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Sunday, September 5, 2010

I didn't break


I didn't break. I thought I would after my hair was gone....I was waiting for the other shoe to drop.....................it hasn't yet. I have had a fit full of tears today but it was because I was sick, not because I don't have hair. I feel like shit today, lay in bed-no urge to make food sick. I must have put my body through too much the last few days, I was just so excited that I was feeling good after being in the hospital---I should have pulled the reins back a bit, I am surely paying for it now.

But I didn't break.

I have chemo on Tuesday. I am angry because I spent the day in bed and was supposed to feel good. These are my "good" days, the ones right before chemo. Today was not a "good" day. I know I will spend at least the next week in bed after chemo, I literally lose a week of my life (my memory is blurry and I don't know what day it is). I guess losing one week out of every 4 in life beats losing my life....sometimes it doesn't feel that way.

But I didn't break.

I am fucking bald and have stage 3 cancer. I cry randomly and sometimes I give myself permission to hate the world (not for very long, but I do). I lay in bed some nights and shake uncontrollably and muffle my cries so my husband and get a full nights rest--afterall he has to take care of me in the morning...

But I didn't break.

I lost my breasts, my body-type, my ability to fight infection, and my god-damn hair. I walk by a mirror and barely recognize the reflection. My dogs barked uncontrollably today when I finally emerged from the bedroom...they didn't recognize me.

But I didn't.....

And haven't been broken and I won't be........because I have the hands of many holding me together.

And chocolate.

5 comments:

  1. You can do this! You will not be broken! You are not alone. You have many people praying for you. Take it one day at a time. I just made some homemade chocolate chip cookies; wish I could send you some. Cookies make everything better. :-)

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  2. You are unbreakable! -and you know what? you have every right and permission to hate the world once in a while... and cry and all that. Strong people do that too...
    I'm eating some chocolate for you right now... Here's to you!!

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  3. I just ate ice cream for breakfast on your behalf. :)

    YOU ARE STRONG!!!! YOU ARE LOVED!!!!

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  4. As far as I can remember your dogs bark uncontrolably pretty freaking frequently! Let me know when is a good time to come over for us to take a shaved head pic together!

    Dad

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  5. Just found your blog. Stay positive girl...it's what will get you through it all! I was diagnosed in January, and just now have a nice covering of hair back on my head!! I am also HER2 positive...just another bummp in the road

    Take care

    Teresa

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