Friday, August 13, 2010
sleep sleep cry
Lots under my belt: chemo teach, PET Scan, and another trip to the plastic surgeon the last two days. Today at the plastic surgeon I had fluid put in the left side to make it match a little more to the right side. Due to having extra skin/fat it didn't hurt.....wahooo.
I thought I was ready for the chemo teach, I read everything, talked to people, and did my own research. And it wasn't bad, it was just a reiteration of everything I had read previously. Good news: my mom will be able to be with me after I start chemo! But the chemo teach broke me. I cried throughout the "class". I was able to drive home but went straight to the bathroom, sat on the ground and wailed. I cried so hard, I broke out in hives, couldn't breathe and began shaking. I ignored my mom and sister--wanting to just be alone. Nothing I did made it better, and to top it off I couldn't have any carbs or sugars because of my PET Scan today (nothing 24 hours prior).
I didn't just break, I transformed. All of the pain, unknown, anger, nerves, and loss of control came to a head. The dam finally broke, and is still spilling over today. I cry uncontrollably and my thoughts are clouded. Things seem to be coming out of the cracks.....I can't keep a handle on it and am in mid-meltdown. Yep, here I am, meltdown...a big fatty ass, world hating, woe is me, I don't want to wake up, meltdown. I am honestly surprised that I lasted this long.....we should have placed bets.
My family can't help me because I need to be alone, I can't help myself because I am lost. What kicked it into high gear was the awareness that I really won't have control over anything once I start chemo............nothing, zip, zilch, nada..... This is foreign to me and is frightening, so frightening that the last two days have been complete panic attacks.
Also we found out some news financially and it looks as though things aren't going to be as stable as we would have hoped during my treatment. I know I can't control this either, which sends me into another whirlwind of tears. Any fundraising ideas or anyone who wants to be in charge of one.....there are no words to express our gratitude to those who have or will help us.
I don't think there are words to describe the helplessness I feel and the amount of terror that has made its home in my stomach.
I am in a free fall.............straight to chemo on Tuesday.