Sunday, September 5, 2010

I didn't break

I didn't break. I thought I would after my hair was gone....I was waiting for the other shoe to hasn't yet. I have had a fit full of tears today but it was because I was sick, not because I don't have hair. I feel like shit today, lay in bed-no urge to make food sick. I must have put my body through too much the last few days, I was just so excited that I was feeling good after being in the hospital---I should have pulled the reins back a bit, I am surely paying for it now.

But I didn't break.

I have chemo on Tuesday. I am angry because I spent the day in bed and was supposed to feel good. These are my "good" days, the ones right before chemo. Today was not a "good" day. I know I will spend at least the next week in bed after chemo, I literally lose a week of my life (my memory is blurry and I don't know what day it is). I guess losing one week out of every 4 in life beats losing my life....sometimes it doesn't feel that way.

But I didn't break.

I am fucking bald and have stage 3 cancer. I cry randomly and sometimes I give myself permission to hate the world (not for very long, but I do). I lay in bed some nights and shake uncontrollably and muffle my cries so my husband and get a full nights rest--afterall he has to take care of me in the morning...

But I didn't break.

I lost my breasts, my body-type, my ability to fight infection, and my god-damn hair. I walk by a mirror and barely recognize the reflection. My dogs barked uncontrollably today when I finally emerged from the bedroom...they didn't recognize me.

But I didn't.....

And haven't been broken and I won't be........because I have the hands of many holding me together.

And chocolate.


  1. You can do this! You will not be broken! You are not alone. You have many people praying for you. Take it one day at a time. I just made some homemade chocolate chip cookies; wish I could send you some. Cookies make everything better. :-)

  2. You are unbreakable! -and you know what? you have every right and permission to hate the world once in a while... and cry and all that. Strong people do that too...
    I'm eating some chocolate for you right now... Here's to you!!

  3. I just ate ice cream for breakfast on your behalf. :)


  4. As far as I can remember your dogs bark uncontrolably pretty freaking frequently! Let me know when is a good time to come over for us to take a shaved head pic together!


  5. Just found your blog. Stay positive's what will get you through it all! I was diagnosed in January, and just now have a nice covering of hair back on my head!! I am also HER2 positive...just another bummp in the road

    Take care