shut the front door



'X' marks the cancer.

 I have been able to process the ER visit that triggered the waterfall of emotions.  I wasn't in the ER with a panic attack, but definitely had one half-way through.  It was the first time I had been in the ER where I wasn't listened to in regards to what I needed.  I feel like I am an ER veteran and when I say I need more of a certain medication, I know how my body works---this isn't my first rodeo.   I know it brought me back to being the "sick" person, having no control of what is going on---and having to wait that unbelievable amount of hours emphasised having 'no control.'  It took me a few days to process (talk about some PTSD), what for some would be a typical ER visit, but for me....a nightmare revisited.

I began taking Tamoxifen this past Monday, so tonight will be my 3rd pill.  I decided to give my ovaries a break and waited a few days.  I take it at night and haven't noticed any side-effects yet.   I have fallen ill with a terrible cold, I went to the doctor today and have ear infections and lots of chest congestion--so I started antibiotics and am hoping to be on the mend soon.  I am not used to being this kind of sick....it has been awhile, I dislike it very much.  Junk in my nose, in my throat, no voice, and #2 we don't even want to talk about....  I have enough essential oils in our bedroom to cause an asthma attack, and am hoping you can't overdose on green tea--because I am way over the legal limit.

I went to the pain clinic and they are going to up my Gabapentin from 900mg (where I tiered up to) to 1800mg--meaning 2 pills 3 times a day.  I will up it slowly, and if I begin to get too tired I can play around with when I take it, or stop taking it at a certain dose.  They seems very flexible and I am happy with our working relationship.  I am still on the treadmill like a champ and it feels great.  I am taking a hiatus as a result of the green stuff that flows so easily from my nose at this point, but am looking forward to seeing it again in a few days.

I am going to see another gynecologist tomorrow afternoon (if I feel up to it) and get my fucking pap.  Sorry Crisco Queen, but I need one and you weren't going to give me one.  Especially since I started Tamoxifen, we need to have a plan laid out for frequent paps, and keeping on top of everything---the last thing I need is another cancer diagnosis.   I will say, if I am laying on the table, legs up in the stirrups, and there is any mention of a cooking product I will walk out butt naked and thank them for their time.  Or maybe I should bring a can of Crisco with me and ask their opinion?

Internally I am dealing with lots of nuts and bolts..........they are floating around and nothing seems to come together....I have sincere trust that it will.  I trust the process.  (probably why I am such a birth junkie)
Life has been crazy for me, it is time to make some plans, do what I enjoy, and get it back---like how 'Stella got her groove back'.......but a bit different.  Ha, that even made me laugh out loud.

"the trust that others place in you is your grace."