|lady parts at the aquarium|
Yesterday I was a hot mess of lycra, sweat, spilled water, an I-Pod cord wrapped around me, swollen calves, numb toes, and a blister the size of a quarter..................but I did 4 miles on the treadmill. I walked, sometimes speedily.........and yes I had to hold onto the handles/arm rests (wasn't really sure what they were for before, but now I know they are there to keep my unsteady fat ass from falling to what probably would be a horrible face-burn of treadmill and raw embarrassment--mostly because if I did that I would feel the need to blog about it and that would be awful). They are also there so I can dance to the music coming from my I-Pod and when I get a little crazy, I can hold on for dear life. I have defeated chub-rub while working out.............I wear the tightest workout pants I can find (chub-rub eliminated from legs and lady-parts; check).
Today I was another hot mess and............I did 3.14 miles on the treadmill, I know--hell just froze over. I had done 2 miles day before yesterday---so in the last 3 days I have done 9.14 miles...........more than I have done since July............ Though I have eliminated chub-rub from the legs and lady-parts I have developed it elsewhere.....now that 'anti-monkey butt' powder I saw at Target makes a whole lot more sense. But life has taken an upward turn that I wasn't expecting. The neurontin is working--I mean, 2 weeks ago I could barely make it from the bed to the living room in the mornings................I was falling asleep at 4am and hoping to sleep, taking pain medication, and feeling like my body would never catch up with my brain. Now I am falling asleep around 11pm and waking up at 8am or 9am. I am not waking up with panic attacks, and I actually "feel" sleepy at night--I think it is the mix of neurontin with the ativan I take at night--a perfect cocktail if you ask me.
My body is starting to like itself again, the cherry on top? I started my period today....or what I think is my period. I haven't had a cycle since September due to chemo. I have been told that I probably wouldn't have a cycle for a year or more after chemo....if ever. It has only been today, and who knows exactly what it is happening--or if it is even my cycle.........but it looks like chemo didn't fry as much as we thought---at least that is my hope. I have a meeting with my oncologist tomorrow for my "survivor" plan and I will find out more then (like estrogen levels and if I will need to start Tamoxifen, the estrogen blocker, earlier than August, etc...). It is fucking icing on the cake if you ask me---2 weeks ago I just wanted to get some shut-eye........now I am walking and bleeding like crazy, the joy I feel is overwhelming. I now have a knot in my chest from holding back tears of joy---of astonishment that my body can work, that it remembers what healthy feels like, I no longer feel like my body shut down at the mention of cancer.....it just hibernated (to save the good stuff) and now it is stretching in the sun.....coming back for round 2.
I am still waiting for the other shoe to drop, for me to wake up and feel ancient again, to have the shooting pain, the unexplained burning, the anxiety running through my body.....but I have been at the bottom, I was born to survive....even if the pain comes back, I know it is possible for me to have days without it--and I will hold on to that. I think lots of things are in play, working together at this point, allowing my body to heal. Food as medicine, nutritional supplements, exercise, sleep, massage, yoga, reiki, acupuncture, positive energy, and love--lots and lots of love.
Me: I think I am losing weight.
Scott: Yeah, your stretch marks look different.