. Cancer fallout is immense and very serious. I hope you are doing better now.