Monday, September 13, 2010
you don't always get what you want
I am sick of being sick. I am short tempered and feel wounded--my body is achy, my tongue raw, my stomach hurts and I have diarrhea. Today and tomorrow are Scott's days off--inevitably he ends up taking care of me. He is stressed, I can tell. He knows that my mouth is much worse than last time and he is worried. I am in pain and worried. As a result we bicker. My emotions are all out of whack, I cry, then get resentful because he doesn't have to be in bed. Then he feels guilty for not being sick. I have a hard time making sentences or my point (chemo brain) so I get frustrated when I don't get the results I want. I cry because I don't know what else to do. Even with pain meds, my THC pill, and magic mouthwash I am getting little relief. I see oncology tomorrow afternoon so hopefully we can figure something out.
I am at the point where I want to disconnect. I am frayed and impatient. I am so sick of being sick--knowing it will get worse before it gets better. Frustrated just begins to describe it, I want to kick and scream. I want to feel better. But I know that feeling better is months away. I have been pretty sick all day, my bleeding tongue is just the tip of the iceberg. As I sit in bed typing I weigh the pros and cons in my head of going to the ER tonight. I am not in any serious danger but I know I am dehydrated and my stomach pain is unbelievable--I have no idea where my counts are and going to the ER may cause more harm that good (lots of germs and exposure to illness). I am hoping I can hold out until tomorrow at 1:00pm when I meet with oncology--they can assess me there, give me fluids and check my counts and then determine the next course of action.
I want a cocoon made of silk, equipped with down pillows, pain meds, white wine, jelly bellies, netflix on demand and chocolate. I want to remain there until this battle is over, I want my illness on the back burner and for comfort to be the lead. 'Comfort' and 'cancer' don't mix--like my sister Kerri and tequila, no matter how you try they won't go together.
I feel helpless, lifeless, and angry. I want out of bed. I want my head to not hurt so much, I want a sealant for my open sores that make them disappear, to calm them. I don't want cancer and I sure as hell don't want chemo........
You don't always get what you want.
I just hope that I get what I need.