you don't leave the people you love alone

It has been awhile, so I put together bits of blogs I wrote but didn't publish to catch you up on what the last month has been like:

rash on legs...........not awesome.

"If it isn't one thing, it is another. Insomnia, shingles, bitchiness, itchy red spots on my legs, intense bruising, a collar high boob, lack of communication, overbearing stress, relationship concerns, tears, booze, migraines, lack of focus, no motivation, feeling overwhelmed, blah, blah, blah.....

I need to get my head straight (and a boob lowered). After a pretty intense breakdown (two days worth of it a few weeks ago) I have decided that I need therapy........though I planted my feet in the sand against it (yes, I know I have a masters in psych and counseling--and yes, I know it is ironic). But here is why I have waited...I wanted to do it myself. I wanted to be able to work through the mush my head has become and come out on the other side, "fuck cancer, I can take care of myself" type of mentality. Not to mention that traditional therapy isn't my favorite, so I am going to search out a therapist that has experience with breast cancer patients (hopefully under the age of 50) and see how things go.

I have gotten progressively more depressed since my car accident. A snowball affect that finally took over. I have been so stressed my body can't fight the slightest irritation. I continue to have shingles on my right breast (I am on my 3rd outbreak) and had a rash on my legs that was so itchy I couldn't walk, I remained in bed trying not to itch. I cut my nails short and wore socks to bed to help prevent me waking up with blood streaming down my legs. I have been on two rounds of antibiotics, one round of steroids and gave up internally. For being a smart lady, and professionally trained to support others, I have found out that I don't know how to support myself.

Maybe "gave up" is too harsh....how about so overwhelmed that it hurts to breathe. How about being blasted with great ideas and not having the energy to do them. How about being in constant pain and having a boob at my collar bone that refuses to play nice? How about being depressed and thinking I could keep it to myself and as a result, it just got worse.  So I had a melt down, a BIG one....not a nervous breakdown or anything, but I sobbed uncontrollably for two days and was miserable. I have stopped wanting to go to the grocery store, social functions, or anything really..........the anxiety just builds and I find it easier to stay home. (luckily I love my job and can continue to do that no matter what state I am in, in fact...I find it keeps my mind of a lot of crap)

I have turned inward but with little return........I was thinking that I could just meditate and move past this, quick and easy. Wow, I was wrong. No one warns you what happens when treatment is over, when you don't get lab results weekly assuring you that your counts are good, that you feel crazy because every ache or pain is "cancer". I was so focused on "healing" I forgot to heal. I glazed over the pain and exposure I had and I stuffed it, I stuffed it so deep it made my ass bigger. There was no getting to it, I was going to move on and not look back. HA"



And my current update:
I am now making incredible progress...........I still have a rash on my legs and will probably need another round of something because it has begun to itch again, but I am not letting it put me back where I was. I am lucky enough to be benefiting from wonderful light therapy and a change in perspective. I am honoring myself on the days that are just too hard because of mental or physical pain, I am letting myself have those moments without letting it affect my perspective the following day. I am working on new routines to keep me focused on stuff other than the physical pain, eventually I hope it will include exercise, right now it is more like:

-wake up, try to not hate the fact that pain is already taking over my body
-move from bed to couch, drink diet coke (trying to quit............one thing at a time here people)
-check emails and work whatnots
-go from couch to office chair
-lay in bed for awhile to help avoid taking a pain killer
-smile at Scott so he knows I am trying
-watch some TV, read a book, talk to Lucy
-forget to eat lunch, eat a mid afternoon meal so I can take my supplements
-stomach ache from supplements
-lay in bed until stomach ache goes away
-decide bed feels nice, put Lucy on bed
-Call mom
-see Scott when he comes home from work
-fall asleep
....repeat

Progress, not perfection.

oh balls

the front of my Valentines Day card from Scott

the inside of my card...he did some editing

I haven't peed on any randomly found pregnancy tests, so I feel like I am making progress....  I did go on a vacation, my first vacation since I was diagnosed, and it was amazing. Me and my collar bone high boob flew to Vegas to stay with one of my best friends Tasia and her kiddos. The last time I flew out to see her was just a few short weeks before I found the lump in my breast. That was the last time I had been on a plane, now here I am 2 years later flying to Vegas to see her again. Our lives have changed so much in the time that stretches between my visits.

I spent a few days at her house and then took my suitcase full of wiener paraphernalia to a suite on the strip to set up for my sister Kristi's bachelorette party. My sisters and accompanying bachelorette party arrived Friday. My body sure isn't what it was, but I surprisingly held my own. I walked more than I have since my car accident and despite having to go to bed before the rest of them I felt great. We then rented a van and drove (for 5 hours) to the Grand Canyon for one night and I was able to see the sunrise the next morning at the Grand Canyon.  My sisters and I haven't always seen eye-to-eye (translation: I was a huge bitch and they tried to avoid my crazy wrath) but since we have been adults they are my best friends. The trip was an amazing opportunity to spend time with them.  It was good to know that I could survive a trip, even if my feet were swollen and resembled balloons when I got home, I caught a cold, and my shingles are back with a vengeance.

Life doesn't get easier. I have been waiting for things to "get better", to feel better, to get easier........bullshit. I don't feel like that is how things go. Life is one obstacle after another, you are continuously changing and growing and sometimes it slaps you in the face, I have my feet firmly planted in the mindset that you just have to slap back, actually I would go with a swift kick to the balls.  Prior to leaving for my trip I found out that a fellow doula and friend had been diagnosed with breast cancer. The "it's a small world" factor really isn't positive in this case. She is a fighter and I know will come out on the other side of the bullshit, but it still reminds me that life changes in a heartbeat.

Good morning at the Grand Canyon

I have gotten complacent. I stopped eating all the fresh veggies (not that my eating habits have gotten that bad) but I am not stuffing my face full of multicolored plates of fresh harvest anymore. I drink more than my fare share of wine, rather than avoiding alcohol as I did before AND I haven't been working out 30 minutes a day since my car accident. I then have nightmares that my cancer comes back. That because I ate chicken nuggets instead of a salad my lymph nodes are being attacked by cancer. That because I had a second, or third glass of wine my insides just give up and cancer takes over. I am rushed awake by these nightmares in a full body sweat and I just lay there looking at the ceiling. It takes me a few minutes to realize that I am okay and not a prisoner of my bed as I was during treatment.

I have done everything in my power to lessen the chance that my cancer will return. But a human being can only do so much, I can't stop my cells from turning on each other, wine or no wine. Life has a mysterious way of pushing you into a reality you weren't expecting, or prepared for....so you adapt. I am aware that my cancer may return, statistically it probably will at some point. But that doesn't stop me from kicking life swiftly in the balls.

A great picture of my VERY high right boob and normal left boob

so I peed on it



My double mastectomy breast cancer awareness snow boobs!!!

I was looking for something in the bathroom of death (we have discovered that we have black mold, fuzzy mold that looks like it should be growing on fruit, and water damage in our tiny master bath.....which is a whole story in itself because the last thing I need is to be breathing in mold spores) but I ventured in looking for a mirror to pluck the ungodly hairs that Tamoxifen has brought to my face and I found a pregnancy test...........................ouch.

I remember the days when I would pee on them and cross my fingers (and promise everything holy that I would be the best girl in the world or whatever I needed to do) that they would be negative. Oh come on, we have all been there....ladies?

I remember the days when I would pee on them and cross my fingers that it would be positive, we were ready, apparently our world wasn't.

I remember the day I found out why, I had cancer and my estrogen was all over the place, my body is not the best host for a human, not then, not now, not ever.

So I found this pregnancy test, and I peed on it. In case you are curious, it was negative.......considering I am on Tamoxifen and have an IUD I wasn't holding my breath. All the same, I peed on it.

My 2012 hasn't really been all that great. I went into this year with an internal gusto....a "I will kick its ass" attitude (and a bit of a hangover) and found myself somewhat of an emotional puddle of illness and internal frusteration. But I think that I am back on track now, thanks to some wonderful developments....that I will update you all on when I haven't been such a haphazard blogger--you can tell that I am not doing too well when I haven't blogged in over a month. I am working on it............I love doing it, but sometimes I just don't allow myself to do it as a punishment for not "being where I should be" or all I want to do is bitch so I feel like I shouldn't write ANOTHER blog about poor me bitching, but somtimes the bitching is funny, it is cathartic, so I will put it on my to-do list (maybe it will turn a switch on in my brain).

So we had a snow storm and an ice storm. Scott and I made our little snow family, lost some power, and found out that we have a mold problem in our master bathroom (see bathroom of death above).



my snow "Dori"

Our snow family

snow "Lucy"

The melting of the massive amount of snow and ice exaserbated the problem and it is now in quarantene until we are able to afford to fix it, or until I can even wrap my head around all of this.  It seems like there is just one thing after another with this house--I loved it when we bought it, it was in a great neighborhood (come to find out we have not the best neighbors) but it isn't just the bedroom that reminds e of being sick, it is the whole house. I have memories that are tied to each piece of furniture, to particular dishes in the kitchen, to our patio (where I shaved my head). I can remember collapsing on the stairs, the numerous nights crying in the bathroom staring at the green walls that I once loved..........emotions are sucked into everything here. Scott and I have saged it, I have meditated about it, but when I am already feeling a bit down, it tends to overpower me.

Oh, and I had shingles on my right boob. This bitch of a boob is really not cooperating. It has actually gotten higher than it was after my surgery, it is now almost touching my collar bone. I saw my primary doc and was given prescription for antibiotics, we weren't sure it was shingles because I don't have feeling everywhere on that breast so I couldn't feel the pain. But then I went to my plastic doc and it was confirmed..........I had shingles like you wouldn't believe. I still have a little bit of the pain under my boob and some dried bumps, but haven't been contagious for some time and hope that it doesn't come back.

Shingles............not awesome.

Alright 2012, let's work together on this. I am open to change....are you?

I waved my arms and flapped about



me, the person I was years ago....I had nipples then (they were awesome)

 I am doing more than struggling lately, I am drowning. I have slowly slipped back into the mentality of being an "ill" person. The car accident immobilized me and as a result I was back in the bed (granted there is a new set of bedding) but the helplessness feeling is the same. Not being able to do laundry, prepare meals, keep the house in order, work at a normal capacity is a bit much. But I was working on it, I knew that I had to let my body heal, damn those "soft tissue" injuries. 

Oh, and if you are curious, my right boob is still holding strong at my fucking collar bone, awesome.

So there I was, through both holiday's sitting with my 3 heating pads, smelling like menthol, but I could more or less be somewhat of a person.  Then a few days ago a door slammed me in the face, hard (not literally).  I have never been one to suffer from headaches, I mean nothing that would require anything other than a few Advil.  One of my sisters has struggled with headaches a majority of her life, horrible headaches, and she powers through life like a trooper--trying alternative therapies and medications, but continues her life.  I am currently in awe of how she does it, it has been three days and I am ready to throw in the towel.

At first I thought it was my newly placed IUD (yep, lady part reference--UTERUS (I bet I just lost a few readers....). I thought maybe it was because I was taking a different medication for pain so it was making me dizzy and I had to keep my head on a pillow--I have been there before. But then I stopped that medication over the weekend and starting on Monday I had blurry vision that would come and go, I felt like I wasn't able to make the connection between what I was thinking and what I was writing (or being slow in reactions), I didn't feel comfortable driving, I was sick to my stomach, they only thing that helped was being asleep, because I couldn't feel the pain. It was like a cloth was draped over my forehead and face and it wouldn't let go.

And here I am...........three days later feeling the same way, numerous medications, home remedies and a massage and I sit typing this in the dark on my keyboard that sits on my lap, facing away from the computer) luckily I am a pretty good typist so there is no concern to the knowing of the keys.....but I could really use a break here.  My massage therapist said that it was a result of the pain from my back and neck moving up into my head, she did her best, but I left feeling just a tiny bit better than when I went in, now I am back to not feeling able to drive and am almost ready to hide under my covers....going to sleep at 3:00pm is warranted and I feel doctor approved, but ridiculous.

I have a life to live, I have stuff I need to do, but I can't seem to power through. I know that part of it is because when I sink into being that "ill" person things very easily compound on each other and I fall apart, literally my body just begins failing me and mentally I am not strong enough to keep the composure. I am at a loss here, and I am more overwhelmed than I have been in a long time. There is literally nothing I can think of to do to change the situation and the more I stress over it the worse I feel.

I feel like I have become a burden to my loved ones,  these tremendous and amazing people, many of whom put their life on hold when I was diagnosed to meet my every need. I am worried that there is a breaking point, where you can only love someone through so much, then you need to begin to heal yourself. Being a caretaker is unbelievably hard, and as I continue to struggle with health issues I am worried I will lose parts of this support tapestry.  I know there are times that Scott must think of how easy it would be to be with someone who could run a marathon with him, someone who doesn't end up in the ER monthly, someone who isn't broken. I just want to be that person so bad. I sometimes suffer in silence rather than speak up because I think it is unfair to those around me.

Yesterday I got off the bed and my left leg was numb and I fell on the floor, I have been having some serious cramping and with ovarian cysts before similar things have happened, but when I start to add everything together I begin to worry that there is more to the picture. But I know I worry more than the average person, especially medically after my diagnosis. I don't want to be the girl that goes into the ER and they talk about after I leave, but when nothing works I begin to think the worst. Where the hell did they hide the "Easy" button for this shit?

lady-parts & 2012



this picture exemplifies how I want to feel in 2012

 Happy 2012!!!! I am a bit behind on my blogs, the holidays throw a wrench into my already lackadaisical approach to my blogging (which, by the way, is a new years resolution, BLOG more). I don't know why I avoid it, I always feel better after I hit 'publish'. 

For Christmas I was fortunate enough to get to go home to Okanogan with my sisters and spend time with my mom and see family.  It even snowed for about 20 minutes so I was happy.  I am so thankful that I have my sisters, they have been the best nurses and cheerleaders for the past three years, and chauffeurs as well.  My back is still all messed up, so I was unable to drive to Okanogan, thank goodness for family!

After Christmas we had to head back on the 27th for me to have an outpatient procedure at UW medical on the 28th.  If you follow my blog you know that my right ovary is two times as big as the left and it is full of cysts.....so we needed to do an endometerial biopsy to check that everything is okay.

  ***next paragraph discusses lower lady parts in detail***
Also I chose to have a ParaGaurd (copper, no hormones) IUD placed at the same time.  Because I am on the Tamoxifen, lets just say my lower lady-parts are more like the Sahara than the Pacific Northwest, so even having a pap was so painful I cried. As a result we decided that me being sedated for both the biopsy and IUD placement was a good idea.  I am recovering from those procedures pretty quick.  I am still having some bad cramps but overall not so bad--and the best part? The biopsy results came back NEGATIVE!!!! At least some of my lady-parts are working with me.

And then there was New Years..........2012.  Another year of moving away from cancer us behind me, it had its ups and downs, but when most of the chemo fog lifted I was really able to start to become the person I wanted to be, and really started to work on some stuff internally.  I am hoping for this trend of healing and opportunity to continue in 2012.

New Years Eve 2012 (I was wearing an apron because I was in character for the Murder Mystery Party)

I am bringing into 2012 a right boob that I can rest my chin on (so I may have a few more surgeries in 2012) but I feel like my family and myself are pros at this point, so I am not too worried. I am bringing a continually sore back and neck from my car accident (I still am working supported by heating pads and pillows in bed), a new care provider team at Seattle Cancer Care Alliance (both oncology and gynecology) and optimism coming out of the wazooo!

Here are my New Years Resolutions, some tangible and others I just want to put out into the universe:
1. remain cancer free
2. write the proposal for my book
3. continue to sort through the mental stuff
4. blog more often
5. begin my work out routine (once I get the okay from my providers after the accident)
6. start to attend more births, get back into the birth/education part of my life that I have been missing
7. get involved with Breast Cancer agencies and start to support women like I have been supported
8. do my best to show friends and family how much I love them and how much their support, actions, love and prayers make my heart sing
9. begin to paint and take classes
10. learn to love the new me, a little more everyday

champagne and sweatpants

****caution: pictures of post-surgery breasts on this blog post***

5:30am comes real early--morning of surgery

It has been one week since my surgery where I had my expanders taken out and my silicone implants put in. If you have followed my journey you know that I had horrible post-op experiences after my bilateral mastectomy. As a result my apprehension going into last weeks surgery was above average. I also have been in continual pain due to the car accident which really doesn't add anything great to the pot. After my mastectomy I had two recovery nurses who ignored me, were extremely rude, and after I escaped that hell hole I was wheeled into my room, but only to be left there alone for 45 minutes (the actual time escapes me due to anesthesia but it was at least a half an hour) with no nurse, no family, no pain meds. I was a 26 year old who just had her breasts chopped off, pull your shit together people!

lines pre-surgery with my plastic doc

But this time around, what. a. difference. I had great pre-op nurses and I had mom and Scott with me, which definitely helps with the anxiety. Though my anxiety quickly turns into bitchiness, so it was probably more of a benefit for them to have each other to talk to because I tend to go off the deep end quickly with the crazinessand it is usually best if I can just focus on music or meditation (I tend to yell less). I was wheeled off to surgery, with NO tears in my eyes this time, just a belly full of nerves.

Here we go! Off to surgery!

I had a wonderful recovery nurse who was right there when I woke up, answered my drug induced questions and was kind. Kindness goes along way, I think people forget that sometimes. She had a sparkly necklace on and we had one hell of a conversation (or at least I thought I was making sense) coming out of anesthesia is not my strong suit....and the many episodes of Nip/Tuck I have been watching didn't help. There was an episode where a surgeon puts neuticles (testicle implants) in a show dog. Whoever would have thought that would be what came to me in my post-anesthesia stupor....well it did. But instead of telling the storyline I said that my husband had neuticles "you know, fake balls" (as I make a cupping shape with my hand). Awesome. Not my best moment, and the worst part? I don't know 100% if I said it or not, I may have just been thinking about it.......drugs are crazy.

Kerri, Mom, Scott--my immediate post-op crew

So I got wheeled into my recovery room and my mom and Scott where there waiting, my sister Kerri arrived soon after and my other sister Kristi and her fiance Nick later on in the day. I started out in a lot of pain, but once I was able to keep down pills my pain evened out and I ate food, took a walk, and spent time with my family. I had been planning on staying the night, because I worry about everything and was sure that I would end up with a blood clot that would spread to a lung. But by around dinner time I was feeling pretty good and my bed at home was sounding better and better. The less time in the hospital the better, so many germs and your risk of infection goes up, so I decided to be discharged. They called my plastic doc and he gave the OK. So home I went........

Done!!!!

family...the best medicine

Oh, but can I just bitch about the hospital's pizza oven being broken?!? I was excited for like a week to have one of their pizzas after surgery when I was given the ok for solid food.........and it was fucking broken! They are the best pizzas and I sulked visibly for what was probably much too long for an adult.....

Me and Kerri--great recovery!



at the plastic surgeon to get my bandages off 2 days after surgery

 So here we are, a week later. I am having a lot of pain on my right breast for many reasons, #1 being that it is up so high in my chest and into my armpit it is putting pressure on my lymph nodes. With all of the scar tissue I have in my right breast left over from radiation the implant doesn't just "settle" in like my left did. My doc cut slits inside my right breast in the scar tissue hoping it will be enough so that the implant can slide down a bit, but there is only so much you can do in this situation. So I have a breast that is very high, like collar bone high, and very uncomfortable. We wait 4-6 weeks to see if it settles down, if not, another surgery. At least it is sweater season, my new girls wouldn't be so great in a tank top right now.


two days after surgery



at the plastic surgeon again, 6 days after surgery

Right Boob-6 days post-op (notice how high it is)

Left Boob 6 days post-op

twas the night before surgery

Well tomorrow is the big day. I check in for surgery at 6:00am, with a scheduled surgery time of 8:00am.  I will be getting my expanders and port cath taken out, a wierd chunk of fat/fluid that has built up around my left expander, and silicone implants put in. No, I don't know what size my new girls are going to be, but they will be round, and at this point that is my biggest concern. These square, pointy-ass, expanders have become SO uncomfortable. When I was chubbier it wasn't so bad, the fat cushioned the sharp corners, though I couldn't jog (even with the best of bras) and every once in awhile it felt like I was getting jabbed by an anorexic baby's elbow, but we live and learn.  I have learned that size doesn't matter, it is comfort.................just like the switchover from the ass rubbing thong underwear to the oh-so-heavenly granny panties that cradle your butt cheeks with yards of fabric.  So I did the research and found a study that interviewed women who had breast reconstruction and they chose silicone over saline--the women who chose silicone said their implants were comfortable...............done and done.

I am excited to get the port out--it is about to pop out of my skin and also is uncomfortable. I am just ready to put it all behind me. I understand I may have a few more surgeries in the future to tweak the implants (sometimes they don't turn out so great the first time) but for the most part I will be done.

I also found a lump. Another one. One that feels just like the one I felt over a year ago, on the same side. I know it is probably a cyst, if it is cancer it is some freakishly strong cancer that survived all my treatments...........................  My plastic surgeon is taking it out and it will be sent it pathology.  I am not trusting my intuition all that much, so I don't really know what to say about it. I felt it over a month ago, and told my plastic surgeon at my pre-op.  Time will tell, but the worry will remain.

So keep me in your thoughts tomorrow as I go under the knife.  I will keep my Twitter updated as best I can.  Your thoughts carry me through with grace. Thank you.