Thursday, November 4, 2010

"you fancy huh?"

Halloween 2010

Waiting in line at Rite Aide (after dropping off my many pre-chemo prescriptions) I was buying beer and skittles.............I know, shocking!  I was wearing my pink SURVIVOR bracelet..................
Employee: "Your bracelet says survivor, did you have breast cancer?"
Me: "I do, I am going to through chemo now"
Employee: "So you aren't a survivor yet."
Me: "I am planning ahead"
Employee: "With beer?"
Me: "I am being celebratory." (as I hit her with the 12 pack............just kidding)

(I was also buying beer because my sisters were coming over, I am not a big drinker with chemo and all, a few, but that really isn't the point is it?)

So..................................sometimes.........................I am too much for some people to handle...........I know, that just blew your mind!  If you are reading this something strikes your fancy, you know me, you have cancer, you don't want to have cancer, you know Scott or my family, you like grit and sass, and I am sure there are lots of other reasons....but whatever draws you here, you either stay or your don't.  You vote for the underdog and like the grit--you want to be told the truth and enjoy the stories---you keep checking in---I love it!!!!  I can't explain the feeling of knowing that when I type something, when I am having a shitty day, or if I am finally feeling normal again--whatever it is I can write it and know that others will experience it and share in my emotions.  I am not alone, even when I am alone.

This weekend I am going to an Ayurvedic Retreat.  I am pretty excited (Scott has graciously agreed to come with me---it may not be his thing, it isn't mine either.........but they have hikes and trees and he can run around being all athletic, like he likes to do) so I don't feel bad.  I may be excited now, but a few days ago I was ready to book a ticket to Vegas--go drink tequila and play penny slots--just let the lights and sounds distract me and forget all that is going on. 

I was quickly snapped back to reality when I found a small lump in my armpit while in the shower.  I immediately got hysterical, sat down in the shower and cried, unable to breathe.  My mind races and I think that "I have a new spot of cancer, I have this crazy cancer that can grow when I am going through chemo.............I am going to die."  After a lorazepam and talking to both my sisters I stopped the tears.  I then saw Scott and he told me I was crazy (which he tells me pretty much daily so I wasn't too impressed). 

I saw my oncologist today and I couldn't find the damn lump to show him............he tells me not to worry about it because it is on the same side as my infected boob, he is sure it is a lymph node reacting to the infection--I am sure he is right.  I am now rational and agree..............and today my arm on that side has become extremely sore....another nod to the infection.

So I head off at the crack ass of dawn tomorrow (I think it is like 9am............but when I don't fall asleep until 7am, 9am is early) to go a retreat center for a relaxing weekend with my hubby.  I am sure I will have a case of the church giggles (you know when you begin to laugh inappropriately at something............thank you Kathy Griffin) at a seminar or something......I hope there is Internet so I can watch trashy TV online and blog if I feel like taking my own "relaxation" time.  Scott and I had to ask today if we had to share rooms (like with other people) because I can't do that.  When I get tired I am like a really cranky bear that needs to be put down STAT--the last thing I want to do is have to make nice with a roommate..........I'll cut a bitch.....and lucky for me the only person I have to share the room with is Scott........

I still have an infected implant and am checking my temperature every 2 hours, any spikes I will head straight to the ER at the closest hospital.  My oncologist said if my boob looks the same on Monday they will delay chemo at a minimum one week.  I am on a second antibiotic so hopefully that makes a difference.

Enjoy your weekend.  Cheers!


  1. Enjoy the retreat and Scott's company. Good for the soul!
    Trust the infection disappears pronto.

  2. You ARE a survivor! I learned recently that at least the American Cancer Society defines your "survivor age" from the date of your diagnosis. Enjoy your weekend-I look forward to hearing what they do. I may be in the market for something like that myself!

  3. It was great seeing you at the Doula meeting. Keeping the good thoughts going for you!