hurry up and wait

My surgeon may be one of the most gentle people on the planet, despite that he cuts and rips open body parts for a living, you would think he taught kindergarten. He is into mind/body connection and seems genuinely interested in how I am processing my diagnosis.

At the very least I am going to have a mastectomy. My right breast has tons of calcifications and two lumps which makes the cancer multifocal. I have stage 3 breast cancer and will have the lymph nodes in my arm pit removed (approximately 7-24 of them). I will be having some more tests to determine a few other aspects of my care. I am scheduled for an MRI--there was a spot in my left (the to-date healthy breast) that they would like to look at, and it will also give them a better look at my lymph nodes in my right arm pit. Also I will meet for genetic testing, because I am so young and have no family history of breast cancer. If this test comes back positive then I will have a bi-lateral mastectomy. I have my appointment on Friday to meet with my oncologist to discuss treatment. I will be 100% having chemo, so I get to know a bit more about that on Friday.

It is a hurry up and wait situation, so that is what I am doing.

From this meeting it seems like I and care staff are leaning towards a double mastectomy. Losing both breasts doesn't bother me as much as you might expect. But what makes me cry and gulp for fresh air is that I won't be able to breastfeed...this breaks me a part. If I am lucky enough to have my eggs saved (discussing that option on Friday too, removal of eggs so they aren't effected by chemo) and am able to get pregnant I won't be able to provide my baby with the amazing qualities and bonding time of breast milk. I know I could use the tubes and have them at my nipples (after breast reconstruction & nipple reconstruction) but I am pretty sure that fake nipples don't produce oxytocin......it just kills me.

I wish that I wasn't the type of person that planned for the future. I almost wish I was the type of person who thought losing her boobs was the end of her--that they were what made her a woman. I would get new ones, feel better, done and done. But I am not that woman. My breasts are great, but they are a far cry from who I am.

If I was that person I wouldn't be concerned about having a baby, breastfeeding or how I would explain to my children that they have a higher risk for this silent disease. I wouldn't be terrified of not being able to have money to pay bills because I have to have surgery, to have to learn to function without lymph nodes. I think that being mature and so concerned about stuff leaves me vulnerable......weird but true. One day at a time doesn't work when you are planning for a future.

Today my brain is tired, and my body is exhausted. I have a headache that is working its way to the core of my brain and the innards of my body. I also have about 30 phone calls and emails to respond to and I don't have the energy to tell my tale of woe..... When I tell others it makes me sad, it is a burden I feel I have handed them... catch 22 I guess.

I am not sure if I should continue to work through this time up before surgery (financially it is a necessity really) but mentally and physically I don't know. Today the doctor told me this was the time to do stuff for me, and I am lost because I don't know what that is right now. I really feel like curling up in bed---I feel safe there. It supports my body and feels like home, I know each pillow and my blankets keep me at just the right temperature...it is turning into my sanctuary. I know this will change when I am forced to stay in bed because I am too ill to get out. But now I am making the choice. I choose to lay down and just rest, I choose to curl up and shut myself down and off from the world. I didn't chose to have a lump, I didn't chose to have cancer, but I am damn well choosing to stay in bed if I want, even on a sunny day if it makes me feel safe.

Disclaimer: I am a therapist and aware that secluding yourself in a bed isn't always the best thing to do. And no, I am not isolating so get your head out of the gutter. I am using what self-soothing mechanisms I can dredge up from my exhausted body/mind and using them to the best of my ability.

My mind is cloudy and my ability to put my thoughts in order is lacking. I am sleepy, but can't sleep. I am anxious and can't relax. I am angry, but can't yell. I am hurt, but lack the ability to heal. I have breast cancer, but I am not my breast cancer.