wrong in all the right ways



I am feeling pretty good

 Well I am blogging instead of getting a colonoscopy so my day is looking good so far.  I was scheduled for a colonoscopy today, but after having my blood work done yesterday Scott and I decided that it wasn't a good idea.  My platelets are at 64 (probably lower today, but at 64 yesterday).  My white blood cells are still good, but platelets are what makes blood clot, amongst many other things.  With a colonoscopy there is a high risk of bleeding--normal levels at a minimum are around 150.  The gastro doc said they would do it if it wasn't lower than 50, but 64 was just too close for my comfort.  If it was an urgent issue that needed to be addressed I would have went a head with it, but the benefit doesn't out weigh the risk at this point.

I stayed on a clear liquid diet yesterday until it was decided that I didn't need to prep for the colonoscopy ---which I have had before and it's the shits (HA).  The clear liquid diet extended after the decision was made--white wine is definitely clear, right?

Scott & Luke--my best guys

I am back to being a bit emotionally unhinged--thanks to reiki yesterday.  I love it, but it definitely brings your emotions to the surface, and in my case massive amounts of tears are usually unleashed.   So making the decision yesterday for no procedure was a pretty dramatic experience--luckily the only witnesses were my dogs--and they are sure as hell not talking.  I called Scott and he told both my oncologist and gastro doc that I wouldn't be going a head with the procedure---that saved me some sanity (in their eyes) I didn't have to call and state through tears that I wasn't going to be coming in...........overly dramatic......it fucking happens sometimes....I do have cancer after all....

I have received so much positive energy from others, it doesn't surprise me that I 'go' really well for awhile, riding high and feeling great---then BAM tears and craziness.  I know everyone experiences it, has days where you look in the mirror and think "what the hell is your deal today"....emotions are like finicky babies, you try everything but they still get their way, if it wants to cry it lets you know it.  Poor Scott, he thought I was a bit crazy before cancer...jokes on him.

Pre Maroon 5 concert

I also think it has to do with me feeling good lately.  After chemo and when I am all drugged up my brain runs on coma, then I get up and back into the world and I have sensory overload.  I read emails, facebook whatnot's, cards, and talk to people and I get overloaded.  It takes awhile for me to sort through the emotions to get to the root.  Sometimes I feel guilty for having so many people thinking of me, like when you have die hard sports fans that continue to root for their team even though it is an obvious shut-out.  I am wining the battle, but there is always going to be a war.....

I broke Scott's X box.  Ooops.  When I was having trouble sleeping, or when I couldn't feel my feet and was bed-bound  or post chemo I watched netflix on demand via X box continuously.........until it showed the ring of death (I had to google it, but I recognized that red flashing lights probably wasn't a good thing).  So not only does his wife have cancer but she broke the fucking X Box (he is surprisingly tolerant and lovely). We are just going to have to get a new one---I couldn't imagine my post-chemo days without it.

Me & my father-in-law, who shaved his head when I started losing my hair

My platelets being low can also contribute to me feeling more sluggish than  I have been.  I was able to have a great weekend in the rain for the marathon and go to a concert with my friend Luke AND remain out of bed for the past week and a half---so now waking up and still feeling tired just reminds me that I am still sick.......fuck, I was really on a roll there for awhile.  Sluggishness aside I still feel pretty good.  I am going to get my breast expander's expanded some more tomorrow and then head off to my pre-chemo appointment.