Sunday, August 1, 2010
update: 12 eggs fertilized---these embryos are now on their way to Reno where they will be frozen for 5 or so years.....
What do you do when your rock rolls? When your foot in the past is shaky and making your future unbalanced? What happens when a relationship built on trust, honesty and deep commitment is pulled, tugged, stretched and given cancer? This. Life happens. Cancer happens. Not just committed relationships (white dress, lots of beer, vows of some kind, relationship) but relationships of friendship, of family, of people you just met; touch their lives and you are now connected--bonded by cancer.
Cancer brings people together and pulls people apart. Cancer is not only a toxin for the body (my body) but a filtering system making its way, slowly and surely into every aspect of my life, every relationship, everyone I meet............
cancer, cancer, cancer, cancer.........no matter how many times you say it, it doesn't get better, easier, or more fun. Actually I think it gets shittier....the more support and help I need, the harder it is on those around me. The more severe the diagnosis, the harder it is on others. Though I have found that for some it is a nice distraction when it is convenient for them---if it is convenient to be distraught, then they are there--but if becomes a hassle or there is no attention for them, then cancer isn't such a big deal after all.
Times are tough, I get that. I have cancer, I get that too--but what I don't get, or understand is how to play the cards I am now being dealt. How do I incorporate other players in this game? How do I gain some control? Do I forgo all control? Do I hold on tight to the past, what I was dealt previously? Or do I play them as they are dealt? I wish it was all just easy questions about cards that could just be answered, I also wish my dad was here to tell me when to fold--I can be stubborn, I play to win, take no prisoners and lead by my gut (a lot like him).
I am disappointed. Disappointment is much more infectious than anger. I can't just throw something, hit a few melons, or burrow under the covers to make it go away. I find when I wake up I am still disappointed. I have been stripped of a lot of my security and walls in the last few days and not sure what to do, I am grasping at those damn straws that seem just out of reach, not to mention not strong enough to begin with. It is a scary predicament when you feel your rock is just a bit out of reach...especially when you are purposely rolling it away.
Relationships (look for an extended chapter in my book) are strained. Mine is currently. The amount of stress that has been dumped on our happy marriage is insurmountable, I get that. But despite the shit and pain, I still have cancer, still have to do chemo, still have to fight daily to lift my head off the pillow and think of a reason to get up, get dressed, and not cry over coffee, over lunch, over dinner, and throughout the night. I am still a pin cushion who is going to be given a "trial and error" next 6 months. I, along with many others, had the rug pulled out from beneath my feet and landed face first.
I am hurt and upset, and I have medical stuff tomorrow--scary sedative medical stuff. I will be having my MUGA scan to see what condition my heart is in and also a day surgery of having my chemo port put in.......looks like lorazepam dreams it is.