errands and chest pains...all in a days work

here is a picture of all my meds.........welcome to my world.

Last night was a blast! It felt good to be me again, not me with a diagnosis, not me being treated, but me with my sister banging her hands on the table and shouting "CHEMO, CHEMO" wanting us to put a request up so that I would have to sit on a piano and have a clever song made up.............not sure chemo and losing your hair is a celebration Chopstix would be used to. I feel that my sense of humor and that my humor is tied to the bonds I have with friendship and family is what saves me daily and throughout my diagnosis and treatment thus far.... I wallow and have pity parties--but you all aren't always invited. But when you can throw out a cancer joke and everyone around you laughs (and doesn't feel awkward or look at you funny) you know you are in the right place.

I went for my pre-chemo appointment today and everything went well. Watch out world--I am going to be on even more drugs. THC......yep, you read that right. For those of you who don't know, that is the lovely ingredient in marijuana. So instead of smoking it I get to take little round capsules of straight, liquid THC that I keep in my fridge--no tin box here folks, just right next to the string cheese. This should help with the nausea and also the massive amount of dehydrating diarrhea (you get it all with chemo folks, I go through it=you have to read about it) with a little euphoria to boot. I have been instructed to try it out before chemo, so they can tell the difference between me being high and me having a reaction to medication.........I will keep you posted when I do that experiment on Sunday or Monday.

From my appointment I went to the pharmacy to get my meds filled. They weren't going to be able to fill them, so they sent me to the hospital pharmacy, they too weren't going to be able to fill them. GRRRRRR So I went to another hospital pharmacy where they were able to fill them. When explaining the meds to me the woman kept saying "the patient" or "Dori"....I said "I am Dori, I AM the patient" and she looked at me, looked down at the meds she was holding, obvious cancer patient meds.....looked back at me and said "oh dear.....do you want me to go over those again?" "Nope, I am fine, I just have cancer......" (she didn't laugh, probably wouldn't be an attendee for "my first wig night out")

I went to Fred Meyer to cash a check I had received from a cancer fund to help purchase groceries. I had to go to the customer service department and then they were to give me a gift card in said amount. I thought it would be a piece of cake. I handed the check and instructions to the woman and she groaned...."well hell I don't know how to do this, fuck" she consulted another woman behind the counter, then continued to tap her nails like I was really taking sweet time out of her day. She read "patient cancer fund" and did a roll your eye/groan thing that was obviously contempt, and continued to be very obvious that she was upset she had to do this and didn't know how (by the way, NO she didn't ask me how my day was, or be nice to me in any way, shape, or form--no "customer service" at this customer service counter). She had me leave the counter and go get a gift card (the one she had wasn't working) and when I stepped out of line the lady behind me moved up and asked if I was done "psh, I wish, but it will be awhile for this one" was her response. I came back and she was able to finally do whatever it was that was so hard (not like she was climbing Everest here people) and THREW the gift card to me. When I stepped away she motioned for the next person and said "bout time I am done with that one."

let me give you a second to have that set in...

YEP. I kept my mouth shut and was biting my tongue so hard it began to bleed to keep myself from crying, and saying something like "so sorry my cancer and lack of funds made your day (by the way you are getting paid, and I am pretty sure this is your job) more difficult. Here let me take that back....I am sure I can live without food, I mean chemo makes you have less of an appetite anyway........."

So by the end of my errands I was crushed and defeated. The high I had left over from last night (no, no, not the THC pills) had faded and I was broken. The rudeness that from the pharmacy lady to this bitch at Fred Meyer, I was done.

So I managed to get everything done and come home. Only to begin to have chest pains.........I know, are you fucking kidding me here?! I took an ativan thinking it would do the trick...waited an hour--no change. I called my oncologist (who I just saw this morning) and updated them.....they are a bit concerned that there was no change with meds, that means it probably isn't stress induced. So now I wait until it either #1 gets better (everyone cheers) or #2 gets worse (cheer and I will punch you). So we are hoping that it isn't the beginning of a mild heart attack or swelling of the heart--both that begin with "annoying" chest pain and then gradually get worse. I am supposed to call the on-call doc if things change..........it really puts a cramp in my drinking a bottle of wine and watching DVR'd TV shows for my Friday night, nothing to say about it except, cancer fucking sucks. And even worse than the cancer is the unknown (they don't know what is wrong, and they don't want to jump the gun and send me to the ER too soon, just for me to go back later and they don't want to freak me out in case it is anxiety based).

So life short changes people. Everyone gets their turn. Looks like it is my time to break open the piggy bank.