Tuesday, September 21, 2010

helmet anyone?

Fooled you with the last post, thought I would be so tired and worn out that I would just melt into my pillow and fall fast asleep.......how wrong I was. Maybe it's the episodes of Veronica Mars that I watch ad nauseam on-demand and I am being angsty about my younger hell-raising days. At least it isn't the fear that I feel work it's way up from my toes...no tonight is different. What I am feeling is anxiety. Nightly I experience this, but it isn't usually this bad. Minds are crazy, I had such a great day, of course mine would have to fuck with me when I try to get some much needed rest. Every night I try to figure out where it comes from, hell most of the days I spend in bed anyway, what is so different at night?

You know what is different?

It is just me. It is quiet. It is dark. It is unknown. And it means that when I wake up in the morning it is a new day. "New day" usually is tied to something positive, but apparently I have warped it into something terrifying. Tomorrow means I could feel worse. Tomorrow could be a bad day. Tomorrow I could be depressed like I was a few days ago, I could be sick, I could be in pain, it could just be worse......I don't want it to be worse. Thus........anxiety.

Anxiety and panic feel about the same to me. I know I am a bit of a worrier and after my stint in the hospital it has increased some. I have a new rash on my leg, my stomach and part of my arm. I don't have a fever and I have to pee every 5 minutes. I pee when I am nervous, or when it is the most inconvenient. When I am about to leave on a trip somewhere I pee at least 5 times, when I am tired and trying to sleep...I have to pee. So in reality the rash is probably from the new hotflashes, the pee is because I am anxious and both have a harmonious relationship with keeping me up at night.

So what do I do? Meds don't really work, so I ride it out. I try to sleep, I watch TV, I read, I blog and wait until my body just can't find me anymore and my brain runs out of steam and shuts down............then I sleep until noon which just increases the likelihood of me not going to bed again until late...viscous cycle.

My oncologist suggested that I join a support group.....I disagree wholeheartedly. I am a huge fan of groups, I run them as a professional and for many people they are what carries them through hardships. I know myself well enough to know that I won't have a benefit, I am a one-on-one type of person...if it is talking, I want it face to face. And as we have all found out I am a lay-it-all-out on the internet type of gal. I say fuck a lot and write about having to pee...apparently this is me, dealing with it. I don't think that "it" is cancer...."it" is everything that comes with having cancer.

So I find myself sitting on the bathroom floor crying. Debating in my head whether or not I should get the computer, plug it in and if I can keep my crying to a minimum to let Scott sleep. I pee a few more times, then get the laptop out. I scratch my head, which is raw now...I still have mini-hairs hanging on but large scabs of sensitive scalp.........some of which are now bleeding.

Well I can check blogging off my list of things I do when I can't sleep.

Life is tough, guess I should look into buying a helmet.


  1. Isaiah 55 ~ Love you, Dori!


  2. Wow!! I feel your pain only because I have been there and am there again. Keep the fight. Wish you all the best.
    Jennifer Hughes

  3. I pee and say fuck a lot too.... sometimes i say fuck because I have to pee... I think if I had an indian name it would be something like "Lindsay Little Bladder"... I also say fuck when the murph has to pee... he keeps me from sleeping. He woke at 2am and 6am for a jaunt around the yard, or a pee on the porch if it's raining... Normally I'd yell at him for that but I can't blame him. If i had to pee outside I wouldn't want to do it in the rain either! If he had an indian name it would be something like "licks a lot" or "he who steals the undies", not about his bladder, or "the murph who fears rain"...anyways, just checking in, thinking about you... to borrow a line from the book I'm reading... "Hold Fast". A fishing term used by men out at sea when waters get rough, "hold fast to life ... to everything that you have".
    lindsay and murphy