don't chemo and type

ROUND 3!


Yesterday was my 3rd round of chemo. Today I received my booster shot and am beginning to have intense bone pain. I feel like I have been partying for days and just got slammed by a Mac truck. I am drinking glasses and glasses of water and peeing every 5 minutes. My cell phone alarms are all full due to having too many meds to take during the day. When I am not sleeping I am rambling on and on.... My whole body is slower, walking, creating sentences, speaking, connecting thoughts, being forgetful.....chemo just knocks you plain on your ass.




Let's just say there is no way I could pass a sobriety tests, hell I can barely walk down the hallway.

My mom arrived today to help. Scott has Mondays/Tuesdays off so we have one good day together, then chemo day, then Scott goes back to work and mom comes over to be my new nurse. It is a great system and I am so thankful to have all the support I do. And my sisters live in the area as well--it is great. And to top it all off a pretty great group of friends!

3 down, 3 to go.

we meet again chemo eve.........3rd times a charm

Scott and I on our way to our 3rd chemo eve day date


Tomorrow is my 3rd round of chemo. I am already prepared that tonight won't get the luxury that is sleep...I get weary, I am tired, my feet are tingly, I am not afraid of chemo......but tonight I no I will get no rest. This seems to be the habit......but maybe 3rd times a charm....

I had acupuncture today, fantastic! For those of you who know me you know that I am an advocate of holistic care...as a professional and on a personal level. I really like my acupuncturist, and she is an oncology nurse on top of everything holistic. A little massage, acupuncture, aromatherapy and reiki---a great way to start the day. The blood draw following didn't even damper my spirits, neither did the fact that my appointment began at 8AM---which is early when sleep hasn't been your friend lately. It probably helps that I did get some sleep last night--more than 6 hours.......which is more sleep than I have had in the past week or so.

Scott is going to chemo with me solo tomorrow. It will be nice just the two of us--a twisted version of date, two meals and everything. I am sure he will be fine, he does like the food after all...And considering I sleep a majority of the time he will have 100% control of the TV, the internet and no naggy wife...

When I met Scott I was about half my size, had by old breasts pushed together, in the midst of college partying and needed to be leveled out a bit....it was perfect, he was perfect. Then I got sick, (a habit I had a majority of my life), a few years later they finally put together that my gall bladder was full of stones.......FULL. So I had it removed. After surgery I felt better, I didn't feel guilty that he married someone broken. I was fixed, I felt better---here we go! It didn't really work out that well. I began to get tired again, I was having gastrointestinal issues like before, and it would come out of no where. I sought treatment with holistic therapies and felt better.........then a few years later...........cancer. Broken again. When we first met we were the cute happy couple. My friends loved him and his friends didn't want to strangle me and my loud opinions so I will take that as a plus.

Now I wonder how many people feel sorry for him. Scott, the sweet amazing guy who gets stuck with a broken wife---a wife that now has cancer. It isn't fair, no one deserves this. It is scary. Despite the feelings they have for us, it is fair and understanding that people give us the head tilt of feeling sorry for you, people are thanking whatever deity they worship that it isn't them, let's be honest--I know I would. I would be there to do whatever was necessary, but I would be thankful that my lady parts hadn't turned against me, hadn't tried to kill me, I was still one piece--me. This is something I wouldn't wish on anyone, especially the person I am spending my life with. Someone who has to help me walk now because my feet are numb, helps me remember appointments because I can't now, holds my hand when I cry, opens gatorade and the occasional bottle of wine because I can't feel my fingers, has to live with the fact that I have a ticking time bomb inside....days are numbered--I just wish we knew how many were left.

On my 3rd chemo eve I am glad I felt well enough to do dinner and a movie with Scott. We went during the day and on a Monday so there wasn't a lot of people--5 others actually, not a big crowd on Monday afternoons. I was normal for a little while, even though I had to keep putting on and taking off layers to help adjust to the hot flashes. Let's talk about hot flashes for a second. Those of you under the age of menopause will have no idea what I am talking about. There aren't really words because you have no control over it at all.......you feel it coming on but that is about it. You brace for it, ride the wave, and then do it again--glad I can look forward to this again later in life.......chemo or hormones, either way the hot flashes are miserable. Getting sweaty during the summer has nothing on hot flashes. I just sit there, it gets harder to breathe, and sweat pours from the top of my head. It is like water being dumped, the sweat comes down and all over my face, I peel off whatever layers I have on, take off my hat and sit in front of the fan. In bed I throw off the covers and drink water...I lay on my sweat soaked side of the bed and wait. Then I freeze when it subsides, I layer back up and wipe off the sweat. I then wait for the next one, and the next, and the next.......it beats the hell out of cancer though.


Here's hoping that 3rd times a charm. And if it's not, at least it's the half way point.




My new meds for mouth sores...........mix the two colors together, only 7 times a day...

it was my birthday, I can cry if I want to

I am no longer a 26 year old with cancer, I am a 27 year old.......and that damn cancer is still hanging around........and so is some of my hair. My hair is thinned and buzzed....Scott tells me I look like a soldier. I find that fitting I guess, I am sort of fighting cancer for my life--I will take soer, I will also take SURVIVOR.

I haven't posted for awhile, I haven't been sleeping. I know I have wrote about that a lot, but I haven't slept AT ALL. I guess it is for about 30 minutes at a time and that spreads out through all 24 hours. It had been about 3 days of no sleep and as a result I am unable to type a sentence that made any sense. Last night my body finally gave in and I slept. Scott and I had a date planned...he had a Friday night off--very, very rare. We were going to go dinner and a movie=picture perfect. That night never happened. I was able to make it to my pre-chemo appointment and then home, still exhausted. I tried all day to sleep, with no luck. Scott said he was tired and wanted to take a nap and joined me. He fell asleep within seconds (lucky, lucky boy) and I was also able to fall asleep! And even though our date nights are very very rare, Scott let me sleep. He brought me dinner, watched TV in bed and let me sleep.........I woke up for a bit, and then was able to fall asleep again too.....for a majority of the night. I felt like I won the lottery! I was somewhat rested when I woke up this morning, a feeling I had almost forgot about. Best date night EVER.

I am enjoying today's sunny day from bed. I can't feel my feet, they are numb....again. Not only have I been tired for the last few days, I haven't been able to feel my fingers.......difficult when typing. Today they are a little better, but my feet are numb, except for the outside......so I walk funny and not very far. Lucky for me I have two dogs who are super lazy and they enjoy when I am in bed all day.....that means they get to be too.

My home town had a spaghetti feed last night to raise money for my medical expenses. I come from a very small town. Growing up you knew everyone, they knew you, your parents, your grandparents and quite possibly your great grandparents. My parents are both from there, as well as their parents. The spaghetti feed was at the high school. I wish I could have been there, but germs, nausea, and my inability to walk prohibited me from the drive over. I have received such amazing support from Okanogan I don't know how I will repay and express enough gratitude, there really aren't enough words. I was unappreciative in high school (yes I am aware that most high school kids are). At the time I didn't realize how important community was.....now I couldn't live without it. Everyone knowing me, my parents, my grandparents, etc... is what has motivated donations, fund raisers, supporters, prayers, postitive thoughts and love from my small town. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. Many, many times over.

My 3rd round of chemo is Tuesday...that marks my half way point with this particular treatment. I will have to continue Herceptin for another 6 months, but it won't be as rough as the chemo. Then the estrogen pill for 5 years. If all goes as planned I will then have my treatment complete. I am looking forward to those 5 years. It gives Scott and I a cushion of time to be together, save money, and make up for this chemo experience. We were trying to get pregnant when this whole thing started, now we know we can't go the old-fashioned route and we have to wait 5 years. Then we can look forward to another birthday, a very, very special birthday.

As for my 28th birthday next year....it's going to be one hell of a party!

helmet anyone?

Fooled you with the last post, thought I would be so tired and worn out that I would just melt into my pillow and fall fast asleep.......how wrong I was. Maybe it's the episodes of Veronica Mars that I watch ad nauseam on-demand and I am being angsty about my younger hell-raising days. At least it isn't the fear that I feel work it's way up from my toes...no tonight is different. What I am feeling is anxiety. Nightly I experience this, but it isn't usually this bad. Minds are crazy, I had such a great day, of course mine would have to fuck with me when I try to get some much needed rest. Every night I try to figure out where it comes from, hell most of the days I spend in bed anyway, what is so different at night?

You know what is different?

It is just me. It is quiet. It is dark. It is unknown. And it means that when I wake up in the morning it is a new day. "New day" usually is tied to something positive, but apparently I have warped it into something terrifying. Tomorrow means I could feel worse. Tomorrow could be a bad day. Tomorrow I could be depressed like I was a few days ago, I could be sick, I could be in pain, it could just be worse......I don't want it to be worse. Thus........anxiety.

Anxiety and panic feel about the same to me. I know I am a bit of a worrier and after my stint in the hospital it has increased some. I have a new rash on my leg, my stomach and part of my arm. I don't have a fever and I have to pee every 5 minutes. I pee when I am nervous, or when it is the most inconvenient. When I am about to leave on a trip somewhere I pee at least 5 times, when I am tired and trying to sleep...I have to pee. So in reality the rash is probably from the new hotflashes, the pee is because I am anxious and both have a harmonious relationship with keeping me up at night.

So what do I do? Meds don't really work, so I ride it out. I try to sleep, I watch TV, I read, I blog and wait until my body just can't find me anymore and my brain runs out of steam and shuts down............then I sleep until noon which just increases the likelihood of me not going to bed again until late...viscous cycle.

My oncologist suggested that I join a support group.....I disagree wholeheartedly. I am a huge fan of groups, I run them as a professional and for many people they are what carries them through hardships. I know myself well enough to know that I won't have a benefit, I am a one-on-one type of person...if it is talking, I want it face to face. And as we have all found out I am a lay-it-all-out on the internet type of gal. I say fuck a lot and write about having to pee...apparently this is me, dealing with it. I don't think that "it" is cancer...."it" is everything that comes with having cancer.

So I find myself sitting on the bathroom floor crying. Debating in my head whether or not I should get the computer, plug it in and if I can keep my crying to a minimum to let Scott sleep. I pee a few more times, then get the laptop out. I scratch my head, which is raw now...I still have mini-hairs hanging on but large scabs of sensitive scalp.........some of which are now bleeding.

Well I can check blogging off my list of things I do when I can't sleep.

Life is tough, guess I should look into buying a helmet.

'S' on my chest, let me get my cape

After feeling like a hot steaming pile a few days ago, yesterday afternoon and today were a pleasant surprise. Today I felt semi-okay so Scott and I went to the aquarium, had lunch and went to a movie. A real movie, in a theater, with people and all their germs! And to top the day off I danced my already super tired and achy ass off in the shower--splendid.

I am tired.........so tired........mixed with chemo brain I can't really put sentences together so here are some pictures:


Hiley, Me, Jessica



On our way!










looks like ovaries!!!




?



I found myself some new hair



3D movie to top off the day

thanks for the hot flashes chemo

Today was rough.......a bad day. I am almost two weeks out from chemo but you couldn't tell my body that...it seems to be holding fast to feeling like shit. Nausea hasn't been that bad......but my stomach looks like I could give birth any day now, I have mucositis, which according to wikipedia:

is the painful inflammation and ulceration of the mucous membranes lining the digestive tract, usually as an adverse effect of chemotherapy and radiotherapy treatment for cancer.[1] Mucositis can occur anywhere along the gastrointestinal (GI) tract, but oral mucositis refers to the particular inflammation and ulceration that occurs in the mouth. Oral mucositis is a common and often debilitating complication of cancer treatment.[2]

So lucky me, only 5-15% of "cancer patients" gets mucositis, and my oncologist calls me the "poster child" for it. "Anywhere along the gastrointestinal tract", yep I have that too..........and as you can imagine it isn't pleasant. She also told me that I look beautiful bald.....how many people do you think she has told that to?! A bad one liner....

So my bad chemo days now extend to many more days of mucositis. So we will treat the symptoms and add another medication next time prior to chemo hoping that it will lessen the mucositis.

Today was a bad one..........I was hoping when I woke up I would feel better, that not being the case--makes it difficult to put on a happy face. So I stay in bed.............which may sound nice, but after two weeks your body hurts, you feel lazy, unmotivated--like I should be doing something, able to do something....but I can't so that remains the problem. Pain medication helps...takes the edge off of both feeling lazy and the pain, but I remain frustrated.

Lucy pooped all over in her kennel last night. Scott had a race this morning and I wasn't able to go. So he came home and Lucy had did a number on her kennel......so after getting up at like 5 am and running a race he had to come home, literally clean up shit, then do house stuff, then get ready and go to work..........I barely made it out of bed to get water........what a bitch.

So my day consisted of laying in bed and feeling sorry for myself.....a big "poor me" cry over spilled milk type of day. Then I got the mail, there was a care package, a wonderful card and DVD, and a birthday present from my aunt. Life doesn't get better than cards and care packages. I have gotten so many and they are all wonderful. But when the delivery falls on a day like today they are gifts of happiness and laughter. It gets pretty lonely being sick all the time--pity party table for 1. Thank you Tiffany, Madonna and Aunt Betty......tonight you made all the difference.

powering through is circumstantial

I will be turning 27 in less than a week. Someone had posted my blog to their facebook and said something to the effect of "you should be worrying about turning 30, not worrying if you are going to see 30" which puts the totality of breast cancer in perspective. I am aware that I will be a survivor for life--there isn't a lucky 5 year mark, or an "all clear" celebration--cells can continue to mutate and breast cancer can sneak into other parts of the body. I already had the scare where they thought it was in my femur, which would have put me at Stage 4 instead of 3...scary stuff. But it is a reality and all I can do is be proactive and vigilant--the rest is out of my hands. I refuse to live scared, not now and not in the future. I have never been one to back down from a fight, and cancer is no exception.

So with my 27th birthday approaching I am aware of my own mortality--I have never thought of birthdays as "one year closer to death" though this cynical approach has encroached more lately than ever before. My birthday is one more year that I have lived, that I have been loved and that I was able to grow as a human being. Scott and I have accomplished a lot this past year even though lately it has been tough to remain positive because I have been so sick. It is hard to see the other side when you are forced to look fear in the face and make a choice. I chose to say "fuck you cancer" and power through--dragging Scott and you all along for the ride.

Powering through is circumstantial. I have had break downs where I wanted to hit the nice nurse because she had to take my height again for the 5th day in a row, a panic attack when my conscious sedation didn't work when I was getting my port inserted, not receiving care following my bilateral mastectomy until 45 minutes after I was brought to a room alone, where I was stubborn and refused to go to the ER because I didn't want to face a blood clot, where all I can do is scream and yell and cry because there just aren't words to express my frustration, I've stumbled into walls from exhaustion and meds, I've sat in bed and cried for hours because it just feels necessary, I've smashed watermelons and drank wine, I've withheld feelings and pain, I am terrified of hospitals and had to make one my home for 5 days. I power through nightmares, cold sweats, loneliness, lab tests, nurses who forget their manners, that bitch at the Fred Meyer customer service, walking to the mail box bald in my neighborhood for the first time, being weak and unable to get out of bed and fists full of pills to help minimize side effects of chemo.

So as I near my 27th birthday I fight fire with fire. I will go and get pumped full of chemo--let it ravage my body, dehydrate me, knock out my white cells, leave me as a lump on the bathroom floor, a pill popper, bed ridden, voiceless, hospitalized, bald, sore and in pain. I will embrace the rhythm of chemo and the cycles--I will continue to mentally remain healthy though physically my body is deteriorating. All this so that on my 28th birthday, I will have earned the title 'survivor.'

Each day is one more day closer to the end of my chemo and the beginning of overall health. It is hard to feel healthy when I am receiving chemo so I have framed it internally as something I have to go through prior to changing other things in my life. It is a detox of sorts.....getting rid of the cancer cells. (Yes I know it is killing good cells as well--but mentally I am working on positivity....however it is still a work in progress)

I am getting a chance to really focus on what I want my life to be, and how I want things to change once I finish with chemo and have my strength back. It is fascinating to think of how much I have changed already, having been diagnosed only a few short months ago. I am looking forward to taking care of myself better and adapting a healthier and more fit lifestyle. (Scott is super excited--for those of you who don't know he has turned into a crazy runner type and would love for my fat ass to join him).

Scott and I were trying to get pregnant when all of this started. My tumors were HER2positive which means when I finish my 6 cycles of chemo I will continue to have Herceptin (given in an IV) every 3 weeks for 6 more months (so a total of one year) and because my tumors were estrogen positive I will take a pill to block estrogen for a total of 5 years. Then after the 5 years we can revisit having a baby. We had embryos frozen because it's a crap-shoot on what chemo does to the ovaries of a 26 year old. As a result Scott and I were handed another 5 years together before having children. The decision was taken out of our hands in regards to starting a family, so we are forced to make other plans. At first I was very upset, but have adapted--5 years gives us more time to strengthen who we are both individually and as a couple. We both have changed so much since my diagnosis and really have re prioritized our time and our relationship.

When I feel like this is all too much, Scott is there to catch me before I fall............literally.

So there you have it. My plan. I will write all about chemo and cancer and recovery and surviving and then when treatment is finished I will write about getting back to a normal lifestyle, incorporating activities I couldn't do before, transforming physically from the bloated/depleted me of now to someone healthy and proud of their body, write about getting healthy and what that looks like, write about having embryos frozen/hormone treatments and having a high-risk pregnancy as a result, write about and train people to be Cancer Doulas, write for magazines, write on my blog, write, write and write some more. Cancer has brought me back to writing, something I have always been passionate about but never seemed to have the time to sit down and write.......hell, that is really all I have now. I spend a lot of time in bed, and my lap top is right there next to me just in case I have the energy to throw something together.

The best part? Knowing that when I do write, when I reach out and express something so raw, personal, and gritty that there are people crying just as hard when they read it as I am when I write it....

"You walk through the darkness with us, not because you are ill and have to, but because you choose to. We were drafted, but you enlisted. We recognize and appreciate the difference more than words can ever say." -V. Girard