|My girls before surgery|
'Do the pretty girl rock'....well I would, if my damn feet would stop going numb! For the first time in my life I can where my pjs whenever I want, I buy no hair products, I can shower in 5 minutes because I don't need to wash my hair, shave my legs or armpits, I don't wear foundation because I will sweat it off in 5 seconds and I can get away with anything as long as I end with..."well I have cancer." People go out of there way to tell me I look good (when in reality it looks like I was hit in the face with a bag of quarters and the bags under my eyes are so big I could use them for carry-on luggage). I resemble my old self, but am more like a distant cousin who could be related but you aren't sure where some of the genes came from---I am not looking "tip-top" but I also am camera crazy! I want to have pictures of every part of this experience....I never want to forget what I had to experience to come out on the other side of all this shit.
But what am I doing in my head?..........I am bitching and thinking about how I can change everything that I currently am and get "better"--and not "better" like cancer free, I just want to be skinny and have my hair back. Wow, I guess my crazy liberal attitude was blindsided by the superficial barbie that invaded my body..........right now I could be mistaken for a husky 6th grade boy or a 6 month pregnant woman--and in case we aren't clear here---I am neither of those. Those pictures are going to accompany my story and for many of them there are no words. My experience just glares right through you.
I am excited, that for the first time in my entire life, I am looking forward to working out (be careful, hell just froze over and my friend Allison's jaw just hit the floor!). Also, I have been told that a bag of skittles every other day isn't "normal".........well I have cancer! (see it works for everything!) Tomorrow is my last day of feeling somewhat like my old self before chemo on Tuesday (my 5th round of chemo).........I plan to sleep in, go to a movie during the day with Scott (less germs), my pre-chemo oncology appointment and then our ritual pre-chemo day party (the term I use loosely)--which really consists of some sort of alcohol, Scott and whoever is accompanying us to the following day's chemo (see you tomorrow Allison!) and my sisters if they are free. I try to keep my mind off of chemo, but then when everyone heads to bed, I remain awake until morning. I wish I could record the thoughts that run through my head the night before chemo---they make me want to live and want to die---then by the time I think I have everything worked out and I close my eyes, my alarm goes off and it is time to start my pre-meds............it is the most exhausting night of my life--and the irony is I schedule them.
|this is what cancer looks like|
|seconds before being wheeled into surgery|
|bye, bye boobs--hello pain|
|first day home after surgery|
|a few days after surgery|
|after 4 chemo's I was hospitalized for the 2nd time and given blood|
|my ER cheerleader (one of my many ER trips)|
|lots of pain--at oncology before my most recent hospitalization|
|IV antibiotics for 5 days last week, me at home with my port accessed--and Lucy|