Monday, November 1, 2010

don't be fancy, just be dancey

Kristi & I--Halloween
Fear makes people do terrible things.  Unfortunately for many people a diagnosis leads to fear, which leads to isolation, which leads to nothing good.  I have had my moments of locking myself in the bathroom, sitting on the floor and crying with the radio up really loud.  I have taken solace in the shower where I am completely alone and sometimes I break into a fit of tears while watching TV by myself.........even if it is Jersey Shore or a real housewife (sometimes I watch good TV.......but there is just so much bad TV).  When you are faced with something that can seem insurmountable your emotions are on the surface.  Sometimes I feel more like I have PMS than cancer---I can plow through a bag of candy and a box of kleenex in seconds.....either a world record or a fucking great You Tube video.... 

Being a therapist I am fascinated by emotions, feeling myself get to the brink of out of control is just as fascinating--only because I am lucky enough to have the support system that has created a rope that sits around my I am dangling off the cliff.........but won't drop. Thank you.

And I don't just have a support network here...............I have an extended support network in my hometown.  People from the "city" don't have that--I am convinced.  I am blown away by what Okanogan has done for me and my family........but Scott is shocked.  He grew up in Spokane and there just isn't the same type of "community" there.  From a spaghetti feed to a high school dance (and so much in between) they have jumped in with both feet and supported me.   There is no way to payback this amount of generosity and kindness---just to pay it forward.  And that is our plan--once I am healthy and the bills are gone......fundraising and being involved with Bouncin' for Boobies and other amazing people will be a large portion of my life. done and done--there is nothing like a hometown with motivation=community.

Greenaway girls Halloween

My recent stay in the hospital behind me, I am feeling better.  I am still tired, bloaty, and my stomach can turn on a dime........but I am out of the hospital so I will take what I can get.  My oncologist told me "we just don't know what to do with you" in regards to my next two rounds of chemo--not the most inspiring words, but at least we are on the same page.  I am scared for what is to come, it continues to get worse each time....I am the UFC fighter that keeps getting up, even though I should lay my ass down.  I don't have the choice to lay I keep getting up, and getting hit, it fucking hurts. 

I dressed up as a cancer patient for Halloween this year....I know, I know

The plan is to give me the neupogen shots rather than the neulasta shot---though the side effects for the drugs are identical.  Neupogen shots are given in smaller doses (I received these shots when I was hospitalized the first time, when I wasn't given the neulasta shot and my ANC was non-existent).   I had bone pain at the hospital the first time, but it wasn't anything compared to this last we will see.  Really there isn't a good way to handle this....I vote for a shit-pot of THC and morphine, but I doubt that will happen--hospitals are dirty, dirty places, and both my oncologist and I want me to stay as far away from them as possible--they are used as a last resort (2 out of 4 aren't the best odds...........)

I am going to celebrate the hell out of New Years this year--because 2011 has nothing on this year....well anything has to be better than finding out you have cancer..........right?

You bet your ass.


  1. Too much, too soon! I vote for the THC and morphine also.
    Why is it that hospitals the world over see us at risk of 'picking up' a germ?

  2. Bring on the THC and morphine!!! You are so kicking this in the ass. Big as it is, you are bigger!!!!!! You are an inspiration to so many. I wish I lived closer to you. Hugz!!!!!!