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Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Chemo Truck

I'm back. It has been a week since my 3rd round of chemo. This round was different.........it was worse. 2 of the 3 chemo meds I get build on each other, so I expected it to get worse, but I don't think I was really prepared for it. My past chemo rounds were rough, but I was mostly flat out exhausted and had mouth sores. This time I felt like I was hit by the chemo truck, then it reversed and ran over me again, then again, and again, until I was ground into the pavement. I am having intense muscle spasms, extreme headaches, more nausea than ever, dizziness, numb fingers and toes, my stomach is so swollen and tight it hurts and is tender to touch.... I feel like a bad case of the flu with some gnarly mouth sores and bloody stool thrown in as a bonus.

I still can't believe how hard chemo hits you. I can barley connect words to speak, let alone type. It literally takes a week before I am able to type again. I have finally got a grasp on it though--I am riding it out, but now I have a better arsenal. I am at my half-way point with chemo and am finally out of tunnel vision. When I was diagnosed I was so focused on cancer, surgery and chemo that I lost the holistic part of me that I rely on for balance. Now that I feel like I have a handle on the chemo I am bringing in nourishment for every aspect of this fight. I have started acupuncture again, massage, and lots of good for you supplements. My cells have been depleted from cancer and now are being sucked dry by chemo--I feel guilty that I have been depriving my body of what it needs to rehabilitate--but its better late than never.

This is my jumping off point to better health. You can't really start any lower than cancer, so I feel positive about the momentum I will have. I am going to force myself to make changes. There is nothing like stage 3 cancer to get your ass in gear.

I also owe it to Scott. I don't mean that I feel guilty for having cancer, or that I need to repay him in some way for taking care of me......but I owe him. I owe it to him to be around, to be his rock when he needs it, to embrace new things with. I have been given a chance to see how terrifying it is to think of not being around anymore, forced to fight to live. Things are different now, petty shit isn't worth the limited amount of energy I have to spare. And trying new things seems like a damn good idea. Hell, you only live once and I refuse to let cancer win.

Scott loves the outdoors and running-----I like indoors and sitting. But now that I am being forced to sit and stay inside it has lost its charm. The romantic notion of an afternoon nap has lost its indulgence when you are already in bed a majority of the day.  I wish I could get up and take a walk, or even work out......a complete 180. Scott takes care of me when I have cancer, I learn to like trees........sounds like a plan.

This past Saturday the first Bouncin for Boobies event took place based out of Okanogan. Once again the support I am receiving from my home town is unbelievably inspiring, here is my note of thanks to the participants:

Thank you. There are many things in the world that separate people. You all are participating in an event because we are similar. We are all at risk for breast, ovarian and cervical cancer--it is a secret club that no one wants to join, the initiation is just too rough. But some of us are forced to join, and are able to continue the fight because of your support and participation in events like tonight. In honoring this fight, this shitty fight that some of us are forced to take, the inability to have control of your fate shakes you to the core. But we fight, we fight together, we fight with undeniable support and positive thoughts.

You support me by being you. Individually you are here for your own reasons, but this nasty thing inside me has brought me to you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for participating, for bouncin' for the boobies that I lost!! (and the hair, and the feeling in my feet, and the security I once had and the medical bills I can barely see over)

I am told a lot, that, I am too young to have to deal with this. But no one should have to deal with this! And no one should have to go it alone. I am far from alone here, I have a tremendous support network on this side of the mountains, but nothing beats home. Home is who I am, where I come from, what makes me...me. Many of you have never met me and still you are helping to raise money and support me in this fight. You are stepping out for a cause that hits close to home. We are all in the same fish barrel, I am vigilantly hoping I took the only bullet.

Thank you for being strong, supportive and bouncin'. I welcome you to my fight, I won't let you down.

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