Monday, September 13, 2010

you don't always get what you want

I am sick of being sick. I am short tempered and feel wounded--my body is achy, my tongue raw, my stomach hurts and I have diarrhea. Today and tomorrow are Scott's days off--inevitably he ends up taking care of me. He is stressed, I can tell. He knows that my mouth is much worse than last time and he is worried. I am in pain and worried. As a result we bicker. My emotions are all out of whack, I cry, then get resentful because he doesn't have to be in bed. Then he feels guilty for not being sick. I have a hard time making sentences or my point (chemo brain) so I get frustrated when I don't get the results I want. I cry because I don't know what else to do. Even with pain meds, my THC pill, and magic mouthwash I am getting little relief. I see oncology tomorrow afternoon so hopefully we can figure something out.

I am at the point where I want to disconnect. I am frayed and impatient. I am so sick of being sick--knowing it will get worse before it gets better. Frustrated just begins to describe it, I want to kick and scream. I want to feel better. But I know that feeling better is months away. I have been pretty sick all day, my bleeding tongue is just the tip of the iceberg. As I sit in bed typing I weigh the pros and cons in my head of going to the ER tonight. I am not in any serious danger but I know I am dehydrated and my stomach pain is unbelievable--I have no idea where my counts are and going to the ER may cause more harm that good (lots of germs and exposure to illness). I am hoping I can hold out until tomorrow at 1:00pm when I meet with oncology--they can assess me there, give me fluids and check my counts and then determine the next course of action.

I want a cocoon made of silk, equipped with down pillows, pain meds, white wine, jelly bellies, netflix on demand and chocolate. I want to remain there until this battle is over, I want my illness on the back burner and for comfort to be the lead. 'Comfort' and 'cancer' don't mix--like my sister Kerri and tequila, no matter how you try they won't go together.

I feel helpless, lifeless, and angry. I want out of bed. I want my head to not hurt so much, I want a sealant for my open sores that make them disappear, to calm them. I don't want cancer and I sure as hell don't want chemo........

You don't always get what you want.

I just hope that I get what I need.


  1. I want for you what you want. You WILL get what you need. Hugs, Sharon

  2. Reading this blog reminds me of my mom. She used to always say "I'm sick of being sick". But everytime she heard the song "I get knocked down" by Chumbawamba she got a bit of inspiration to keep fighting. Funny thing is that song is about drinking, but it worked for her. Dori, I know that you are a fighter and you will be "up again." Lots of love, Jamie

  3. You are very right about me and the tequila...and comfort and cancer not mixing so well either. But what did we expect? this to be easy? (that was blown out of the water the day of your diagnosis I think! ha!).

    Love you tons and tons and will talk to you soon (we'll be praying hard for you in Montana, let me know if you want anything specific :)