Sunday, August 1, 2010

hot mess

update: 12 eggs fertilized---these embryos are now on their way to Reno where they will be frozen for 5 or so years.....

What do you do when your rock rolls? When your foot in the past is shaky and making your future unbalanced? What happens when a relationship built on trust, honesty and deep commitment is pulled, tugged, stretched and given cancer? This. Life happens. Cancer happens. Not just committed relationships (white dress, lots of beer, vows of some kind, relationship) but relationships of friendship, of family, of people you just met; touch their lives and you are now connected--bonded by cancer.

Cancer brings people together and pulls people apart. Cancer is not only a toxin for the body (my body) but a filtering system making its way, slowly and surely into every aspect of my life, every relationship, everyone I meet............

cancer, cancer, cancer, matter how many times you say it, it doesn't get better, easier, or more fun. Actually I think it gets shittier....the more support and help I need, the harder it is on those around me. The more severe the diagnosis, the harder it is on others. Though I have found that for some it is a nice distraction when it is convenient for them---if it is convenient to be distraught, then they are there--but if becomes a hassle or there is no attention for them, then cancer isn't such a big deal after all.

Times are tough, I get that. I have cancer, I get that too--but what I don't get, or understand is how to play the cards I am now being dealt. How do I incorporate other players in this game? How do I gain some control? Do I forgo all control? Do I hold on tight to the past, what I was dealt previously? Or do I play them as they are dealt? I wish it was all just easy questions about cards that could just be answered, I also wish my dad was here to tell me when to fold--I can be stubborn, I play to win, take no prisoners and lead by my gut (a lot like him).

I am disappointed. Disappointment is much more infectious than anger. I can't just throw something, hit a few melons, or burrow under the covers to make it go away. I find when I wake up I am still disappointed. I have been stripped of a lot of my security and walls in the last few days and not sure what to do, I am grasping at those damn straws that seem just out of reach, not to mention not strong enough to begin with. It is a scary predicament when you feel your rock is just a bit out of reach...especially when you are purposely rolling it away.

Relationships (look for an extended chapter in my book) are strained. Mine is currently. The amount of stress that has been dumped on our happy marriage is insurmountable, I get that. But despite the shit and pain, I still have cancer, still have to do chemo, still have to fight daily to lift my head off the pillow and think of a reason to get up, get dressed, and not cry over coffee, over lunch, over dinner, and throughout the night. I am still a pin cushion who is going to be given a "trial and error" next 6 months. I, along with many others, had the rug pulled out from beneath my feet and landed face first.

I am hurt and upset, and I have medical stuff tomorrow--scary sedative medical stuff. I will be having my MUGA scan to see what condition my heart is in and also a day surgery of having my chemo port put in.......looks like lorazepam dreams it is.


  1. I can't imagine what sort of constant stress cancer puts on a person, much less the ties between people. But I am happy that you are still here, and hopeful that the chemo is minimally crappy and maximally effective. Or something that makes sense. I care, and I am in your corner, I just haven't reached out much since I don't know what I can offer to you that would be helpful or wanted. I don't know if you still have my number, but if you do you can use it any time. If you don't you can email me. :)

  2. (((((Dori))) Your continued spirit and strength inspires me on a daily basis. I can imagine the toll this is taking on you and everyone in your inner circle.

    It is so hard to watch a loved one go through torturous medical procedures, to feel helpless in the face of a powerful force that you can't control. To have to stand and watch someone be constantly poked with needles, or have tubes shoved down their throats, and other invasive procedures and stand strong, when your instinct may be to run and hide, like you say... bury yourself under the covers until it is over. It is one of the worst feelings in the world.

    In the face of this burden, all I can do is continue to hope and pray for the best for you, and renew my offer to help you in any way that I can.

    I love you girl. Please call or text me if you ever need ANYTHING! <3

  3. It sounds like it's time for the Hot Mess to come and go on a Cancer Ice Journey with me. The bowls are waiting! What do you say?

  4. I know someone who would join you on that Cancer Ice Journey, Dori...We even have the "Hot Mess" t-shirt!

  5. Dori,
    I know that we have only met a couple times, and we don't really know anything about each other. I want you to know that I have been reading your blogs and you have been on my mind A LOT lately.

    Nothing anyones says or does will make any of this easier. I want to share with you what my mother told me recently. She said "Ashley, I always told you that the Milligans (my last name) were special, but maybe you're also just a bit human."
    So Dori try to remember that however horrific and sublime your moments sway, you are human, and so is everyone else in this world. Try to forgive yourself and others in this very difficult time. Let yourself feel what you feel and forgive yourself for the days that you don't live up to your own expectations. All you can do is take it one day, one moment at a time. Lean on others when you can and when they offer. Let yourself be human.

    Hope to see you soon and know you're in my thoughts,