Fundraiser!!!

Desiree is donating 20% of her sales (up to August 21st) to help me pay medical bills. Please check out her site!! Lots of love and thanks to Desiree!


http://www.etsy.com/shop/ArtDecoDame

(sorry I can't figure out how to make the link active on the blog, just copy/paste it)

sleep sleep cry

Lots under my belt: chemo teach, PET Scan, and another trip to the plastic surgeon the last two days. Today at the plastic surgeon I had fluid put in the left side to make it match a little more to the right side. Due to having extra skin/fat it didn't hurt.....wahooo.

I thought I was ready for the chemo teach, I read everything, talked to people, and did my own research. And it wasn't bad, it was just a reiteration of everything I had read previously. Good news: my mom will be able to be with me after I start chemo! But the chemo teach broke me. I cried throughout the "class". I was able to drive home but went straight to the bathroom, sat on the ground and wailed. I cried so hard, I broke out in hives, couldn't breathe and began shaking. I ignored my mom and sister--wanting to just be alone. Nothing I did made it better, and to top it off I couldn't have any carbs or sugars because of my PET Scan today (nothing 24 hours prior).

I didn't just break, I transformed. All of the pain, unknown, anger, nerves, and loss of control came to a head. The dam finally broke, and is still spilling over today. I cry uncontrollably and my thoughts are clouded. Things seem to be coming out of the cracks.....I can't keep a handle on it and am in mid-meltdown. Yep, here I am, meltdown...a big fatty ass, world hating, woe is me, I don't want to wake up, meltdown. I am honestly surprised that I lasted this long.....we should have placed bets.

My family can't help me because I need to be alone, I can't help myself because I am lost. What kicked it into high gear was the awareness that I really won't have control over anything once I start chemo............nothing, zip, zilch, nada..... This is foreign to me and is frightening, so frightening that the last two days have been complete panic attacks.

Also we found out some news financially and it looks as though things aren't going to be as stable as we would have hoped during my treatment. I know I can't control this either, which sends me into another whirlwind of tears. Any fundraising ideas or anyone who wants to be in charge of one.....there are no words to express our gratitude to those who have or will help us.

I don't think there are words to describe the helplessness I feel and the amount of terror that has made its home in my stomach.

I am in a free fall.............straight to chemo on Tuesday.

tell all the medical professionals you visit that you are taking this drug...

Well I am back from Okanogan and had both my nutrition and physical therapist appointment today, both went well but with the traveling and not feeling so well yesterday I am pretty exhausted. I was fortunate enough when I was in Okanogan to be invited to a dinner with some pretty amazing women. All are currently undergoing treatment for breast cancer or are survivors, or support people of a loved one with breast cancer. It was a gracious invitation and I am so thankful the timing worked for me to attend. Thanks to all the ladies!!

I read through my folder of information from the oncologist today to bone up for my chemo teach tomorrow. It is with horror that I read my mom may not be able to be with me, she had a live vaccine given to her a week ago--the information says I have to avoid people given a live vaccine for 30 days!! We will get the final decision tomorrow but for now I have the worry knot in my stomach......

Here is a bit of info on one of the drugs I am getting (docetaxel) so you all can bone up to:

This drug can cause allergic reactions in some people when the drug is given, especially with the first few treatments. Although you will be given medicine ahead of time to lower this risk, reactions are still possible. Mild reactions may consist of fever, chills, skin itching, or feeling flushed. More serious reactions happen rarely, but can be dangerous. Symptoms can include feeling lightheaded or dizzy (due to low blood pressure), chest tightness, shortness of breath, back pain, or swelling of the face, tongue, or throat. Tell your doctor or nurse right away if you notice any of these symptoms during or after being given the drug.

This drug may cause your body to retain fluid. This can lead to swelling in your hands or feet. Fluid may also collect in your abdomen, which could make you feel bloated. In more serious cases, fluid may collect in your chest, which can lead to trouble breathing. Let your doctor or nurse know right away if you suddenly gain weight, notice swelling in any part of your body, or develop shortness of breath.

You may have nausea and vomiting on the day you receive this drug or in the first few days afterward. Your doctor may give you medicine before your treatment to help prevent nausea and vomiting. You will likely also get a prescription for an anti-nausea medicine that you can take at home. It is important to have these medicines on hand and to take them as prescribed by your doctor.

This drug may cause sores in the mouth or on the lips, which often occur within the first few weeks after starting treatment. This can cause mouth pain, bleeding, or even trouble eating. Your doctor or nurse can suggest ways to reduce this, such as changing the way you eat or how you brush your teeth. If needed, your doctor can prescribe medicine to help with the pain.

This drug can cause diarrhea, which in some cases may be severe. If left unchecked, this could lead to dehydration and chemical imbalances in the body. Your doctor may prescribe medicine to help prevent or control this side effect. It is very important that you take this medicine as prescribed. Make sure you get the medicine right away, so that you will have it at home when you need it.

This drug may cause damage to certain nerves in the body, which can lead to a condition called peripheral neuropathy. This can cause numbness, weakness, pain, or sensations of burning or tingling, usually in the hands or feet. These are sometimes related to being exposed to hot or cold temperatures. These symptoms can sometimes worsen to include trouble walking or holding something in your hands. You will be watched closely for these symptoms. Let your doctor know right away if you notice any of them. If your symptoms are severe enough, this drug may need to be stopped or the dose reduced until they get better.

This drug may increase liver enzyme levels in your blood. Your doctor will likely check your liver function with blood tests on a regular basis. The drug may need to be stopped if the changes are severe. If you have liver metastasis or other liver problems before starting treatment, the doctor may need to monitor you more carefully.

This drug can cause a condition known as hand-foot syndrome, in which a person may experience pain, numbness, tingling, reddening, or swelling in the hands or feet. Peeling, blistering, or sores on the skin in these areas are also possible. Let your doctor know right away if you notice any of these symptoms.

Your doctor will likely test your blood frequently throughout your treatment, looking for possible effects of the drug on blood counts or on blood chemistry levels. Based on the test results, you may be given medicines to help treat any effects. Your doctor may also need to reduce or delay your next dose of this drug, or even stop it altogether. Be sure to keep all appointments for lab work and doctor visits.

This drug can lower your white blood cell count, especially in the weeks after the drug is given. This can increase your chance of getting a serious, or even life-threatening, infection. Be sure to let your doctor or nurse know right away if you have any signs of infection, such as fever (100.5° or higher), chills, pain when passing urine, a new cough, or bringing up sputum.

This drug may lower your red blood cell count. If this occurs, it is usually a few months after starting treatment. A low red blood cell count (known as anemia) can cause shortness of breath, or make you to feel weak or tired all the time. Your doctor may give you medicines to help prevent or treat this condition, or you may need to get blood transfusions.

In rare cases, this drug may lower your platelet count in the weeks after it is given, which can increase your risk of bleeding. Speak with your doctor before taking any drugs or supplements that might affect your body’s ability to stop bleeding, such as aspirin or aspirin-containing medicines, warfarin (Coumadin), or vitamin E. Tell your doctor right away if you have unusual bruising, or bleeding such as nosebleeds, bleeding gums when you brush your teeth, or black, tarry stools.

Do not get any immunizations (vaccines), either during or after treatment with this drug, without your doctor’s OK. This drug may affect your immune system, which could make vaccinations ineffective, or could even lead to serious infections. Try to avoid contact with people who have recently received a live virus vaccine, such as the oral polio vaccine or smallpox vaccine. Check with your doctor about this.

Possible side effects
You will probably not have most of the following side effects, but if you have any talk to your doctor or nurse. They can help you understand the side effects and cope with them.

Common
•low white blood cell count with increased risk of serious infection*
•retaining fluid (may include swelling in hands or feet, shortness of breath)*
•nausea*
•diarrhea*
•hair loss, including face and body hair
•feeling weak
•low red blood cell count (anemia)*
•stopping of menstrual cycles (periods) in women
•rash, which can be severe
Less common
•allergic reaction (fever, flushing, itching, rapid heart rate, shortness of breath, throat swelling, dizziness)*
•numbness, tingling, or pain in the hands, feet, or elsewhere*
•weakness in the hands and feet
•sores in the mouth or on the lips*
•vomiting
•fever
•feeling tired
•change in how things taste
•loss of appetite
•nails changing color or becoming brittle
•skin rash
•abnormal blood tests which suggest that the drug is affecting the liver (Your doctor will discuss the importance of this finding, if any.)*
Rare
•low blood platelet count with increased risk of bleeding*
•redness, pain, swelling, or blisters on hands or feet (hand-foot syndrome)*
•muscle or joint pain
•shortness of breath
•excess tears from the eyes
•darkening of skin where prior radiation was given (radiation recall)
•death from infection, bleeding, or other complication

fake it til you make it

Insomnia is a cruel, cruel lady. I imagine it as a lady because I feel like a "lady" can be peachy-keen to your face, then stab you in the back when you turn to leave.

I am visiting Okanogan and staying at my moms for a few days. I wasn't sure I was going to be able to make the trip because I haven't had a free weekday in the last two months, but we were able to work it out. It has been great to see family and just relax on the couch and watch the river...and let's be honest, some TV.

I slept the entire ride over on Sunday, except to wake up to eat a cheeseburger and fries, then back to dreamland while my mom safely maneuvered crazy Sunday summer traffic. The sleep helped me recuperate quite nicely from my "chemo sucks" party the night before. Surprisingly I didn't get sloppy drunk (not that it's a habit, but I am highly emotional and hadn't had a jello shot in many years) and was able to take in all the positive energy of those around me. It was such a great patchwork of people from all areas of my life, present and past. To those of you who were able to make it, and on such short notice--thank you from the bottom of my heart. I don't think there are words to describe being able to be surrounded by love and even though it was a party because I was starting chemo, at the time I forgot I had cancer. I was so in the moment talking to everyone that I forgot to worry. I was able to be present, in the moment, and laugh and hug--and I only cried once, and it was for a damn good reason (thanks Jennifer!). I know that the party put me in a better place to begin chemo and reminded me that I am not going through this alone.......

I meet with a physical therapist and nutritionist on Wednesday. I find it humorous that I meet with a nutritionist when there is a high likelihood that I won't be able to monitor most of what I eat, and it will be small amounts of saltines and Ensure that sustains me. Also it makes me sad, because this was supposed to be the summer I took care of myself. Since I met Scott I have probably put on a good 35 pounds--and yes I know he is a keeper for many reasons, but #1 he met me when I was "skinny" and married me when I was my heaviest and #2 he is pretty much all the best emotions and caring instinct a person can have rolled into one person. And he has never mentioned the 35lbs.....and we all know he noticed. So I was going to work out, eat better and not worry so much about the scale, but just feel better about myself. I told people about it, so once you tell people it's like a verbal contract, now it is an obligation.

People gain weight for various reasons, mine probably had something to do with the french fries and mayo I ate in college coming back to haunt me in adulthood. I lost my dad which was the hardest thing I have ever went through and embraced stress eating for the first time--and copious amounts of beer (welcome 7-10 pounds), I went to graduate school (hello more weight), and through out the process of working, getting certifications, and stress eating--well here I am. And instead of working out and getting "fit" this summer--I got cancer. Life's a tricky bitch.

Now I am forced to take care of myself in a completely different way than I had planned. And I think I have probably gained 10 more pounds due to stress eating and retaining water in the last 2 months alone. Goodbye self-esteem, hello pity party. I am a stress eater, and I have found that it is hard for people to tell someone with cancer "no", so I have been eating pretty shitty the past few months. Exactly the opposite of what I want to do, I should be working on getting myself in the best health possible before chemo......... Too late now, so I am just going to roll with it (chubby pun intended).

Scott recently said to me "I wish you were healthy" (not referring to cancer) but referring to the fact that he wished my stress eating was a spinach salad, not a meatball sub. I was upset for awhile, my self-esteem being in the negative and mulled it over for a few days. Then I realized he was right--I wished I was healthy too....I wished that I had the dedication that I put into my professional life into myself. That I had acted on the intentions sooner--but once you hit a wall, it's really hard to get over it.

Being chubby will give me a reserve for when I start chemo, so there is a light at the end of the tunnel. There is an increased chance that I will maintain a "healthy" weight which helps keep my body in check when my immune system is non-existent. Cancer has forced me to take many, many hard looks at myself in the mirror mentally and physically and overall I like what I am seeing. My motivation has veered slightly, but has remained pointed in the direction of self-care.

It is frustrating and exhausting to worry about what will happen in the next 6 months. To lay in bed wide awake running scenarios through your head, worrying about others worrying about you, and any tiny detail that I can ruminate on for a few hours is taking precedent over sleep. So I get out of bed, and blog a bit, hoping that releasing some emotion will be like warm milk.........cheers.

chemo sucks, parties don't

Well I have been to work the last three days, wahooo! It has been a breath of fresh air and has given me something to do. I went to do some shopping for the party on Saturday and it was twisted. I bought pink decorations, a shit pot of beer, a multi-daily 4x pill container, a ear thermometer, hand sanitizer, and some other things. The checkout woman asked if I was throwing a party, I said yes. Then she asked if I took care of an elderly relative, I said no. She asked what I was doing and I said "well I have breast cancer and am throwing a party, and I am getting things gathered for when I start chemo." She said nothing...not even have a nice day......

I love parties. Throughout my life there has been many different definitions for what I would call a "party"--all fun and in my life for a reason. I enjoy the commotion of people, new connections, hugs, and getting to catch up on what is going on with others. A lot of "parties" in my past I don't remember---those parties weren't necessarily in honor of anything. History of parties with too much alcohol aside, I love parties. So, tomorrow I am having a party. A bitter-sweet, kick-in-the-ass, slap-in-the-face kind of party. I get to see lots of people that I love, newly in my life and the long lost. I get to laugh, smile, hug, and I am sure shed a few tears. The problem is that it's not like I had left the country and just came back from a trip, or had a baby, or some sort of happy life changing event--it's not even a game night for god sake. It's because I have cancer, it's because I am sick, it is because people feel sorry for me, because people don't know what to do, because people need to see me in the flesh to know that I am still ticking, it is because I have to have chemo, it is because my life has been ripped and stripped of security.............it is because I will be so sick in the future that I won't be able to be around people. I will be isolated (literally)----alone with cancer.

Despite the reason for the party, I am really excited. Take a last look at me with hair because soon it will be gone. Take a picture of me smiling because soon my eyes will be sunken in and tired. Hugs tomorrow because soon my joints will be too sore to touch, spend time with me now because soon I won't have the energy.

The next 6 months are "trial and error" and I get to be the guinea pig. I never liked guinea pigs--they have weird little fingers....I guess I will learn to adapt, it's not like pin cushions are all that neat and I have been one for over a month...

On a more medical note--I have my PET scan scheduled for next Friday, my lymphedema therapy and my chemo teach. I am heading home to visit family after the party for a few days--then back to Tacoma for more tests........

Cancer has taken over my schedule--but not my life.

1 vein, 2 vein, 3 vein, 4

Whew, another day of being a pin cushion behind me. Because I had the lymph nodes on my right side removed I can't have any injections, pokes, or pressure. That leaves my poor left arm to provide veins--apparently not an easy task. I had my blood drawn when I first got to the hospital (vein #1), I then went for my MUGA and had a radioactive marker injected (vein #2), then after a half hour had an injection of a radioactive substance (vein #3). When I arrived at day surgery for my port insert I was sure to remind them (kindly but firmly) that you can't poke or take my blood pressure on my right arm--and veins are hard to come by on the left. As a result vein #4 was poked (after 15 minutes of having the elastic on my arm and the nurse saying "really hard to find anything here, hope I don't poke a tendon") and I had an IV inserted--after blood squirted everywhere and pooled next to my ass on the gurney.

Conscious sedation doesn't work when you have the adrenaline of a race horse. I was anxious because I hadn't had anything to eat or drink since the night before and it was already 3:30pm. I thought I was going to be mostly asleep, so when conscious was mentioned my anxiety spiked, and never went down. I was given "a lot" (according to the nurse) of medication but was still awake, crying, and talking throughout the port insert. Everyone was extremely nice and supportive, except the nurse who put some sort of metal instrument on my face over the sterile drape without acknowledging it happening or that I was terrified. It is crazy how disengaged people become once the "patients" face is covered.......

Here are some of the quotes from medical personnel:
"Oh wow..........how does a nice 26 year old have cancer?"
"So how did you find out? I mean I am terrified to even think of it."
"I always freak out if I feel something different, I would just hate having breast cancer."
"Just breathe through this, the port is the easy part--remember you have to do chemo, that should invoke anxiety"
"26.......huh, does it run in your family? (no) WHAT?! That really is too bad."

Dear medical professionals--please shut up, stop tilting your head feeling sorry for me, stop patronizing me because of my age, stop projecting your personal concerns onto me when/because I am already vulnerable, embrace that I can make my own decisions, and don't give me unsolicited personal advice, or tell me how you would be dealing with it.

I find myself tearing up when professionals treat me as me--not as breast cancer. The doctors support staff that were there for the port placement did as such. They know I have cancer, they know I am getting a port for chemo. No one asks "why/how/what are you?" in a way that makes me upset. They look past the cancer and look into my eyes, take me seriously, and are supportive without being offensive. After recovery I had a nurse who was spectacular. I wasn't drugged up (see above paragraph regarding adrenaline), he asked how I found out that I had cancer (his aunt was diagnosed recently) and said he was encouraged by my strength. He said bad things happen to sweet people, and that the way I am handling it seems extraordinary. I told him it was because this stupid port was the last medical thing I had to do before chemo, so I was relieved that procedures were done.

Now I am home, swollen neck, more pain meds, and a port owners manual....

hot mess

update: 12 eggs fertilized---these embryos are now on their way to Reno where they will be frozen for 5 or so years.....


What do you do when your rock rolls? When your foot in the past is shaky and making your future unbalanced? What happens when a relationship built on trust, honesty and deep commitment is pulled, tugged, stretched and given cancer? This. Life happens. Cancer happens. Not just committed relationships (white dress, lots of beer, vows of some kind, relationship) but relationships of friendship, of family, of people you just met; touch their lives and you are now connected--bonded by cancer.

Cancer brings people together and pulls people apart. Cancer is not only a toxin for the body (my body) but a filtering system making its way, slowly and surely into every aspect of my life, every relationship, everyone I meet............

cancer, cancer, cancer, cancer.........no matter how many times you say it, it doesn't get better, easier, or more fun. Actually I think it gets shittier....the more support and help I need, the harder it is on those around me. The more severe the diagnosis, the harder it is on others. Though I have found that for some it is a nice distraction when it is convenient for them---if it is convenient to be distraught, then they are there--but if becomes a hassle or there is no attention for them, then cancer isn't such a big deal after all.

Times are tough, I get that. I have cancer, I get that too--but what I don't get, or understand is how to play the cards I am now being dealt. How do I incorporate other players in this game? How do I gain some control? Do I forgo all control? Do I hold on tight to the past, what I was dealt previously? Or do I play them as they are dealt? I wish it was all just easy questions about cards that could just be answered, I also wish my dad was here to tell me when to fold--I can be stubborn, I play to win, take no prisoners and lead by my gut (a lot like him).

I am disappointed. Disappointment is much more infectious than anger. I can't just throw something, hit a few melons, or burrow under the covers to make it go away. I find when I wake up I am still disappointed. I have been stripped of a lot of my security and walls in the last few days and not sure what to do, I am grasping at those damn straws that seem just out of reach, not to mention not strong enough to begin with. It is a scary predicament when you feel your rock is just a bit out of reach...especially when you are purposely rolling it away.

Relationships (look for an extended chapter in my book) are strained. Mine is currently. The amount of stress that has been dumped on our happy marriage is insurmountable, I get that. But despite the shit and pain, I still have cancer, still have to do chemo, still have to fight daily to lift my head off the pillow and think of a reason to get up, get dressed, and not cry over coffee, over lunch, over dinner, and throughout the night. I am still a pin cushion who is going to be given a "trial and error" next 6 months. I, along with many others, had the rug pulled out from beneath my feet and landed face first.

I am hurt and upset, and I have medical stuff tomorrow--scary sedative medical stuff. I will be having my MUGA scan to see what condition my heart is in and also a day surgery of having my chemo port put in.......looks like lorazepam dreams it is.