Saturday, November 13, 2010

pieces of the same puzzle

My sisters and I--the ER taxi
After receiving the green light from oncology yesterday (to have chemo Tuesday) I was feeling pretty good. 
That all went to hell when I was sitting on the couch and felt a burp coming one was home so I was going to let out a big, what felt like HUGE, my shock and dismay this was no burp, but vomit..........yep.......all over myself while sitting on the couch.  This started a 3 hour puking rally that no meds were able to you know what that means....a trip to your friendly ER.

Luckily my sisters were in Tacoma and they came by and picked me up.  I enjoy arriving at the ER with an entourage, it makes me feel as "home" as you can in an ER. Scott was still working so he was there and I was greeted by some of my favorite ER employees--including my favorite nurse and doctor.  After 3 IV nausea meds, pain meds, 2 bags of fluid, benadryl, and ativan I was finally feeling okay.  My pulse was higher than normal...pushing 130....the doctor wanted to keep me overnight--not because my pulse was high but he was concerned because I am going through chemo and my best guess is he didn't want me to come right back after heading home.  After he saw that my chest x-ray was clear, my labs looked good and I was feeling better he decided it was okay to release me.  I felt 100% better by the time I got home, and now yesterday is a distant memory, I feel fine.  In fact, I was really productive today so I am quite proud of myself.

My ER entourage

I am guessing that in my normal cycle (if my ovaries weren't currently shriveled up like prunes due to chemo) I would be having PMS right now.  I usually go through a crazy clean-freak few days and today is a prime example. I deep cleaned my fridge, cupboards, pantry, and house over all.  I finally can sit in my living room and feel at peace.........not look around at all the shit I want to get done.  This extra week without chemo has given me the freedom to do laundry and de-clutter some of my random "cancer droppings."  That is what I call the trail of stuff I start and can't finish (it drives Scott crazy) because I get too tired, I throw up, or I just forget what I am doing while I am in the middle of it...chemo brain.

So Tuesday marks my 5th fight with this evil bitch we all call chemo.  I am not looking forward to it, but despite that fact, I have been placing my intention and crossing my fingers that I would be able to get the chemo Tuesday...just one step closer to my 6th and final round.  You can bet your ass I am afraid of what will happen once I get the chemo, but that I will take one day at a time.  For now I will enjoy the serenity of a living room that no longer smells like wet dog, a carpet I can sit on and when I get up my butt no longer resembles some strange stuffed animal, and a kitchen that has counters I would actually eat off of.

As I near (what I am hoping is my final) battle with chemo I look back on the past 5 months and am shocked at the amount of stuff I have been through, not just mentally....but physically.  A battery of tests, surgeries, ER visits, scares, infections, and lack of immune system; bitchy nurses, know-it-all doctors, and surgeons who were absolutely amazing; hearing the words "you have cancer" and passing those words on to those around me......engaging in the fight for my life......I will never be the same, my family will never be the same.......and my body is far from anything I can recognize.  But I am alive and still kicking........and let me tell you, I can deliver quite a wallop---those "birthing" hips I have can also function as a steady ground to kick your ass.  I have develop bonds with people who dove into the trenches to be beside me--instilled a since of unity in friendships I have had since childhood, and opened my eyes to a community of people who treated me like family.

Life as I knew it no longer exists..........remnants lay here and there, but picking up the pieces and creating something knew is in my very near future...........I am looking forward to what I can mend, and what I will recreate all together.


  1. You are a Rock Star!! Every time I read these it makes me smile...