Thursday, July 29, 2010

I miss simple life

Where do you go when each door seems to be shut, sealed, locked, bolted, and surrounded by barbwire? I want to get back to work, but then I end up having a MUGA scan scheduled, eggs removed, and my chemo port inserted. I can't seem to catch a break. I plan to go to visit Allison for her birthday and have a lunch--I wake up in extreme pain and have to take pain meds=day is shot. I want to watch a TV show, hormones make me cry hysterically at a Law & Order episode. I want to get dressed in the morning--just put on a fucking shirt and pain shoots through my chest. I want to do laundry, Scott brings the hamper downstairs (I know I can't lift that), but I can't reach into the hamper to get the clothes at the bottom--so I dump them out and scavenge. How I am going to get the soaking wet clothes from the washer to the dryer is yet to be determined. I want to have my breasts back..........well you know how that one ends.

I am afraid that I am going to forget this...the agony and hopelessness I feel now. That someday I will be the person I was before all of this--complaining of the weather, taking advantage of life, not appreciating the essence of having friends and family, not recognizing daily gifts and the comfort of true relaxation...

I want to have a baby. So I go through the gauntlet of fertility treatments--currently, my stomach is swollen and my belly-button unrecognizable. I am starting to hold fluid in my ankles and am beginning to have cramps. I have been going in every-other-day for vaginal ultrasounds and blood draws. I am a pin cushion and get injections (3) daily from Dr. Scott and Dr. Kerri. Finally, yesterday I did it myself. I will do it again today, the last ones of the cycle. (small victories) I will have surgery Saturday to have the eggs that have been forced to grow inside my ovaries removed...then Scott will do his part, eggs will be fertilized, frozen and stored in Reno for at least 5 years. Scott and I will probably need to schedule a time to visit those eggs for a vacation..........

Monday I will be sedated again to have my chemo port inserted......and am crossing my fingers that I will be able to make it to work and see clients on Wednesday. I have went from someone who schedules everything and was organized, and put together--to someone who can barely relax enough to make a schedule, or get dressed in the morning.

I miss what I like to call "simple" life--life before cancer. Stress is now a daily activity, I should just write "breakdown" and schedule them in my planner. I also feel like desserts should be delivered, just like pizza. I feel like a cancer diagnosis should come with a personal masseuse, a therapist that moves into your house, and a filter for those people who give you the "poor girl" look. Also all the cancer books that you feel like you need to read should be turned into movies........

Well my life is far from simple, and I am beginning to embrace "breakdowns" because they remind me I have feelings--that underneath all this medical bullshit, cancer, tests, blood draws, sedations, sympathy, bills and surgeries--I am still the gritty, sarcastic woman that had a plan just went off course and will be for awhile, like a road trip--great moments happen on road trips..............


  1. I would LOVE to deliver a your order any time! I'm serious about that too Dori :0)

  2. Just hugs. Visions of you holding your newborn, fufilling a dream that is being put on hold....for just a while! Health and happiness will await you.

  3. LOVE your last paragraph (and you. and your whole blog) but yea-i agree!! cancer diagnosis should DEFINATELY come w a masseuse, and a cancer card of some sort giving u rediculously cheap (ie: free) things everywhere you go! :O)) did i mention free airfare, vacations and spa packages??!!!! seriously.

    with love from lindsay <3 <3 <3