Monday, August 16, 2010
Well tomorrow is the big day, begins at 8am and lasts 6 hours. I plan to do a ceremonial, last shaving of the legs, pack up my chemo bag, watch some mind-numbing TV, cry a bit, paint my nails, drink a few good beers, hopefully not hyperventilate, take some valium and get some sleep.
I spent the last few days at the ocean with family and it was a great break. As much as I love facebook and my blog--not having the internet helped center me a bit. I have moved from wallowing in fear to more of a die hard like bruce willis. If I am going to have to do this, and I am, then I am going to fucking do it. I will ride it out...shit, vomit, nausea and hair loss happens, so i will just embrace it...........(easier said than done, but I am working on it!)
I also went to the plastic surgeon on Friday and had some fluid injected into my left yaybie so it no longer has the likeness of a wrinkled apple with goose-bumps...well I guess it still does, it is just bigger, so in a shirt it looks about the same size as the right yaybie--I am balanced! Cheers! We have to wait to add more fluid until right before the next round of chemo (when my counts will be the highest and it is okay for them to poke me with a needle and use a huge syringe to put saline into my chest).
And further accomplishments: thanks to a great phone conversation with my cancer doula (love you Patti!) I realized that I can spend time on the bathroom floor in fits of hysterics, but I also have to let people help (HUGE issue for me, again, working on it!). I am lucky to be surrounded by the people I am, and life has a great way of weeding out people, what I am left with is a group of people stronger and more supportive than I can imagine, a web of people from all areas of my life, woven together--making supportive an understatement.........love to you all.
My mom cleaned my house today, getting everything "chemo" ready. I was surprised to learn that it takes a week for my white blood cells to drop (the time where I am more susceptible to disease, illness and having to go in the hospital for having a fever). So we are starting out with a clean slate, and keeping Clorox wipes as our right hand. I have enough hand sanitizer to take out the plague and am ready to shave my head at a moments notice (though it usually takes approximately 21 days for your hair to fall out after your first cycle of chemo).
So here I sit, on the eve of the scariest thing I have yet to do in my young life. I wouldn't wish this anticipation and fear on anyone, acknowledging it for myself is plenty terrifying. I really don't have any thoughts that are profound, words of encouragement for myself or anything that makes it easier. I don't have a choice in the matter, so here I go....
(I feel like chemo eve should be some sort of holiday--maybe a tree, some lights...I know it sounds like christmas but in my twisted thinking a pink tree decorated with twinkle lights, some bras and throw-up bags seems festive enough to put a smile on my face and a laugh in my belly.)
cancer picked the wrong bitch.