sweeter than a swisher



My girls before surgery

 **a couple of semi-graphic photos are posted below

'Do the pretty girl rock'....well I would, if my damn feet would stop going numb!  For the first time in my life I can where my pjs whenever I want, I buy no hair products, I can shower in 5 minutes because I don't need to wash my hair, shave my legs or armpits, I don't wear foundation because I will sweat it off in 5 seconds and I can get away with anything as long as I end with..."well I have cancer."    People go out of there way to tell me I look good (when in reality it looks like I was hit in the face with a bag of quarters and the bags under my eyes are so big I could use them for carry-on luggage).  I resemble my old self, but am more like a distant cousin who could be related but you aren't sure where some of the genes came from---I am not looking "tip-top" but I also am camera crazy!  I want to have pictures of every part of this experience....I never want to forget what I had to experience to come out on the other side of all this shit.

But what am I doing in my head?..........I am bitching and thinking about how I can change everything that I currently am and get "better"--and not "better" like cancer free, I just want to be skinny and have my hair back.  Wow, I guess  my crazy liberal attitude was blindsided by the superficial barbie that invaded my body..........right now I could be mistaken for a husky 6th grade boy or a 6 month pregnant woman--and in case we aren't clear here---I am neither of those.  Those pictures are going to accompany my story and for many of them there are no words.  My experience just glares right through you. 

I am excited, that for the first time in my entire life, I am looking forward to working out (be careful, hell just froze over and my friend Allison's jaw just hit the floor!). Also, I have been told that a bag of skittles every other day isn't "normal".........well I have cancer!  (see it works for everything!)  Tomorrow is my last day of feeling somewhat like my old self before chemo on Tuesday (my 5th round of chemo).........I plan to sleep in, go to a movie during the day with Scott (less germs), my pre-chemo oncology appointment and then our ritual pre-chemo day party (the term I use loosely)--which really consists of some sort of alcohol, Scott and whoever is accompanying us to the following day's chemo (see you tomorrow Allison!) and my sisters if they are free.  I try to keep my mind off of chemo, but then when everyone heads to bed, I remain awake until morning.  I wish I could record the thoughts that run through my head the night before chemo---they make me want to live and want to die---then by the time I think I have everything worked out and I close my eyes, my alarm goes off and it is time to start my pre-meds............it is the most exhausting night of my life--and the irony is I schedule them.


this is what cancer looks like



seconds before being wheeled into surgery



bye, bye boobs--hello pain




first day home after surgery



a few days after surgery



after 4 chemo's I was hospitalized for the 2nd time and given blood




wowzer





my ER cheerleader (one of my many ER trips)




lots of pain--at oncology before my most recent hospitalization





 IV antibiotics for 5 days last week, me at home with my port accessed--and Lucy



pieces of the same puzzle

My sisters and I--the ER taxi

After receiving the green light from oncology yesterday (to have chemo Tuesday) I was feeling pretty good. 
That all went to hell when I was sitting on the couch and felt a burp coming on............no one was home so I was going to let out a big, what felt like HUGE, belch.........to my shock and dismay this was no burp, but vomit..........yep.......all over myself while sitting on the couch.  This started a 3 hour puking rally that no meds were able to stop........so you know what that means....a trip to your friendly ER.

Luckily my sisters were in Tacoma and they came by and picked me up.  I enjoy arriving at the ER with an entourage, it makes me feel as "home" as you can in an ER. Scott was still working so he was there and I was greeted by some of my favorite ER employees--including my favorite nurse and doctor.  After 3 IV nausea meds, pain meds, 2 bags of fluid, benadryl, and ativan I was finally feeling okay.  My pulse was higher than normal...pushing 130....the doctor wanted to keep me overnight--not because my pulse was high but he was concerned because I am going through chemo and my best guess is he didn't want me to come right back after heading home.  After he saw that my chest x-ray was clear, my labs looked good and I was feeling better he decided it was okay to release me.  I felt 100% better by the time I got home, and now yesterday is a distant memory, I feel fine.  In fact, I was really productive today so I am quite proud of myself.

My ER entourage

I am guessing that in my normal cycle (if my ovaries weren't currently shriveled up like prunes due to chemo) I would be having PMS right now.  I usually go through a crazy clean-freak few days and today is a prime example. I deep cleaned my fridge, cupboards, pantry, and house over all.  I finally can sit in my living room and feel at peace.........not look around at all the shit I want to get done.  This extra week without chemo has given me the freedom to do laundry and de-clutter some of my random "cancer droppings."  That is what I call the trail of stuff I start and can't finish (it drives Scott crazy) because I get too tired, I throw up, or I just forget what I am doing while I am in the middle of it...chemo brain.

So Tuesday marks my 5th fight with this evil bitch we all call chemo.  I am not looking forward to it, but despite that fact, I have been placing my intention and crossing my fingers that I would be able to get the chemo Tuesday...just one step closer to my 6th and final round.  You can bet your ass I am afraid of what will happen once I get the chemo, but that I will take one day at a time.  For now I will enjoy the serenity of a living room that no longer smells like wet dog, a carpet I can sit on and when I get up my butt no longer resembles some strange stuffed animal, and a kitchen that has counters I would actually eat off of.

As I near (what I am hoping is my final) battle with chemo I look back on the past 5 months and am shocked at the amount of stuff I have been through, not just mentally....but physically.  A battery of tests, surgeries, ER visits, scares, infections, and lack of immune system; bitchy nurses, know-it-all doctors, and surgeons who were absolutely amazing; hearing the words "you have cancer" and passing those words on to those around me......engaging in the fight for my life......I will never be the same, my family will never be the same.......and my body is far from anything I can recognize.  But I am alive and still kicking........and let me tell you, I can deliver quite a wallop---those "birthing" hips I have can also function as a steady ground to kick your ass.  I have develop bonds with people who dove into the trenches to be beside me--instilled a since of unity in friendships I have had since childhood, and opened my eyes to a community of people who treated me like family.

Life as I knew it no longer exists..........remnants lay here and there, but picking up the pieces and creating something knew is in my very near future...........I am looking forward to what I can mend, and what I will recreate all together.

Chemo can't defeat me.

Today was my fourth IV antibiotic round and there is still no change in my boob.  Tomorrow after my 5th round of IV antibiotics, I meet with the oncologist to decide if I need to continue through the weekend, and I am hoping to get a straight answer regarding chemo on Tuesday if my boob remains unchanged.  I have had two rounds of pill antibiotics and now this round of IV antibiotics--all with no improvement or change......so we will see. 

I want to share something that was given to me at my 'Chemo Sucks, Parties Don't' party I had prior to starting chemo.  I have it on my mantle and look at it daily, today it resonated with me and brought tears to my eyes and put a huge smile on my face.  It was written by Jennifer Weston, a doula friend of mine and it is amazing and powerful---and extremely accurate.

THE BATTLE CRY

(for Dori, the fighter.)

"Out! Out! Damn spot! Be gone with you!" said the brave young fighter

Rising to the taunting of the raging beast inside her.

"You think I'll shrink from this fight? You think that you can beat me?

It's gunna take a whole lot more than chemo to defeat me!

My breast are not the soul of me, though they were soft and pretty

And though I'll mourn their loss, the rest of me is tough and gritty.

I'll take you on, you sonofabitch, you parasite called cancer

And in this fight I may get bruised, but you? You stand no chance, sir!

You ask me why I'm smiling, and I answer, being candid,

"Because I know something you don't know! I am not left handed!"

It may look like you're winning. True, I may puke and loose my curls

But I have some secret weapons in my arsenal....my girls!

Tough women that surround me with their love and healing hope

Will make the strands that strangle you! Around your neck? Their rope.

They cry with me, they laugh with me, they calmly hold the space

From their presence I draw the strength, to spit right in your face.

Standing by my side, and in my heart? My love! My Knight!

When you take me on, you can bet your ass, it's also him you fight.

When I am weak, he'll stand for me, He's my personal Gatorade

Replenishing the strength I need to kick your ass if I start to fade.

So lets get to it! Do your thing. Just try to take me down!

I think you may just find yourself laid flat out on the ground.

See, the only way for you to claim your victory when this fight ends

Is for you to crush my spirit, and that WILL NOT happen friend!

True my boobs are gone, and though the surgeries are a drag

When reconstruction is finally done...Bionic boobs don't sag!

And when you take my hair, well, then I won't have to shave my calves.

(See, to beat you I choose to focus not on my "have nots" but "have's")

And I'll write it down and send it out so others see my pain

If I can touch one other soul, then I'll count it all as gain.

You may have thought that with one blow, I'd run and hide my head

But all you did was show me all the blessings I hold instead.

So if I we're you I'd wave a flag of white and run like hell

Because you're going down, asshole, each and every cell!"

With all that said, the fighter turned and smiled at the sky above.

Walked into the circle of her tribe, into their light and love.

They linked their hands and hearts, and then with one voice a might roar they cried

'You may have won a battle,

but you WILL NOT win this war!!"



oh shit, my glass is empty

Today was day 3 of IV antibiotics in the sad chemo room--still no change in my boob.  It has been refreshing to not have chemo this week, last night instead of being in my drunken chemo state I had game night with Scott and my sisters.  I am not what you call a good loser, or a good winner for that matter.  I am a bit of a control freak and games are no exception.  Scott calls me crazy (again, not sure when he will understand that it has lost its effectiveness) and he wishes I would relax and just be able to play games.  I am a board flipper and I get annoyed when games move slowly. I like fast paced everything............I know, I need to slow down.

My right arm has began to ache so bad I don't even want to walk, it is kind of hit and miss and no amount of lymphedemic massage seems to help.  Even when I reach for the percocet it doesn't do the trick, just leaves me with a nasty headache and mild comfort for awhile.  My panicky control freak side (as Scott would like to call it, my 'crazy' side) is convinced my arm is going to get very large and I will no longer be able to write with my right hand..........my logical side thinks that if I do have an infection in my right boob my lymph nodes on that side are working their asses of and the pain is a result because with some of them missing, they just don't work so well as a team anymore.

I have been missing home a lot.  The out pouring of support and contact with long lost friends has made me both nostalgic and wanting to visit really bad.  I can't visit because I am on daily IV antibiotics, or it's flu season, or I am nauseous, or I am in the hospital.........so until chemo is done the closest I can get is listening to the country station on the radio--it's driving Scott crazy in the car.  I don't just miss Okanogan and the people, I miss simple times.  I miss shitty beer and camping in cars in the middle of a wheat field.  I am all nostalgic about lots of stuff lately, and teary too--probably due to lack of sleep, chemo brain, and lots of time on my hands. 

I loved where my life was before cancer......I don't like the cancer detour and the worry about getting back on track once the detour is over.....it's fucking scary.  Many things have happened since my diagnosis that never would have happened otherwise, for those things I am thankful.  I have reconnected with great friends, started the blog where I have been able to give an open-book view of cancer and am learning more about myself than I care to admit.  I have had things taken away that I will never get back, a few more obvious than others..........breasts, nipples, trust in my body, and an understanding of how I thought my life was going to go.

I feel as if my future is dicey and my plans are no longer concrete.  I find myself second guessing things I was sure of just six months ago--having children, a PhD program, breastfeeding, living past 35, being healthy.  I keep returning to the thought that my body has turned on me, that if I can't trust my body where can I put my trust?  It shakes my foundation and I don't like to be rocked.  I am not a religious person, I feel that if I was it would be easy to put everything into faith (I have faith in relationships and that things happen for a reason) and not take ownership of what I am feeling and doing about all this cancer business.  That is what it is, a business--we are partners now, cancer and I--definitely a give and take relationship.  Personally, I feel cancer takes too fucking much, but we are working on it.  I will have this "dark passenger" (thank you Dexter) for the rest of my life. I will have to have tests and scans for as long as I live--there is always a chance that my body will turn on me again--no matter how healthy I am, how far I run, how much I work out, how well I eat.......

But what keeps me up at night is the fact that I won't know when or if it will happen.  When I think about future plans I feel selfish. I feel selfish for asking for support, for eating skittles ("sugar causes cancer"), for wanting to have children--not knowing how long I will be around to raise them. I feel selfish for having Scott at my side through everything, not knowing if I will be around to support him in the future.  I worry my life will be cut short by this horrible disease and I will be jaded in the end.  I worry that my stage 3 will become stage 4 and after numerous treatments I will give up. 

"Live life like everyday is your last" has a new meaning, but lets be honest...it is very unrealistic.  If anything I will work on balance in my life and enjoying things more.  I don't take anything sitting down and cancer is no exception, life just has a different taste now and it is going to take some getting used to.

make you smile and break your heart

Scott & I at the retreat

Tonight should be my 5th chemo eve.............but unfortunately it is not.  I spent the weekend at Harmony Hill at an ayurvedic retreat with Scott.  I went into it a little worried..........we all know I am hard to handle at times............but it was brilliant.  It was a place of healing, something I haven't experienced before.  Many people think that hospitals are a place of healing..........I won't even go into that.......but after my stays in the hospital I needed this.  Not only was the setting healing, but the people who I spent the weekend with were amazing--each individual story and experience brought together under one roof, all concentrated on wellness was astonishing.  I got much needed, uninterrupted rest.........and Scott won the game of musical chairs.

Harmony Hill

I packed my diet coke and skittles for this wellness weekend, knowing that the food was mostly vegetarian and good for you (so my naughty habits would be frowned upon, and definitely not catered to).  I like candy just like the average person, but since I have been diagnosed with cancer I crave skittles and jelly bellies........I know the 'sugar feeds cancer' research and that these may not be the most healthy decisions for me.  But I already have cancer and skittles make me happy, done and done.  I have promised myself that once chemo is done I will taper down my skittle intake.  It's not like I am eating bags and bags, just a bag every other day or so on my good weeks--perfectly innocent.  Or at least that is what I am telling myself.  Just give me my fix and no one gets hurt.

Life has a funny way of holding up a mirror and forcing you to look at yourself.  Apparently I wasn't looking hard enough before and it had to throw cancer in the mix so I would pay attention.  I ran myself ragged and piled on commitments.  I thrive on being busy and jam packed, but my health was suffering.  I would mow people and relationships over with other commitments and never fully commit to anything.  On the scale of bad things to do to yourself that make skittles look innocent.  Now I have been forced to slow down, my commitments are few and far between--I am unable to make plans because I don't know how I will feel when I wake up in the morning.  For the first time I am not in school, not working and with all this free time I have been forced to look in the mirror.  I have learned the hard way that as fiercely independent as I am, it is important to rely on others and ask for help at times................you can't do everything alone.

There is no eloquent way to be a cancer patient.  I am thankful for my sense of humor and the relationship I have with friends and family.  I am not an angry cancer patient, I am not bitter, and I don't think I am being punished.  But I will tell you what I think, I am raw and write what I experience--and it isn't always kittens and rainbows.  Your life is turned upside down.  Nothing I do is simple, including cancer and my treatment....I am in and out of the hospital, I get extreme side effects, random infections, etc....today I told my oncologist that I just "like to make things complicated" he giggled, probably because he agrees and wishes I would cut that shit out.........I wish I could, but my body now has a mind of its own...no one talked to me before I got cancer.

I was hoping that the wellness weekend would help get rid of the infection in my boob--kind of hold hands with the antibiotics, no such luck.  I am now on IV antibiotics everyday this week.  That means that I go into the oncologist and sit for 45 minutes while the antibiotics go into my port.  My port is accessed and will remain that way all week........so I have the tubing all taped up........I definitely got more looks than normal at dinner tonight...... So chemo gets pushed back to next Tuesday (if all goes well), not what I was hoping for but shit happens.  If I have learned anything it is that I have control of nothing when it comes to cancer...........free like a weed.

"you fancy huh?"

Halloween 2010

Waiting in line at Rite Aide (after dropping off my many pre-chemo prescriptions) I was buying beer and skittles.............I know, shocking!  I was wearing my pink SURVIVOR bracelet..................
Employee: "Your bracelet says survivor, did you have breast cancer?"
Me: "I do, I am going to through chemo now"
Employee: "So you aren't a survivor yet."
Me: "I am planning ahead"
Employee: "With beer?"
Me: "I am being celebratory." (as I hit her with the 12 pack............just kidding)

(I was also buying beer because my sisters were coming over, I am not a big drinker with chemo and all, a few, but that really isn't the point is it?)

So..................................sometimes.........................I am too much for some people to handle...........I know, that just blew your mind!  If you are reading this something strikes your fancy, you know me, you have cancer, you don't want to have cancer, you know Scott or my family, you like grit and sass, and I am sure there are lots of other reasons....but whatever draws you here, you either stay or your don't.  You vote for the underdog and like the grit--you want to be told the truth and enjoy the stories---you keep checking in---I love it!!!!  I can't explain the feeling of knowing that when I type something, when I am having a shitty day, or if I am finally feeling normal again--whatever it is I can write it and know that others will experience it and share in my emotions.  I am not alone, even when I am alone.

This weekend I am going to an Ayurvedic Retreat.  I am pretty excited (Scott has graciously agreed to come with me---it may not be his thing, it isn't mine either.........but they have hikes and trees and he can run around being all athletic, like he likes to do) so I don't feel bad.  I may be excited now, but a few days ago I was ready to book a ticket to Vegas--go drink tequila and play penny slots--just let the lights and sounds distract me and forget all that is going on. 

I was quickly snapped back to reality when I found a small lump in my armpit while in the shower.  I immediately got hysterical, sat down in the shower and cried, unable to breathe.  My mind races and I think that "I have a new spot of cancer, I have this crazy cancer that can grow when I am going through chemo.............I am going to die."  After a lorazepam and talking to both my sisters I stopped the tears.  I then saw Scott and he told me I was crazy (which he tells me pretty much daily so I wasn't too impressed). 

I saw my oncologist today and I couldn't find the damn lump to show him............he tells me not to worry about it because it is on the same side as my infected boob, he is sure it is a lymph node reacting to the infection--I am sure he is right.  I am now rational and agree..............and today my arm on that side has become extremely sore....another nod to the infection.

So I head off at the crack ass of dawn tomorrow (I think it is like 9am............but when I don't fall asleep until 7am, 9am is early) to go a retreat center for a relaxing weekend with my hubby.  I am sure I will have a case of the church giggles (you know when you begin to laugh inappropriately at something............thank you Kathy Griffin) at a seminar or something......I hope there is Internet so I can watch trashy TV online and blog if I feel like taking my own "relaxation" time.  Scott and I had to ask today if we had to share rooms (like with other people) because I can't do that.  When I get tired I am like a really cranky bear that needs to be put down STAT--the last thing I want to do is have to make nice with a roommate..........I'll cut a bitch.....and lucky for me the only person I have to share the room with is Scott........

I still have an infected implant and am checking my temperature every 2 hours, any spikes I will head straight to the ER at the closest hospital.  My oncologist said if my boob looks the same on Monday they will delay chemo at a minimum one week.  I am on a second antibiotic so hopefully that makes a difference.

Enjoy your weekend.  Cheers!

don't be fancy, just be dancey

Kristi & I--Halloween

Fear makes people do terrible things.  Unfortunately for many people a diagnosis leads to fear, which leads to isolation, which leads to nothing good.  I have had my moments of locking myself in the bathroom, sitting on the floor and crying with the radio up really loud.  I have taken solace in the shower where I am completely alone and sometimes I break into a fit of tears while watching TV by myself.........even if it is Jersey Shore or a real housewife (sometimes I watch good TV.......but there is just so much bad TV).  When you are faced with something that can seem insurmountable your emotions are on the surface.  Sometimes I feel more like I have PMS than cancer---I can plow through a bag of candy and a box of kleenex in seconds.....either a world record or a fucking great You Tube video.... 

Being a therapist I am fascinated by emotions, feeling myself get to the brink of out of control is just as fascinating--only because I am lucky enough to have the support system that has created a rope that sits around my waist......so I am dangling off the cliff.........but won't drop. Thank you.

And I don't just have a support network here...............I have an extended support network in my hometown.  People from the "city" don't have that--I am convinced.  I am blown away by what Okanogan has done for me and my family........but Scott is shocked.  He grew up in Spokane and there just isn't the same type of "community" there.  From a spaghetti feed to a high school dance (and so much in between) they have jumped in with both feet and supported me.   There is no way to payback this amount of generosity and kindness---just to pay it forward.  And that is our plan--once I am healthy and the bills are gone......fundraising and being involved with Bouncin' for Boobies and other amazing people will be a large portion of my life. done and done--there is nothing like a hometown with motivation=community.

Greenaway girls Halloween

My recent stay in the hospital behind me, I am feeling better.  I am still tired, bloaty, and my stomach can turn on a dime........but I am out of the hospital so I will take what I can get.  My oncologist told me "we just don't know what to do with you" in regards to my next two rounds of chemo--not the most inspiring words, but at least we are on the same page.  I am scared for what is to come, it continues to get worse each time....I am the UFC fighter that keeps getting up, even though I should lay my ass down.  I don't have the choice to lay down..........so I keep getting up, and getting hit, it fucking hurts. 

I dressed up as a cancer patient for Halloween this year....I know, I know

The plan is to give me the neupogen shots rather than the neulasta shot---though the side effects for the drugs are identical.  Neupogen shots are given in smaller doses (I received these shots when I was hospitalized the first time, when I wasn't given the neulasta shot and my ANC was non-existent).   I had bone pain at the hospital the first time, but it wasn't anything compared to this last time..............so we will see.  Really there isn't a good way to handle this....I vote for a shit-pot of THC and morphine, but I doubt that will happen--hospitals are dirty, dirty places, and both my oncologist and I want me to stay as far away from them as possible--they are used as a last resort (2 out of 4 aren't the best odds...........)

I am going to celebrate the hell out of New Years this year--because 2011 has nothing on this year....well anything has to be better than finding out you have cancer..........right?

You bet your ass.