Thursday, September 2, 2010
Tonight I don't have cancer..............shhhhh don't tell my oncologist! My counts have been up since I left the hospital and I am feeling alright, I still feel like I have a cold and a sore throat, but no fever and my white blood cell count today was 6.7 (couldn't ask for a better number). On the downside my house is beginning to be a forensics's best friend--DNA all over the place. Translation..........my hair is falling out all over the place! Though there hasn't been a large chunk yet, my already fine hair is becoming pretty thin. So tonight I am going out, my last night out with hair! Don't fret....I will have my "first night out with wig" to come!
I was having trouble sleeping and went through my facebook photos---wow they go back. All I was focusing on was my hair and breasts.........cancer picks away at insecurities--which at this point have changed more than I have. I can't believe I used to worry about a bad fucking hair day--or if I gained a few pounds. My hair is falling out, I lost my breasts, my belly is swollen and bloated and I have bags under my eyes that are big enough to sell as an overnight bag. As women, as girls we are placed in a society that puts more demands on us than we can carry alone. But not to worry......wait, you should worry! Because it isn't that women help each other carry the burden--no, no, we are much worse than that. We pick on each other, turning friend to foe. Wow, what a world.
But that isn't my world anymore. Not that I would wish cancer on anyone, ever. BUT what if we had to go through a period of time where things were just different, where you were forced to appreciate the ability you have inside and that body parts are just that---parts. Parts can be changed--when a part in your car isn't' working you get it replaced=new boobs, new cells, (insert your own changed parts here). The internal change I have had since being diagnosed is something I wish I would have experienced 10 years ago.....
I have my next round of chemo on Tuesday. Two of the three drugs I get during chemo compound on each other, meaning they are more effective each time, building on the last dose. Great in theory, but that means I feel shittier and shittier after each chemo. As a result I celebrate the fact that today I even feel up to curling what's remaining of my hair! Small victories people, it is my new thing....you should try it.
So tonight I am going to lint roll the dog hair off my the ass of my black pants, and lint roll my own hair off the back of my shirt and celebrate feeling well enough to..............well, celebrate to begin with.