Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Well, hello world, how've you been?

Today I walked a mile and a half, with Scott and the dogs outside--and I didn't eat a celebration cupcake! 

There are a few things you should know about me if you don't already:
 #1 I don't like outside (this is something I work on because Scott LOVES outside, he would live there--he once told me he wanted to live in a tree house........)
#2 I get embarrassed when I sweat in public (also something I have worked on because I sweat all the time now....)
#3 I haven't worn tennis shoes for 5 months.  But I fucking did it (as I pat myself on the back and scream a mini 'wahoooo!').  My whole body still hurts, but the sunshine was just too much for me to ignore, so out I went.  I am sore as hell now, and I can't wait to do it again tomorrow---probably on the treadmill, but done and done.
#4 I was afraid to start working out again because I am in pain, because once I start I am afraid I will stop, I am afraid I will put too much mental pressure on myself to "lose weight" rather than "be healthy", I am afraid I will defeat myself

I finally have an appointment, next week, for the pain clinic--that is one step closer. I had to postpone going on any type of antidepressant until this meeting--because the one that was suggested by the Crisco Queen doesn't work with the estrogen blocker I will begin in August when my Herceptin infusions are complete--the last thing I want is to have to be 'weened' off of one medication and put on another.  So after discussing it with my oncologist we have decided to wait, go to the pain clinic, and have them prescribe one that will help with the swelling, hot flashes, sleeping, anxiety, numbness, etc.... that also works well with whatever is decided for the pain.

I have stopped throwing random crying fits like a 2 year old, so I feel like that is a good sign.  I still feel a heaviness in my chest that creeps up my neck.........like there is an impending doom that I can literally feel coming.  We all know there is no impending doom, and more likely than not no blood clot in my chest to cause such pain--it is a straight shot of anxiety. Anxiety that is different than it was before.  It no longer begins in my feet and works its way up slowly through my legs, my abdomen and into my chest.  My feet, ankles, and legs are already busy being in pain....so the anxiety has made a nest in my tissue expander chest......nestled right in there next to my heart.  Tugging on heart strings has a whole different meaning when they are busy trying to suffocate worry and anxiety---their new next door neighbor.
It seems unreal to me that I have been through so much..........now I am a fish out of water, trying to grow legs, some lungs, and figure out where the hell I ended up.  I have ended up in a place where the world seems foreign, but slowly I am becoming familiar with my surroundings.  I am excited to continue using my new found legs and whip my ass into shape--mentally and physically.

I am relearning how to approach the world everyday..........

"Well, hello world, how've you been?"


  1. Wish you lived closer so Addie and I could join you on some walks. All walks seem better with an Addie Bear in tow :)