Monday, September 27, 2010
we meet again chemo eve.........3rd times a charm
Scott and I on our way to our 3rd chemo eve day date
Tomorrow is my 3rd round of chemo. I am already prepared that tonight won't get the luxury that is sleep...I get weary, I am tired, my feet are tingly, I am not afraid of chemo......but tonight I no I will get no rest. This seems to be the habit......but maybe 3rd times a charm....
I had acupuncture today, fantastic! For those of you who know me you know that I am an advocate of holistic care...as a professional and on a personal level. I really like my acupuncturist, and she is an oncology nurse on top of everything holistic. A little massage, acupuncture, aromatherapy and reiki---a great way to start the day. The blood draw following didn't even damper my spirits, neither did the fact that my appointment began at 8AM---which is early when sleep hasn't been your friend lately. It probably helps that I did get some sleep last night--more than 6 hours.......which is more sleep than I have had in the past week or so.
Scott is going to chemo with me solo tomorrow. It will be nice just the two of us--a twisted version of date, two meals and everything. I am sure he will be fine, he does like the food after all...And considering I sleep a majority of the time he will have 100% control of the TV, the internet and no naggy wife...
When I met Scott I was about half my size, had by old breasts pushed together, in the midst of college partying and needed to be leveled out a bit....it was perfect, he was perfect. Then I got sick, (a habit I had a majority of my life), a few years later they finally put together that my gall bladder was full of stones.......FULL. So I had it removed. After surgery I felt better, I didn't feel guilty that he married someone broken. I was fixed, I felt better---here we go! It didn't really work out that well. I began to get tired again, I was having gastrointestinal issues like before, and it would come out of no where. I sought treatment with holistic therapies and felt better.........then a few years later...........cancer. Broken again. When we first met we were the cute happy couple. My friends loved him and his friends didn't want to strangle me and my loud opinions so I will take that as a plus.
Now I wonder how many people feel sorry for him. Scott, the sweet amazing guy who gets stuck with a broken wife---a wife that now has cancer. It isn't fair, no one deserves this. It is scary. Despite the feelings they have for us, it is fair and understanding that people give us the head tilt of feeling sorry for you, people are thanking whatever deity they worship that it isn't them, let's be honest--I know I would. I would be there to do whatever was necessary, but I would be thankful that my lady parts hadn't turned against me, hadn't tried to kill me, I was still one piece--me. This is something I wouldn't wish on anyone, especially the person I am spending my life with. Someone who has to help me walk now because my feet are numb, helps me remember appointments because I can't now, holds my hand when I cry, opens gatorade and the occasional bottle of wine because I can't feel my fingers, has to live with the fact that I have a ticking time bomb inside....days are numbered--I just wish we knew how many were left.
On my 3rd chemo eve I am glad I felt well enough to do dinner and a movie with Scott. We went during the day and on a Monday so there wasn't a lot of people--5 others actually, not a big crowd on Monday afternoons. I was normal for a little while, even though I had to keep putting on and taking off layers to help adjust to the hot flashes. Let's talk about hot flashes for a second. Those of you under the age of menopause will have no idea what I am talking about. There aren't really words because you have no control over it at all.......you feel it coming on but that is about it. You brace for it, ride the wave, and then do it again--glad I can look forward to this again later in life.......chemo or hormones, either way the hot flashes are miserable. Getting sweaty during the summer has nothing on hot flashes. I just sit there, it gets harder to breathe, and sweat pours from the top of my head. It is like water being dumped, the sweat comes down and all over my face, I peel off whatever layers I have on, take off my hat and sit in front of the fan. In bed I throw off the covers and drink water...I lay on my sweat soaked side of the bed and wait. Then I freeze when it subsides, I layer back up and wipe off the sweat. I then wait for the next one, and the next, and the next.......it beats the hell out of cancer though.
Here's hoping that 3rd times a charm. And if it's not, at least it's the half way point.
My new meds for mouth sores...........mix the two colors together, only 7 times a day...