Wednesday, February 23, 2011

shut the front door

'X' marks the cancer.
 I have been able to process the ER visit that triggered the waterfall of emotions.  I wasn't in the ER with a panic attack, but definitely had one half-way through.  It was the first time I had been in the ER where I wasn't listened to in regards to what I needed.  I feel like I am an ER veteran and when I say I need more of a certain medication, I know how my body works---this isn't my first rodeo.   I know it brought me back to being the "sick" person, having no control of what is going on---and having to wait that unbelievable amount of hours emphasised having 'no control.'  It took me a few days to process (talk about some PTSD), what for some would be a typical ER visit, but for me....a nightmare revisited.

I began taking Tamoxifen this past Monday, so tonight will be my 3rd pill.  I decided to give my ovaries a break and waited a few days.  I take it at night and haven't noticed any side-effects yet.   I have fallen ill with a terrible cold, I went to the doctor today and have ear infections and lots of chest congestion--so I started antibiotics and am hoping to be on the mend soon.  I am not used to being this kind of has been awhile, I dislike it very much.  Junk in my nose, in my throat, no voice, and #2 we don't even want to talk about....  I have enough essential oils in our bedroom to cause an asthma attack, and am hoping you can't overdose on green tea--because I am way over the legal limit.

I went to the pain clinic and they are going to up my Gabapentin from 900mg (where I tiered up to) to 1800mg--meaning 2 pills 3 times a day.  I will up it slowly, and if I begin to get too tired I can play around with when I take it, or stop taking it at a certain dose.  They seems very flexible and I am happy with our working relationship.  I am still on the treadmill like a champ and it feels great.  I am taking a hiatus as a result of the green stuff that flows so easily from my nose at this point, but am looking forward to seeing it again in a few days.

I am going to see another gynecologist tomorrow afternoon (if I feel up to it) and get my fucking pap.  Sorry Crisco Queen, but I need one and you weren't going to give me one.  Especially since I started Tamoxifen, we need to have a plan laid out for frequent paps, and keeping on top of everything---the last thing I need is another cancer diagnosis.   I will say, if I am laying on the table, legs up in the stirrups, and there is any mention of a cooking product I will walk out butt naked and thank them for their time.  Or maybe I should bring a can of Crisco with me and ask their opinion?

Internally I am dealing with lots of nuts and bolts..........they are floating around and nothing seems to come together....I have sincere trust that it will.  I trust the process.  (probably why I am such a birth junkie)
Life has been crazy for me, it is time to make some plans, do what I enjoy, and get it back---like how 'Stella got her groove back'.......but a bit different.  Ha, that even made me laugh out loud.

"the trust that others place in you is your grace."


  1. Dori,

    This is a very candid post, and I am moved by your sheer courage and fantastic writing style. Your story is compelling. Yes, part of battling cancer is the feeling of being out of control, especially when medical personnel don't listen to you.

    Hope the pap goes well. You rock.

  2. Wow - I just came over here from Beth's blog and I have now added your blog to my blogroll. I am just starting chemo on March 9... and finished my double mastectomy. (funny how there are landmarks to where we are in our 'journey')

    I am going to go back and read yours from the beginning so I can familiarize myself :)


  3. You amaze me, every day.

    My 5 year old daughter, Hope, knows of you, and asks me how you're doing. Today, she wanted me to say "Tell her I like her, I love her, and I hope she feels better soon."

    Especially when times get tough, don't forget, there are tons of people following you, tons more walking behind you, beside you, and with you. And even those of us who are practically strangers, send you love, unconditionally. <3