make you smile and break your heart

Scott & I at the retreat

Tonight should be my 5th chemo eve.............but unfortunately it is not.  I spent the weekend at Harmony Hill at an ayurvedic retreat with Scott.  I went into it a little worried..........we all know I am hard to handle at times............but it was brilliant.  It was a place of healing, something I haven't experienced before.  Many people think that hospitals are a place of healing..........I won't even go into that.......but after my stays in the hospital I needed this.  Not only was the setting healing, but the people who I spent the weekend with were amazing--each individual story and experience brought together under one roof, all concentrated on wellness was astonishing.  I got much needed, uninterrupted rest.........and Scott won the game of musical chairs.

Harmony Hill

I packed my diet coke and skittles for this wellness weekend, knowing that the food was mostly vegetarian and good for you (so my naughty habits would be frowned upon, and definitely not catered to).  I like candy just like the average person, but since I have been diagnosed with cancer I crave skittles and jelly bellies........I know the 'sugar feeds cancer' research and that these may not be the most healthy decisions for me.  But I already have cancer and skittles make me happy, done and done.  I have promised myself that once chemo is done I will taper down my skittle intake.  It's not like I am eating bags and bags, just a bag every other day or so on my good weeks--perfectly innocent.  Or at least that is what I am telling myself.  Just give me my fix and no one gets hurt.

Life has a funny way of holding up a mirror and forcing you to look at yourself.  Apparently I wasn't looking hard enough before and it had to throw cancer in the mix so I would pay attention.  I ran myself ragged and piled on commitments.  I thrive on being busy and jam packed, but my health was suffering.  I would mow people and relationships over with other commitments and never fully commit to anything.  On the scale of bad things to do to yourself that make skittles look innocent.  Now I have been forced to slow down, my commitments are few and far between--I am unable to make plans because I don't know how I will feel when I wake up in the morning.  For the first time I am not in school, not working and with all this free time I have been forced to look in the mirror.  I have learned the hard way that as fiercely independent as I am, it is important to rely on others and ask for help at times................you can't do everything alone.

There is no eloquent way to be a cancer patient.  I am thankful for my sense of humor and the relationship I have with friends and family.  I am not an angry cancer patient, I am not bitter, and I don't think I am being punished.  But I will tell you what I think, I am raw and write what I experience--and it isn't always kittens and rainbows.  Your life is turned upside down.  Nothing I do is simple, including cancer and my treatment....I am in and out of the hospital, I get extreme side effects, random infections, etc....today I told my oncologist that I just "like to make things complicated" he giggled, probably because he agrees and wishes I would cut that shit out.........I wish I could, but my body now has a mind of its own...no one talked to me before I got cancer.

I was hoping that the wellness weekend would help get rid of the infection in my boob--kind of hold hands with the antibiotics, no such luck.  I am now on IV antibiotics everyday this week.  That means that I go into the oncologist and sit for 45 minutes while the antibiotics go into my port.  My port is accessed and will remain that way all week........so I have the tubing all taped up........I definitely got more looks than normal at dinner tonight...... So chemo gets pushed back to next Tuesday (if all goes well), not what I was hoping for but shit happens.  If I have learned anything it is that I have control of nothing when it comes to cancer...........free like a weed.

"you fancy huh?"

Halloween 2010

Waiting in line at Rite Aide (after dropping off my many pre-chemo prescriptions) I was buying beer and skittles.............I know, shocking!  I was wearing my pink SURVIVOR bracelet..................
Employee: "Your bracelet says survivor, did you have breast cancer?"
Me: "I do, I am going to through chemo now"
Employee: "So you aren't a survivor yet."
Me: "I am planning ahead"
Employee: "With beer?"
Me: "I am being celebratory." (as I hit her with the 12 pack............just kidding)

(I was also buying beer because my sisters were coming over, I am not a big drinker with chemo and all, a few, but that really isn't the point is it?)

So..................................sometimes.........................I am too much for some people to handle...........I know, that just blew your mind!  If you are reading this something strikes your fancy, you know me, you have cancer, you don't want to have cancer, you know Scott or my family, you like grit and sass, and I am sure there are lots of other reasons....but whatever draws you here, you either stay or your don't.  You vote for the underdog and like the grit--you want to be told the truth and enjoy the stories---you keep checking in---I love it!!!!  I can't explain the feeling of knowing that when I type something, when I am having a shitty day, or if I am finally feeling normal again--whatever it is I can write it and know that others will experience it and share in my emotions.  I am not alone, even when I am alone.

This weekend I am going to an Ayurvedic Retreat.  I am pretty excited (Scott has graciously agreed to come with me---it may not be his thing, it isn't mine either.........but they have hikes and trees and he can run around being all athletic, like he likes to do) so I don't feel bad.  I may be excited now, but a few days ago I was ready to book a ticket to Vegas--go drink tequila and play penny slots--just let the lights and sounds distract me and forget all that is going on. 

I was quickly snapped back to reality when I found a small lump in my armpit while in the shower.  I immediately got hysterical, sat down in the shower and cried, unable to breathe.  My mind races and I think that "I have a new spot of cancer, I have this crazy cancer that can grow when I am going through chemo.............I am going to die."  After a lorazepam and talking to both my sisters I stopped the tears.  I then saw Scott and he told me I was crazy (which he tells me pretty much daily so I wasn't too impressed). 

I saw my oncologist today and I couldn't find the damn lump to show him............he tells me not to worry about it because it is on the same side as my infected boob, he is sure it is a lymph node reacting to the infection--I am sure he is right.  I am now rational and agree..............and today my arm on that side has become extremely sore....another nod to the infection.

So I head off at the crack ass of dawn tomorrow (I think it is like 9am............but when I don't fall asleep until 7am, 9am is early) to go a retreat center for a relaxing weekend with my hubby.  I am sure I will have a case of the church giggles (you know when you begin to laugh inappropriately at something............thank you Kathy Griffin) at a seminar or something......I hope there is Internet so I can watch trashy TV online and blog if I feel like taking my own "relaxation" time.  Scott and I had to ask today if we had to share rooms (like with other people) because I can't do that.  When I get tired I am like a really cranky bear that needs to be put down STAT--the last thing I want to do is have to make nice with a roommate..........I'll cut a bitch.....and lucky for me the only person I have to share the room with is Scott........

I still have an infected implant and am checking my temperature every 2 hours, any spikes I will head straight to the ER at the closest hospital.  My oncologist said if my boob looks the same on Monday they will delay chemo at a minimum one week.  I am on a second antibiotic so hopefully that makes a difference.

Enjoy your weekend.  Cheers!

don't be fancy, just be dancey

Kristi & I--Halloween

Fear makes people do terrible things.  Unfortunately for many people a diagnosis leads to fear, which leads to isolation, which leads to nothing good.  I have had my moments of locking myself in the bathroom, sitting on the floor and crying with the radio up really loud.  I have taken solace in the shower where I am completely alone and sometimes I break into a fit of tears while watching TV by myself.........even if it is Jersey Shore or a real housewife (sometimes I watch good TV.......but there is just so much bad TV).  When you are faced with something that can seem insurmountable your emotions are on the surface.  Sometimes I feel more like I have PMS than cancer---I can plow through a bag of candy and a box of kleenex in seconds.....either a world record or a fucking great You Tube video.... 

Being a therapist I am fascinated by emotions, feeling myself get to the brink of out of control is just as fascinating--only because I am lucky enough to have the support system that has created a rope that sits around my waist......so I am dangling off the cliff.........but won't drop. Thank you.

And I don't just have a support network here...............I have an extended support network in my hometown.  People from the "city" don't have that--I am convinced.  I am blown away by what Okanogan has done for me and my family........but Scott is shocked.  He grew up in Spokane and there just isn't the same type of "community" there.  From a spaghetti feed to a high school dance (and so much in between) they have jumped in with both feet and supported me.   There is no way to payback this amount of generosity and kindness---just to pay it forward.  And that is our plan--once I am healthy and the bills are gone......fundraising and being involved with Bouncin' for Boobies and other amazing people will be a large portion of my life. done and done--there is nothing like a hometown with motivation=community.

Greenaway girls Halloween

My recent stay in the hospital behind me, I am feeling better.  I am still tired, bloaty, and my stomach can turn on a dime........but I am out of the hospital so I will take what I can get.  My oncologist told me "we just don't know what to do with you" in regards to my next two rounds of chemo--not the most inspiring words, but at least we are on the same page.  I am scared for what is to come, it continues to get worse each time....I am the UFC fighter that keeps getting up, even though I should lay my ass down.  I don't have the choice to lay down..........so I keep getting up, and getting hit, it fucking hurts. 

I dressed up as a cancer patient for Halloween this year....I know, I know

The plan is to give me the neupogen shots rather than the neulasta shot---though the side effects for the drugs are identical.  Neupogen shots are given in smaller doses (I received these shots when I was hospitalized the first time, when I wasn't given the neulasta shot and my ANC was non-existent).   I had bone pain at the hospital the first time, but it wasn't anything compared to this last time..............so we will see.  Really there isn't a good way to handle this....I vote for a shit-pot of THC and morphine, but I doubt that will happen--hospitals are dirty, dirty places, and both my oncologist and I want me to stay as far away from them as possible--they are used as a last resort (2 out of 4 aren't the best odds...........)

I am going to celebrate the hell out of New Years this year--because 2011 has nothing on this year....well anything has to be better than finding out you have cancer..........right?

You bet your ass.

put a bandaid on it

Everyone thinks falling in love is the hard part.  I know I did--you meet someone, go through the hoops of dating, you lie to seem better than you are--but then the truth comes out and you brace to be excepted or rejected; if all goes well you move on and then learn to fart in front of each other, realize that all people poop and so does your partner--done and done.  You decide to get married, walk through the proverbial doorway and done-------from here your life is supposed to be easy.  You are in love, you are married, you get dogs--and love said dogs, even if one is a bit crazy and sometimes bites you and freaks out for no reason.  You somewhat feel a kinship with said dog because you freak out for no reason sometimes and you are wound really tight and assume he is too--why else would a loud clap turn in him to a raving lunatic? 

You lose a family member and you think that is the hardest thing you will go through together--death is scary and death is the ultimate end.  I lost my dad and I lost myself in the same day.  Scott was there to hold me together, he was there when I was hysterical, when there wasn't enough sleeping pills in the world to give me a good nights rest, when I couldn't walk two steps without feeling like I was going to faint, when I thought it would be easier if I just was numb all the time and forget that bad things happened in the world.  That was it, that was our pain, our pain before we even got married.  And that crazy ass dog was there too, he witnessed the pain, he licked the tears off my face and pooped on the floor to give me something to do.

My dad was incredible, he was stubborn and stern as hell, but I wouldn't have the fight I have inside me without him.  We are all stronger now because of him--we were forced to break and heal--together.  My sisters, mom and I have a unspoken bond that happened when we were forced to grieve.  Scott is joined with us because he was forced to step into a role and protect all of us.  Death can come with unbelievable pain that you can't see--there are no visible wounds on those who are grieving...except the inevitable puffy eyes and swollen red nose.  I am "fixed" but am missing a piece of me--the same piece that makes me who I am........

So we had a few battles, but apparently the war wasn't over.   We bought a house, I went to grad school, we were adults and had plans and were good.  We fought over stupid stuff, just like you all do, like the garbage, money, cleaning the bathrooms, vacuuming........pointless arguments that at the time seem so real and heated and the most important thing in the world...............but really, pointless.

We wanted to have a baby.  Babies are what I do--pregnant women and babies are my passion, I embrace every aspect of pregnancy and I am damn good at what I do.......damn good.  I wanted to be that good with my own baby, I wanted a baby.  We were trying to have a baby.  Now, I won't be able to have sex to make a baby with my partner.....it won't happen.  Now I am a lactation educator that will never, ever be able to breastfeed.  I am unsure if I will be able to carry them embryos we worked to hard to freeze prior to surgery and chemo.  And if I do, I will be a high risk pregnancy, with no probable option of a vaginal delivery.  For most people this isn't such a big deal, people don't dream of breastfeeding and most people want drugs for birth and c-section seems like a perfect option.  I am not that woman.  In fact, I am opposite of that woman--I try to change that woman's mind and show her the importance of what her body can do, and how her baby needs her body to do such things.  Now I am a woman with limited options and when I let myself think about it I feel the pieces of me fall to the floor......so I accept the inevitable, put it in a box, tie it with a pretty bow and place it to the back of my head.  I peak into it every once in awhile hoping it has changed.......but it hasn't.

Each day isn't a gift.  It is an option.  Some days fucking suck, they do.  I am not a rosy, kittens and rainbows, type of lady. I am a realist.  I am a mama bear when it comes to those I love and would do anything to stop them from hurting or from others hurting them. I am gritty, raw, and sometimes too much for people to handle.  I am passionate and persuasive and can carry quite a wallop.  I was taught to hit once and make it count, so you don't have to hit again.  I am married to someone with more patience and understanding in his little finger than I can muster throughout my entire body.  I cuss like a sailor, I am a damn good therapist, and I will do anything to preserve a woman's right to chose their health care...even if I can't chose mine.

So our lives had a few rough bumps, we were 26 and on our way to our cross of our checklist of life to-do's. 


Stage 3 Cancer.

Our lives changed, we adjusted, we rallied the troops and we are putting on one hell of a fight.  But it is still cancer, stage 3, and that fact doesn't escape either of us.  We don't talk about it, because it is too scary.  We take one day at a time, because planning ahead seems futile when you aren't sure if tomorrow will be one of my "good" days.  I would give anything if our only concern was whose turn it was to take out the fucking garbage.  Or I was miserable and swollen because I was in my third trimester rather than going through chemo.  We are the sinner and saint mix that works.  

I sometimes sit on the floor and cry, I go through boxes of kleenex while Scott is at work so by the time he gets home I am out of tears.  I can't dance in the shower as much as I used to because my body hurts to stand that long.  I have mini-panic attacks when I get a mild-grade fever and am afraid of blood work because I don't want to have to be admitted to the hospital.  My body has turned against me, even my implants are making my life hell.  I am not the person I was before and I don't really know how to feel about this new person I have been forced to become.  I guess I have the rest of my life to get to know her.......

look mom, new blood!

Mom and I at the oncologist before heading to the hospital

"There is a storm raging outside--I hear the wind howling, the rain pelting the side of our over sized oval window in our oncology room. A whole floor where specialized nurses can work together with a specialized team--I am in their hands now. I am gently woke up for medications, blood draws or more fluids--there haven't been any bright lights flicked on, just gentle voices making sure I was comfortable and had everything I needed. They think Scott is adorable (too much of this and it will go straight to his head) and most importantly I feel secure. Having cancer makes you question everything, down to a certain test or more fluids............and I thought I was wound tight before."---my first night on St. Joes oncology floor

Scott's bed

Home sweet home--I was discharged from St.Joes oncology wing today after my 5 day stay.  When I originally called my oncologist and left a teary, urgent message stating something was wrong and I wanted to go to the hospital I wasn't prepared that I would actually be admitted.  I went to the oncologist and got lots of fluids and morphine and it was decided that I would be better off if I was admitted--so into Tacoma we went where I was able to stay on the oncology wing (St. Joes was such a great experience compared to my last stay at St. Francis).  I wasn't ignored by nurses and I felt like my concerns were taken seriously and the staff was very accommodating to my boisterous family, my constant insomnia and chit-chat.  

Nick, Me, Kristi

The bone pain was incredible.  I am still shocked that my body could be in that amount of pain, I don't think I could have managed that on my own--thanks for all the positive vibes and thank heaven for morphine.  My counts were low, but remained somewhat steady.  I am no longer a blood transfusion virgin.  I received 2 bags of blood while at the hospital.  I had a panic attack when the nurse was trying to draw blood from my port and was having issues--I kept having to move my head a certain way, lay back, breathe deep....the pain and the medication I was on compounded and I began to cry hysterically.  The poor nurse (who I had the others days as well and she was wonderful) was shocked and not sure what to do.  Luckily for me, I had Scott on one side of me and Kerri on the other holding my hands and trying to calm me down........it worked.

My new blood

the CNA wanted me to stay hydrated

Mom was here for part of my stay as well, which was an extra bonus.  When I was hospitalized last time she had already left after taking care of me post chemo--it was nice so she could see how I was doing in person without it being relayed to her--less stress for both of us.

Scott, Me, Luke

I will have my labs drawn and meet with my oncologist on Thursday to see where we are.  Right now I am so bloaty it hurts. My feet, ankles, hands, belly, face, .................everywhere is sore and bloaty. I am left with pain medication, THC pills, and mouth wash.  Because my counts were low and I was not as diligent with my preventative care while in the hospital and I now have mouth sores again!   Still waiting to catch a break.

Josh, Me, Allison

hospital stay round 2

Chemo #4

Dear chemo,
Lets be friends.  I am sick of thinking we are all chummy, working together for the greater good and then I pull the knife out of my back.  You know the knife you jab in right when I think things are going to turn up?! So I just finished up chemo #4 (which leaves me with 2 more) and it was a hot mess.  Chemo itself was great, having Scott and Luke there made the time go by much faster.  The next day was a different story.  I was (still am) in pain.  If you recall after my first chemo visit I wasn't given the Neulasta injection--which is why my ANC went so low and I was hospitalized.  After that mix-up I have received the shot the day proceeding my chemotherapy.  So Wednesday I got the shot..........that is when my world went upside down.  I was able to dodge chemo's knife but didn't see the shot coming my way.  I was in pain, and lots of it. I was sitting in the middle of my bed hysterically crying, frantically calling the on-call stating "something was wrong" "I just wanted to be the in the hospital" and alot of other rash frantic sentences.  When Scott saw me he calls the oncologist and we schedule to go in.  I was pumped full of fluids, given some anti-nausea meds, some morphine and some encouragement.

"I love you"

It was decided that I should be admitted to the oncology wing at St. Joes in Tacoma.  My prior hospitalization was at St. Francis (where scott works, so that was convenient) but a ward suited to my particular needs was much more appealing.  We arrived and I have a private room. I once again cried hysterically on my hospital bed in pain with Scott and mom rubbing my back.  My sisters come by to bring encouragement, laughter, love and food.  I got a surprise visit from Luke!  Allison and Josh made the drive down--lots of positive energy.  At least this time I am not in isolation so I get visitors and attention.

Hey cancer, you picked the wrong bitch

The pain is my bone marrow multiplying rapidly to help prevent my counts from dropping.  The pain is almost unbearable.  It feels like my shins are being split with an ax, my hips are being twisted and ripped apart like a turkey leg and I have a terrible case of vertigo.............and I still have to do this 2 more times.  They aren't sure how long the pain will last that I am currently experiencing, we are just treating the symptoms waiting for it to subside.  I just wanted to update everyone---sorry no catchy/witty comments from me, morphine will take that out of you.  Keep the positive energy coming!

Luke & Scott kept busy

Chemo Eve Round 4

Wishing I had hair

Round 4 is tomorrow...I feel like I should wear those pink boxing gloves because the fight is definitely getting harder. My counts were just high enough to continue with my chemo schedule which means tomorrow is the day.  This also means that there is a pretty good chance that I will have a transfusion and/or be hospitalized before my 5th round....I am okay with that--I am pro with the hospital/ER now...bring it on.

I called my Grandma Lou today, talk about an angel she is just missing her wings.  She is 90 and the sweetest woman you could ever meet. I think I am doing so well just with her prayers and positive thoughts alone.  My mom lives 1 1/2 miles from her and my Grandpa Charlie so they get the "dori updates" daily and when my mom comes here to take care of me after chemo she calls them daily for the update. I am so thankful to all my family that is so supportive from all over the map--love you all!

I am scared for tomorrow.  Chemo hurt last time, bad.......even though I bounced back earlier than before I was in the most pain and on the verge of wanting to go straight to the ER on a daily basis.  I wish I could leave you with something more inspiring because I don't blog (just tweet) for about a week or so after chemo because I can barely make it to the bathroom and back into bed....creating a sentence would be like brain surgery---but to be honest (I know, I know, something new for me) I am fucking terrified and it is overpowering my ability to be witty and gritty. 

Scott and Luke are both going to be at chemo with me tomorrow, so that makes it better, it is less scary to wake up and know one of your best friends is the room next door and your husband is just as nervous as you are.  They plan on playing monopoly while I come in and out of my chemo daze. 

Well I am off to try and get some beauty sleep, which is silly because I usually don't sleep the night before chemo, but there is a first time for everything.