no such thing as a quick fix

Mom, Me, Scott at my last hospital stay--they are rubbing my legs because of the severe bone pain

Well I am back on the westside after spending a wonderful holiday in Okanogan at my moms.  I was able to see friends and family (though kept small) and I am warn out.  I can't believe how tired I am, just from talking.........it has been awhile since I felt like gabbing so it is a good thing, but now that I am back home my body seems to be turning on me once again.  I am getting pretty sick of it, so sick I am just brought to tears because I no longer know the rhythm of my body and am unsure of what is going on. 

the nurse made great hot packs for my shin pain

I have finished chemo, so I begin Herceptin next Friday.  I know my body is detoxing and getting ready to function without chemo, but it is lagging in the process.  I have moved from having diarrhea to "normal" poop (something that should be celebrated, especially if you are plagued with chemo diarrhea) but now am beginning to bleed........I know that is too much information but it is what is happening, this is a blog about what is happening, so learn to roll with the punches here readers.  I had to cancel a prior colonoscopy because my platelets were too low, as a result I know have to wait until the end of January to have another one---------fuck.  Too long to wait. I have an oncology appointment tomorrow so I will be seeing if they can pull some strings and get me in earlier.  I can't live like this for an entire month.  I feel like a little kid who gets constipated and is scared of the toilet---it is a bad "Look Who's Talking" toilet monster movie...................................and I am 27.

Despite the #2 set back I am feeling better. I have manged to stay out of the ER for a week so I am taking the small victories.  My body is aching: my wrists, ankles, and knees are so sore by the end of the day I am reaching for pain medication.  It is hard for people to understand what I mean when I say "I just hurt."  I know prior to this experience I wouldn't have.  My body just hurts now..............imagine how hard daily things would be if your body just hurt. If going to take a shower was all you could do because afterwards your body hurts so bad you can barely sit up and make conversation.  Everytime you blow your nose it is bloody.  You want to smile but it hurts....I think you get the idea here.  My life has definitely changed and my body is learning to heal.........slowly.

fell asleep while eating, spilt soup--too many meds

 New year, new you..............that saying has never been so true in my case.  I am looking forward to 2011, even for the mere fact that I won't have chemo scheduled.  I know I am not feeling up to a big celebration, but internally I will be.  When I even think of waking up and not hurting (both physically and mentally) I cry.  I would give anything to wake up and feel like sitting and having coffee with Scott, feel like making a meal, like going to work, like walking around the fucking block.  I feel restricted by the steroid weight gain and am sure that is part of why I hurt so bad---I lost my breasts and gained a belly---my legs are probably really confused.  The last thing I want is pity, I just want people to understand how hard it is to live a "normal" life--and how much I want it back. 
 

Scott slept on the floor.....in a hospital.....that's love.

I feel like I have been tricked...........done with chemo (celebration), then forced to look at the reality of what building my life back up will require and there are many times during each day that I think it will be too much for me to handle.  I don't know if I will be strong enough.  When I was going through chemo I knew what I was fighting---chemo was evil, but I was holding its hand working to fight cancer.  Now I won't have the reality breaks that chemo gave me (the week or so I was so out of it I didn't have to be aware of what I was going through). I would go to the hospital and just know I had to get through that day, then the next and the next..........it wasn't overwhelming--it was compartmentalized and easy.  I know it is ridiculous and I am exaggerating (I am a therapist remember) but it feels like too much.  I know I won't have my old life back, and that at the end of this I will be better than I could have imagined..............it is the hard work in between that I am a bit afraid of. 

my mom, also on the floor....lots of love!

I thought cancer was scary, but this rebuilding of my body and my life back to something that I can recognize is scary, like pee in your pants, hide behind someone scary.  This journey is far from over, in fact...I think it is just beginning.  A journey of healing now that the "fight" is over?  I don't think so.  I think I need more fight and fire under my ass now than I did when approaching chemo..........

I thought that after chemo was done I would feel something different, I would feel healed………but I still feel broken.  Best part about broken things? They can be fixed!

Maybe I will start with a tattoo, I know how to help that heal.

merry christmas eve

Yep folks, you read that correctly..........Christmas Eve.............not Chemo Eve............that is the best gift EVER.  After my first road trip since treatment I made it home for the holidays.  One of my sisters has a terrible cold and drove over (I am still on pain medication and haven't drove longer than 15 miles in 5 months so I wasn't the 1st choice) but we all made it safe and sound.  So far so good.

I am feeling a bit better each day since my ER visit........another great gift.  I am a huge fan of Christmas, not necessarily the religious part, but the overly commercialized part, lights, trees, food, booze, and family.  I also love to give gifts (all year) so Christmas is well......like Christmas for me.

I am still not sleeping the best, but I am using my sisters laptop and watching holiday movies while the rest of the family sleeps, it works out pretty well.  I wish I was full of holiday wisdom and lots of profound things to say, like I sometimes came up with for Chemo Eve, but I am a bit exhausted, my arm is aching and my stomach is so bloaty I somewhat resemble Santa.  But I am here, having a great time with family, and the only thing I would wish for is Scott to be here too (but someone has to work!).  So my Christmas wish list is almost complete, can't ask for a better holiday.

Sometimes it feels like you are playing tag with life, and life is the little bitchy kid that punches you when they say "tag".......then you turn, watch life fall and scrape its face up on the asphalt............Merry Christmas.

let's chew the fat

Scott & I

Well folks, I hope you are sitting down.............I feel a bit better today.  I have pulled myself out of the pit of woe-is-me and laughed, smiled and joked.  It honestly didn't have anything to do with me, I just physically felt better and when I can keep away from the hospital or toilet for longer than 10 minutes, can stand up straight and can keep food and water down--you would be surprised how fast your mood swings in the up direction.

Unfortunately feeling better has nothing to do with my oncologist appointment I had this morning, but everything to do with my ER visit last night.  I hadn't kept food down in days and was starting to not hold fluids down either, Saturday night I spent on the bathroom floor throwing up stomach acid........Scott was pretty persistent to take me to the ER but I refused (did I mention I am super stubborn?).  Then when Sunday rolled around and it continued it was easier to persuade me.........Scott wanted me to go in before he got off work so he wouldn't have to go back after he got off.  So I caved, called Kerri, and to the ER we went. 

Happy Holidays!

I dislike hospitals a lot.  That is where sick people go......but unfortunately I am sick, and I am an ER frequent flyer.  I am so thankful that Scott works at a hospital that is close to our house and that has a fantastic ER and staff.  Prior to deciding to go to the ER I received a phone call from Scott and he told me that he was given a card signed by a lot of the ER staff and a hefty monetary donation.  I was brought to tears, lots and lots of tears.  Not only have these people seen me on a pretty regular basis clogging up their ER with my family, but Scott is new to the hospital.  Unbelievable.....what amazing people!  So to the ER I went, where I went straight back to a room (it was also pretty slow) and saw a great doc (who I have seen before) and my favorite part.........they listen to me, understand where I am coming from, know the meds I need and get right to it!  I was a bit worried that it wasn't going to work........pumped full of nausea meds and I was still dry-heaving and having lots of stomach pain. But after some more meds I fell asleep for a bit and the pain and nausea subsided!! So I got to go home--I was a bit worried that I was going to get admitted again, which is why I was so reluctant to go the night before.  Thank you ER Staff!!!!

So I am on pain medication to help with the intense, sharp, crazy pain in my stomach (that is still continuing today).  I went to my oncologist, was in tears telling him about the pain.........and was told to call if it didn't get better and was sent on my way.  Well fuck, couldn't you have told me that on the phone and I could have slept in past 7:45am?!  But on the plus side I felt well enough today to eat 2 decent meals, go to a movie with Scott and even brave the craziness that is Target this close to Christmas. Victory is mine!  Though probably not for long because as I write my intense pain is coming back....and I already took my pain pill.

But for now I feel half-ass normal so I will take what I can get.  I took another shower today, that is 3 in a row, doing pretty good here.  And let me tell you that I have the chub-rub from hell.  If you read that and have no idea what I am talking about, then you have thighs that have that empty space in-between them......I don't.  So when I wear my oh-so-sexy-cancer moo-moo's (yep, that is plural) my thighs rub together--so it is great that I can get out of bed, but my thighs pay the price....

Scott and I have conversations about what would happen if zombies attack and we both agreed he would have to put me down because (even when healthy) I am not the outdoorsy survivor-type and I would hold him back.  He told me that if there was an attack by zombies he wouldn't eat me because he wouldn't want "catch" my cancer. Instead he would just put me down, then eat our basset hound Lucy.........

yep, he would eat that pretty face

I scheduled my next infusion, which will be Herceptin only, for January 7th.  It is only going to be about 45 minutes and the side effects are much less than chemo..........so it should be a "smoother" ride than before.  Today my oncologist actually said "it's a broad stretch but think of it like taking a Tums."  I know that was supposed to make me feel better (I think it did help Scott) but it sort of felt like punching me in the eye.  What if I do have the side effects?! God knows I have had almost every awful chemo side effect, who knows how I will react.......does that mean I can't take Tums?!  Treatment is treatment is treatment.  It is hard and it all reminds you that you have cancer. So yes I am excited that it is just Herceptin...........but it can cause heart failure and a barrage of other problems, it ain't no Tums.


I am waiting for the day that I wake up and don't have to take medication to make my body move.  I am looking forward to the days where I get to hug all the people who have been sending me love, support, positive thoughts, prayers, and everything else in their bag of tricks!!! When I can have a normal week of work, a date night with my hubby, friends, and get to be around babies and mamma's again!!!  Normalcy will trickle back into my life in bits and pieces, I can't wait until the puzzle comes together!

I miss births SO much! Great new family!!!

My stomach is starting to hurt like hell, but I am not running to the toilet so the day ends well in my book.  Oh, and I bought new pants today! Don't get too excited..............they were XL mens sweatpants............goodbye chub-rub (and any possible style), hello comfy.

get by with a little help from my friends

My Chemo Graduation Hat (made by Kerri)

I know it has been awhile, but after chemo and a hospital stay--I must admit that I felt some pressure for my first blog post "post" chemo.  Wierd, but oh so true.

I had a great last Chemo Eve and my final chemo wasn't too bad either.  It is just the crap that happened as a result of the last chemo that has kept me absent from the real world for awhile.

So...I am back, sort of.  I still feel like shit and today has been the first day I have made it to the couch for longer than a few hours.  After my 6th (final, most recent) chemo I ended up in the hospital (again) due to severe bone pain, neutropenia, and feeling just plain lousy.  The hospital was probably my worst visit yet--not because of the care I received--but because the amount of meds I was on.  It was insane.  I feel like I was the super drunk girl at the party and am embarrassed (been there, done that).  I was on so much medication I was nodding off like every pain-pill addicted person on Intervention; I spilt soup and water on myself; and was talking nonsense to everyone who would listen.......not my best moments. 

Scott and I at my final chemo--Chemo Graduation!

As a result of my hospital stay my body is not only detoxing from chemo, but from enough meds to put down an elephant (times 4 days).  I have diarrhea like you don't even understand (too much info?, too bad).  Instead of shower dancing I might as well take up toilet dancing because that seems to be my only stop other than the bed these days.  I have hot flashes that are pushing pain meds through my skin like cheese through a grater and if I see one more TV commerical for cologne I am going to hit my TV. 

I was fortunate enough during my hospital stay to have my mom here too.  I was a bit crazy with the meds but had the support of my family in the room which makes all the difference.  I may have been the drunken girl at the party--but I had a great group of cockblockers (you know, the drunk girls friends who just won't let you get too close........priceless).  I have received lots of messages asking if I am okay--being absent from facebook and the blog for so long--everyone knows I must have felt like real shit--I did (still do) but I am back, because this is the one strand of normal that I have left.

Chemo Eve Sexy Face

I am building myself back from the ground up--it is a bitch.  My body hurts everywhere, I can barely stand in the shower, I have no appetite, I cry all the time (right now, crying), we are out of kleenex so I am using toilet paper, I can't sleep and am tired all the time, it is even too much work to let the dogs out and feel functional enough for them to rely on me during the day.  I am so fucking sick of being sick I want to scream.  I was mean to Scott last night, just because he can get up and go to work and that just seems to foreign to me at this point.  I keep seeing the Starbucks commerical for "snow days" (I cry, then get fucking pissed because even if it was a 'snow day' I have nothing to take a 'snow day' from..............my world is pretty one dimensional at this point).

Final Chemo Crew

At this point I may feel like my life sucks and my body is so foreign I am not sure how it functions at this point, I know that this will pass.  I feel like my body is being torn apart from the inside out, every day.  I know I will feel better and everything will work itself out--however that will end up.  But right now I will wallow in a bit of self-pity and do my best to get my ass out of bed, and at least to the couch.  And keep my fingers crossed that I will  be able to make home for the holidays. And as soon as I find the transfer cable for my camera, I will put up some pictures from my hospital stay--some of them are pretty priceless.

Chemo Eve, we meet for the last time

It is not only Chemo Eve, it is my last Chemo Eve!  I am sad to say that I am so drained that at this point I am emotionless.  If you were to have talked to me earlier today I would have stated "how excited I was"
 but now at 2:30am I am just tired and want to get some sleep before I have to wake up and jump into chemo..........unfortunately we know this probably won't be the case.

My life with cancer has been anything but easy--name a side-effect and I have gotten it, I have been hospitalized, had numerous ER visits and felt like shit, I have wanted to die, I have wanted to live and I have questioned what I have done in my life to be put through this amount of torment. I love what cancer has made me realize, the things I hold dear and the amount of importance I now place on daily activities---but what I don't love is the fact I will fight this battle for the rest of my life. No one, NO ONE, deserves that.

Now that I am done with chemo I still have a few more weapons in my arsenal to fight cancer, I will remain in treatment for 5 and a half years. I look forward to being a foster mom and becoming healthy during this time....................but I still remain covered in goose bumps when I think about the ticking time bomb that remains inside of me, a part of my DNA.............

Tonight was my final Chemo Eve, what a great time with good frozen pizza, booze and friends/family.  Chemo Eve gives me a good emotional place to being the battle with chemo, I have to say that it was a brilliant idea and I encourage those going through treatment to have a Chemo Eve Party and surround yourself with those who you love to bring as much positive energy to chemo the following day as possible--it has sustained me. I also think holistic therapies have made it easier for my body to handle chemo (massage, acupuncture, Ayurveda and numerous supplements).

I am too exhausted to say anything profound but I look forward to my first blog after I come out of my 'chemo fog' in a week or so...........thank you for all your positive thoughts, energy and love, I couldn't have fought this fight without you.

cancer, cancer, and more cancer

Chemo Eve:
"Twas the night before chemo, as I sit up in bed,


Thoughts of living and dying float through my head.

My chemo bag is on a hook by the door,

My blanket is folded and ready on the floor.



My husband in nestled all snug in our bed,

While visions of running and athletic stuff dance in his head.

Me in my moo moo and slippers too,

I count down the hours, now it’s just a few.



5 chemos down and just one more to go,

I look forward to a healthy holiday with snow,

Scott’s snoring creates such a clatter,

I hit him with a pillow and just get madder.



The moon doesn’t sit on my breast, there is no new fallen snow,

I had cancer you see, and my breasts had to go.

No reindeer, Santa or even a nipple,

My spirit remains strong, it has yet to cripple.

My lovely husband so lively and quick,

I knew when I met him he wasn’t a prick,

More rapid than eagles my fears begin to take over,

I really could use a good luck clover."



But a clover I yet to find, the love of friends and family keep me alive. There are not enough words to thank each of you..............I am as strong as all of you combined and with that dedication, support and love. I have tackled cancer head on and put my fear a side.  I am a survivor because you believe in me.
 
Tomorrow I face my last chemo, tomorrow I begin the rest of my life, tomorrow I am what you knew I could be.
 
Thank you.

Benefit Pin Up Calendar!!!!!

http://www.lulu.com/product/calendar/2011-kick-breast-cancers-ass-pinup-calendar/13991265

This 13-month wall calendar, featuring 13 gorgeous Pacific Northwest pinup models, makes a great gift for anyone who loves pinup photography. All proceeds from this calendar will benefit an amazingly courageous young woman, Dori Greenaway, who was diagnosed at age 26 with invasive ductal carcinoma (stage 3 breast cancer)....

Thank you to everyone involved in the making of the calendar..........it is truly amazing!!! If you are interested in purchasing the calendar it is $20 and just click on the link above.

hugs~Dori

bulletproof

So I have went from having a 'stomach' to a 'belly' and from having cheek bones to well....no cheekbones--I look like I am glowing, but it is actually just sweat.  And I have decided that I like it, I may only slightly resemble my old self--but I am killing cancer; I will take that over cheekbones every time!

I saw a pink feather mini christmas tree today and I almost bought it for chemo eve--then I realized I only have 1 more so it would be a waste---ONLY ONE MORE (next Tuesday)!!!!! And since I had an allergic reaction last time, I think my body is ready for it to be the last one just as much as my mind is. 

this was opened on my 5th round of chemo...

In honor of my last date with chemo here is a recap of my first, from one of my first blogs after my 1st round of treatment:

"You know those days in college where you had partied so hard you couldn't remember the day of the week it was when you woke up, where you went, if you actually had fun, and what you did or did not do? Well, welcome to chemo. It took me awhile to rationalize with myself that today is Monday---almost a FULL WEEK since chemo--WHAT?! Where the hell was I? Well I can tell you where I was--in bed, a.s.l.e.e.p. pretty much for a full week. I can't recall how I got up to use the bathroom, take medications or eat, but apparently I did (I must be magic). Or......it could have something to do with the water/Gatorade fairies I have because every time I rolled over dying of thirst--there it was. Brilliant little things (hugs to mom and Scott).

My 1st round of chemo (the good old days, hair and all)

So now I am a bit out of the stupor but still so weak it takes a lot for me to sit upright on the couch. My arms feel like they are being held down by weights and my throat constantly burns. I have an acne like rash all over my chest and on my face--so when I look in the mirror I resemble myself in 7th grade (not the best memory). I have mouth sores (around my mouth), thanks to chemo and heart burn so bad that it burns up into my ears. I hope that chemo is ravaging the cancer cells like it is every other part of my body...whew this is going to be a long road (5 more times).

I took a shower today (you should applaud here)and conditioned my hair. HA HA HA--conditioning my hair is like polishing a turd (I am pretty sure that is a saying). I will be losing my hair soon, conditioned or not. I am actually looking forward to it, once I lose it, the night sweats will be much easier to deal with....

Not much as happened in my world in the last week. I just hunkered down and held on. That is my plan for the rest of treatment...go with it. I can't really fight it because chemo wins (every time), but if I embrace the nasty, tongue-in-cheek bitch that it is maybe our friendship will create a miserable balance of health and sanity. Many authors have to go to experience things (trips, step out of their comfort zone) "eat, pray, love" shit before they can write their first book. My experience just landed smack dab in my lap--well technically my boob, but I'll take it just the same.

Usually when life throws me lemons I would exchange them for limes to put in a corona, but this experience is helping me let go.............of a lot. I hold grudges, I have to be right, I don't like to lose, I would prefer to look "good" a majority of the time, I get anxious, I get angry, I sometimes react before I think things through, I want the house cleaned "my" way, I want to be sure everything is just how "I" want it..............me, me, me, me. But it was me with control.......now I am me with no control over any part of my body, which trickles down into the rest of my life......at the end of the experience I hope to be more lighthearted, less of a control freak and appreciate the small, daily things. #1 being able to get out of bed without having to run to the toilet--but you get the idea.

I have said it before, I don't want to be who I was before, cancer is a life changing experience (and I am embracing it the best I can). I imagine for many it is devastating and their life recuperates in a much different way than I am foreseeing mine. This is a shitty, long detour, but one with scenic routes, loved ones, good meds, amazing people and a lot of self-reflection. So buckle up--you are all in it with me."

Thanks for staying on this crazy-ass ride with me.

it should have been different, but it wasn't different was it?

Last ER visit........I was neutropenic

Well, it is after midnight............so one week from today, I will undergo my last chemo treatment--bitter sweet.  Without chemo I am fighting this alone......or at least that is what the little voice in my head that creeps in with a whisper in the dark of night, when I lay sleepless with my eyes open, trying to conjure up some sort of relaxing imagery (which, by the way, I have found is a waste of time when you are already wound so tight you can feel your heart beat in your ears.............).  Without chemo things can grow....not just my hair, but tumors and cells and the shit that is being annihilated right now........it can grow.......that is scary. (I bet you were expecting me to say 'and I too can grow, from this experience' but I am not feeling to 'glass-half-full' tonight).

Sometimes I feel like, if I just went somewhere else, this would be easier.  I would be on "vacation" so things would have an easy-breezy type of feeling..........I wouldn't be dipping into the negative, I would have a drink (or 7) with a little umbrella in it and my fears would melt away.  I would still have my diagnosis, but the fear would be gone---worth the plane ticket if you ask me.  There have been a few days where I felt minutes away from booking a one-way ticket to anywhere but where I am. Far from realistic, you can't run from your problems.........and denial and I don't really work so well together.  I can handle this, I have been handling it, but the closer I get to the end of my chemo cycle the more the fear is sneaking in..............the thought of bone scans and PET scans and waiting for the other-shoe-to-drop may drive me crazy.

Worry is the monkey on my back.  We have known each other my entire life (heavy bastard), I was a worrier before cancer, I remain a worrier now, and I can only imagine the future.  I know I don't have control over a vast majority of my life--hell, I worry about that too!  If cancer doesn't kill me, the worrying about cancer might.  This is what I will work through while I run my fat ass off on the treadmill after I regain enough feeling in my feet so I don't fall off this treadmill at the gym and make an even bigger ass of myself.

Jessica, Me, Hiley at the Seattle Marathon this past weekend

With the end of my chemo coming up a few thoughts have been running through my head:

1. I will never be embarrassed, scared, or shy of telling people my age.  I don't care how old, 30, 40, 90.....each birthday I chalk up is a big old "fuck you" to cancer.........and I never understood that "lie about your age" business anyway............if you have wrinkles or your boobs are a bit saggy I am not going to guess 29 anyway.....

2. I have a ticking time bomb now tied to my veins.......statistics are scary, I am a survivor.........but more than likely will have to battle this again, it's realistic, it's terrifying, it's probably the truth.  I will continue to worry for my friends and family.........anyone who was born with a vagina...........statistics are scary and unfortunately if you are born with one, you are probably born with boobs and BAM those statistics skyrocket.  My body has turned on me, and no matter how much I try to stay ahead of it..........it has a mind of its own.  But I could also get hit by a bus tomorrow........so I will do my best to keep that in the back of my mind and work on the guided imagery................of me hitting cancer with a baseball bat.

3. Scott is not only pretty fantastic, but he has held me up when I couldn't find the strength to......both literally and figuratively.  I new I was lucky because he is one of the nicest people I have ever met......one of those "give you the shirt off his back" type of people--they are a rare find, I found one......  But at 26 you don't find many guys going through what this has put him through.......I bet he is the ONLY 26 year old that has ever said "you can wear my pajama pants to the movies, they look fine" (and meant every fucking word) to his wife--I didn't wear them but I know if I chose to he would have held my hand and not gave it a second thought.  This may seem small, but I think it is a great example of how he looks past what this has done to me physically and remains solid in our relationship........something a lot of guys in their 20's just don't understand. We are stronger together, I am better for having him, I am not sure I could do this without him.......

4. People are amazing when you give them the chance.  People jump on the bandwagon, not sure where it will take them, but they are willing to ride it out because they care.........it is truly unbelievable.

I just hope the bandwagon runs over the fear.....or at least gives me a real good head start.

I want the merry-go round!

Minutes before my mastectomy in July..............where I buckled in for this roller coaster.

Today my body has been pretty sore.  I am still having trouble sleeping and I thought--if crazy bitches are out there shopping right now, the least I can do is slap a blog together before I try this whole sleep thing again--or my meds kick in and do their job, they really have been slacking lately.

One holiday down, one more to go.............then I am finished taking a second seat to cancer.  Today was far from a typical turkey day--but it was wonderful just the same.  What is important to me is that everyone I love (near and far) were safe and having fun of their own, surrounded by lots of love and laughter. Traditions are something that I love to tweak and continuously rework---traditions can be fun but don't always have to be the tent poles of holidays; things change, people change, and with those changes holidays, traditions and life has to change.  I am thankful that my family and friends are adaptable and resilient---not all of us jungle worthy....but everyone is looking good for natural selection. 

People who have problem with change have issues with traditions changing...it is my assumption that this would extend to life events including cancer, loss of a job, etc..... (important to remember that I love to have control of things, I make lists miles long, just to add another list to them the next day, and I am would tighter than.............well something really fucking tight).  Though I am a person who loves to have control, I am adaptable............I am a freaking doula!  You can't control babies or mamas-you have to let things happen and embrace each change, same as life.  So when I found out I had cancer I used both 'sparkling' sides of my personality---I bought every book possible and did more research than I did in graduate school, and accepted that I was never going to be the same, everything was going to change and buckled myself and loved ones up for one hell of a ride.

This is not the first time traditions changed in my family.........when I met Scott (who works every holiday) my family and I decided that it isn't the day that is important--it is the time you get to spend together, so not just on the 25th of November...........we can do thanksgiving anytime, as with other holidays.  Scott and I are on the same page and we have celebrated holidays since we have been together on random days, random hours, random, random, random...and wonderful.  Once we have kids we are excited to create traditions with them and bring what we have done and bits and pieces from the Greenaways and Barkleys into a beautiful blend of love, tradition, fun and laughter--I can't wait!!

When my dad passed away, the holidays were still coming at the end of the year--traditions were going to change..............a lot.  My mom and my sisters and I became a meld of tears, laughter, a fuck load of kleenex, beer, love and Greenaway blood.  We all changed when my dad died, we had to adjust--we weren't given an option, we couldn't bury our heads in the sand, there was no going back.  Our family will never be the same, but what came out of my dad passing away what the incredible strength he had instilled in my sisters and I and how incredible and empowering my mom is!  We Greenaway girls are tough--I know my dad is proud and I also know that when I need it in this tooth and nail fight I am in with cancer, he gives me a kick in the ass. 

Holidays are hard too........it isn't always a love fest, not always rainbows, kittens and marshmallows.  I have been lucky enough to have grown up with a family where holidays are great and not full of tension (yeah, we have some crazies....myself included on occasions) but in the end it is love and laughter.  For the first time that I can remember, holidays are hard for me right now.  I am not myself, I have fucking CANCER, no hair, no boobs,a bad memory, infections on top of infections, I am exhausted, I am fat, I am in pain, I shudder when I look in the mirror, and I really don't feel like celebrating much.  I don't want to get dressed up to sit and eat turkey, even surrounded by those I love.  So I didn't.  My sister came over, we drank mimosas, she made challah bread and we ate pizza---it was wonderful.  There was a range of TV watching, stand up comedy, oldies music clapping, and laughs--and I did it all in Scott's pj pants and the same t-shirt I wore to bed the night before........................fancy.

this battle is hard work

For me to get ready (takes 15 minutes.............feels like I ran a fucking marathon).  Even wearing jeans has become miserable....it hurts, I can't breathe and I sweat like crazy............my makeup runs and it looks like I have been crying (which in reality is a precursor to me crying).  Many days I don't like to do it, I guess it is lucky that I don't feel I have to very often.  When you come to visit you will find me in my husbands pj pants, a loose t-shirt, slippers (love you Tas!), and a blanket near by for after a hot flash.  In my house I am comfortable........but I don't want to do that when I go out "into the world"  because people already stare........that would make it worse--it would confirm what everyone was wondering---I am a "sick" person.

I am looking forward to the future where I am not locked in a battle with cancer.  This battle sometimes takes over my life and I forget that someday it will get better.  I have minutes, hours, and days where I feel sorry for myself, and have "poor me" moments.  Sometimes I scream and yell--the only reason being I can't think of words to express what is going on in my head.  With tragedy comes change, it is inevitable--but you can chose how you come out of it, what you will be when it is all over.  The roller coaster will come to a stop, you adjust a few things, wipe the tears out of your eyes, adjust your hair a bit, throw up if you need to, and move on to the next ride.   I am really looking forward to unbuckling my safety belt and running for the fucking door.  This ride sucks, I want off now.

--------I am still me, it's just me with cancer and the changes that come with cancer.  Soon I will be me, just me putting myself back together after cancer.........................then I will be the new me---she is yet to be determined..............but I assume she will be pretty fucking fantastic.

turkey shmerky

My counts are officially in the "safe" range--so I no longer have to get the pain inducing shots and I went to the oncologist today to get the access to my port taken out (no more tubes!) and I don't have to go in for daily shots and fluids anymore!!!  My body is still in recovery mode and I am waiting for my stomach to get its shit together because I am sick of it hurting--but I feel it just goes with the territory.  All in all my body is on the mend from low counts and my 5th round of chemo....

I am a little disappointed that I don't have champagne and orange juice to look forward to in the morning, and a few other scattered disappointments, but just feeling like getting out of bed makes for a pretty good holiday at this point--beggars can't be choosers.  Of course my crazy husband is doing the Turkey Trot in the morning (and also running a half marathon this weekend in Seattle)--I have yet to determine if I will be witnessing either of these events...........it is cold outside, my bones are already sore and "I have cancer" (it works for everything).  

Thanksgiving brings out the best in people (or so I hear) I think it is a bit funny that only one day a year people take the time to give thanks.......I have always been one of those people.  I was just (or so I thought) too fucking busy to do it any other time....so the one day I would do it, but it is also mixed with family tradition and stress....................I find the champagne and OJ eliminates the stress in most occasions.  I am far from thankful that I have cancer, but I am thankful for the stuff that has fallen through the cracks of cancer....I now take the time for myself and others---I slow down and make the space.  I have been surrounded by love and support and am able to see what was around me when I was too busy to see it before. I have been forced to slow down and have looked fear in the face and was shown a mirror to my own demise....only to give thanks.

I am thankful to be alive and to give a face and voice to what cancer can do to you--and how it can steal you away from your life.  Cancer is busy taking away things in my life...my breasts, my hair, my lymph nodes, fertility, a restful nights sleep...............so I remain thankful for what I have left and what I will create from cancer.

On the eve of the day of thanks I encourage you to not only be thankful but to be thankful to have each day.  My thoughts have narrowed to be thankful for small things, like being able to get out of bed or remain out of the hospital for the holidays.

When life hands you lemons, make lemonade...then find someone life handed vodka to and have a party.

love and other drugs

Allison & I after my 5th round of chemo

"Love and other drugs" is a great movie title, I won't see it because it looks sappy....but I thought it was fitting.....I have lots of love, and could really use some other drugs!  Well... it has been just under 1 week since my 5th round of chemo--and it has been a bitch.  We were hoping to avoid neutropenia and bone pain by switching from Neulasta (one injection that increases bone marrow very quickly and lasts for a long period of time) to Neupogen (a shot given daily for 7-11 days that increases the bone marrow for just 24 hours).  If you remember, with my last chemo I ended up in the hospital with extreme bone pain and on a pain pump with the Neulasta shot. 

Now everything went belly-up and nothing seems to be working as we would have hoped.  I spent a majority of the afternoon/evening yesterday in the ER due to bone pain.  I had been taking pain meds and the bone pain was increasing with every shot and yesterday was too much.  I had a great doctor and nurse--they even gave me the option of going home, which I chose to do after being prescribed morphine in pill form and being good and doped up on IV pain meds and fluids.  I made it through the night at home, but woke up feeling even worse than before.

The problem is really in the numbers...........my blood work at the ER was disappointing, and despite being on the fucking shot that is still causing me a tremendous amount of pain, my white count is 2.3 which means I am good and neutropenic (just like after my 1st chemo when they forgot to give me the shot to begin with!).  So I have no immune system and all the things that go along with that: watery eyes, chest cough, chest pain, mouth sores, thrush, sensitive skin, bone pain and aches all over.  My legs are even sensitive to touch and carrying my rotund ass around isn't making things any easier.

Today I went to my oncologist and they confirmed everything that I found out in the ER, it was decided that I won't be hospitalized unless I spike a fever.  It is too risky to have me in a hospital full of germs when I have no immune system to fight it.  I started an antibiotic today as a precaution, I received fluids and was given more pain medication.  I will be going to the oncologist for the next two days (at the least) to receive fluids, get my counts drawn and get the Neupogen shot.  My concern is that I have been getting the shots since the day after chemo and my counts are still low......................more to come tomorrow from the oncologist.

Life is pretty rough right now. I really thought that we had it all figured out and this time would be the best yet.  I had a reaction during chemo--so I should have got the hint that things weren't hunky dori.  (speaking of hunky dori....my sisters and scott have decided that I look like Bobby Hill from the cartoon King of the Hill.............I reluctantly admit.... that I agree. 

Love your body & change the world.

As least now that I have to be a recluse the weather is cooperating...it is not like I would go anywhere in this weather to begin with.  As shitty as I feel it was nice to sit on the couch with Scott, a fire going, and watching everyone else stuck in this crazy weather.  Tomorrow I have my MUGA scan (the MUGA test involves the introduction of a radioactive marker into the bloodstream of the patient. The patient is subsequently scanned to determine the circulation dynamics of the marker, and hence the blood) to see if the Herceptin has done any damage, then off to the oncologist. 

Fingers crossed that I don't spike a fever. 

hello chemo eve, let me shake your hand.



"I let myself be angry, then it turns into the fight for my life"---in my pre-surgery room prior to my bilateral mastectomy

"mirror, mirror on the wall"........I don't recognize my own reflection anymore.  It is a disconnect I was not expecting, I still have my dad's blue eyes and my crazy large lipped smiled.....but there is a desperation and tiredness that is foreign to me.  But my face blends in when thousands of other women who have a story, their own desperation, and their own bloaty breast cancer chemo face..............thousands of women whose story you have yet to hear.

My daddy's blue eyes

Tomorrow is my 5th round of chemo, and last night was my 2nd trip to the ER in the past 3 days.  I am pretty sick of being sick.  There was a possibility of a blood clot in my leg, that still hasn't been ruled out (though we are not too concerned) and I will have a Doppler tomorrow while at chemo to make sure it isn't a clot.  If, on the off chance it is, I will be given an injection to thin my blood and break up the clot so it doesn't have the chance to work its way up to my heart, lungs or brain.

Chemo Eve was great, and Scott is very "relaxed" and already passed out next to me (a bottle plus of wine will do that to you).  I know we try to keep tonight light hearted and fun, but I know tonight is when he starts to worry about what is to come with the next round of chemo---that is what keeps me up tonight watching endless hours of netflix on demand and whatever mind numbing show I can find.  Tomorrow will be a new experience for my friend Allison as well.  I have prepped her as much as I can, as I have anyone who comes to chemo with me--I change during chemo...........I visibly get weak and tired and am not mobile.  The desperation and tiredness I see in the mirror takes over and I am no longer myself............even words are hard to come by--at least any that make sense.  The change can be scary for someone to watch, I also have my port accessed which if you aren't familiar with it can be scary in itself. 

All of this has become such a routine to me that it is really frightening when I start to think about it---that is what tonight is about.  It is the night I let myself go there, I worry, I cry, I scream inside for what I have lost because of cancer.  I get to be the bitter, angry cancer patient that everyone expects (and I am normally far from--I take a light hearted approach because without humor I am naked in this fight; humor is the armour that has got me through life, it is how my family copes in time of crisis and I am a firm believer that laughter can assist in a cure, in treatment, and in life)--but come tomorrow I tuck all the anger away with a pretty bow until the next time.  There is no point in being angry or sad--I need to be in a place of peace and vulnerability during chemo--I ride the waves and let go of control--chemo is powerful and it wins every time.  I admit defeat and brace myself for the after effects.  It wins ONLY because I let it win, I signed up for this shit, I don't need your sympathy, I need your support.  Chemo is a necessary evil.


"Throw dirt on me and grow a wildflower"-lil wayne

As usual I assume I will be out of commission for the next week, crazy drunk on chemo.  I will keep the twitter account that runs to my blog updated with changes.  After tomorrow I have one more chemo scheduled...............I can see the light at the end of the tunnel........I just wish the tunnel wasn't so fucking long.

Cheers.

sweeter than a swisher



My girls before surgery

 **a couple of semi-graphic photos are posted below

'Do the pretty girl rock'....well I would, if my damn feet would stop going numb!  For the first time in my life I can where my pjs whenever I want, I buy no hair products, I can shower in 5 minutes because I don't need to wash my hair, shave my legs or armpits, I don't wear foundation because I will sweat it off in 5 seconds and I can get away with anything as long as I end with..."well I have cancer."    People go out of there way to tell me I look good (when in reality it looks like I was hit in the face with a bag of quarters and the bags under my eyes are so big I could use them for carry-on luggage).  I resemble my old self, but am more like a distant cousin who could be related but you aren't sure where some of the genes came from---I am not looking "tip-top" but I also am camera crazy!  I want to have pictures of every part of this experience....I never want to forget what I had to experience to come out on the other side of all this shit.

But what am I doing in my head?..........I am bitching and thinking about how I can change everything that I currently am and get "better"--and not "better" like cancer free, I just want to be skinny and have my hair back.  Wow, I guess  my crazy liberal attitude was blindsided by the superficial barbie that invaded my body..........right now I could be mistaken for a husky 6th grade boy or a 6 month pregnant woman--and in case we aren't clear here---I am neither of those.  Those pictures are going to accompany my story and for many of them there are no words.  My experience just glares right through you. 

I am excited, that for the first time in my entire life, I am looking forward to working out (be careful, hell just froze over and my friend Allison's jaw just hit the floor!). Also, I have been told that a bag of skittles every other day isn't "normal".........well I have cancer!  (see it works for everything!)  Tomorrow is my last day of feeling somewhat like my old self before chemo on Tuesday (my 5th round of chemo).........I plan to sleep in, go to a movie during the day with Scott (less germs), my pre-chemo oncology appointment and then our ritual pre-chemo day party (the term I use loosely)--which really consists of some sort of alcohol, Scott and whoever is accompanying us to the following day's chemo (see you tomorrow Allison!) and my sisters if they are free.  I try to keep my mind off of chemo, but then when everyone heads to bed, I remain awake until morning.  I wish I could record the thoughts that run through my head the night before chemo---they make me want to live and want to die---then by the time I think I have everything worked out and I close my eyes, my alarm goes off and it is time to start my pre-meds............it is the most exhausting night of my life--and the irony is I schedule them.


this is what cancer looks like



seconds before being wheeled into surgery



bye, bye boobs--hello pain




first day home after surgery



a few days after surgery



after 4 chemo's I was hospitalized for the 2nd time and given blood




wowzer





my ER cheerleader (one of my many ER trips)




lots of pain--at oncology before my most recent hospitalization





 IV antibiotics for 5 days last week, me at home with my port accessed--and Lucy



pieces of the same puzzle

My sisters and I--the ER taxi

After receiving the green light from oncology yesterday (to have chemo Tuesday) I was feeling pretty good. 
That all went to hell when I was sitting on the couch and felt a burp coming on............no one was home so I was going to let out a big, what felt like HUGE, belch.........to my shock and dismay this was no burp, but vomit..........yep.......all over myself while sitting on the couch.  This started a 3 hour puking rally that no meds were able to stop........so you know what that means....a trip to your friendly ER.

Luckily my sisters were in Tacoma and they came by and picked me up.  I enjoy arriving at the ER with an entourage, it makes me feel as "home" as you can in an ER. Scott was still working so he was there and I was greeted by some of my favorite ER employees--including my favorite nurse and doctor.  After 3 IV nausea meds, pain meds, 2 bags of fluid, benadryl, and ativan I was finally feeling okay.  My pulse was higher than normal...pushing 130....the doctor wanted to keep me overnight--not because my pulse was high but he was concerned because I am going through chemo and my best guess is he didn't want me to come right back after heading home.  After he saw that my chest x-ray was clear, my labs looked good and I was feeling better he decided it was okay to release me.  I felt 100% better by the time I got home, and now yesterday is a distant memory, I feel fine.  In fact, I was really productive today so I am quite proud of myself.

My ER entourage

I am guessing that in my normal cycle (if my ovaries weren't currently shriveled up like prunes due to chemo) I would be having PMS right now.  I usually go through a crazy clean-freak few days and today is a prime example. I deep cleaned my fridge, cupboards, pantry, and house over all.  I finally can sit in my living room and feel at peace.........not look around at all the shit I want to get done.  This extra week without chemo has given me the freedom to do laundry and de-clutter some of my random "cancer droppings."  That is what I call the trail of stuff I start and can't finish (it drives Scott crazy) because I get too tired, I throw up, or I just forget what I am doing while I am in the middle of it...chemo brain.

So Tuesday marks my 5th fight with this evil bitch we all call chemo.  I am not looking forward to it, but despite that fact, I have been placing my intention and crossing my fingers that I would be able to get the chemo Tuesday...just one step closer to my 6th and final round.  You can bet your ass I am afraid of what will happen once I get the chemo, but that I will take one day at a time.  For now I will enjoy the serenity of a living room that no longer smells like wet dog, a carpet I can sit on and when I get up my butt no longer resembles some strange stuffed animal, and a kitchen that has counters I would actually eat off of.

As I near (what I am hoping is my final) battle with chemo I look back on the past 5 months and am shocked at the amount of stuff I have been through, not just mentally....but physically.  A battery of tests, surgeries, ER visits, scares, infections, and lack of immune system; bitchy nurses, know-it-all doctors, and surgeons who were absolutely amazing; hearing the words "you have cancer" and passing those words on to those around me......engaging in the fight for my life......I will never be the same, my family will never be the same.......and my body is far from anything I can recognize.  But I am alive and still kicking........and let me tell you, I can deliver quite a wallop---those "birthing" hips I have can also function as a steady ground to kick your ass.  I have develop bonds with people who dove into the trenches to be beside me--instilled a since of unity in friendships I have had since childhood, and opened my eyes to a community of people who treated me like family.

Life as I knew it no longer exists..........remnants lay here and there, but picking up the pieces and creating something knew is in my very near future...........I am looking forward to what I can mend, and what I will recreate all together.

Chemo can't defeat me.

Today was my fourth IV antibiotic round and there is still no change in my boob.  Tomorrow after my 5th round of IV antibiotics, I meet with the oncologist to decide if I need to continue through the weekend, and I am hoping to get a straight answer regarding chemo on Tuesday if my boob remains unchanged.  I have had two rounds of pill antibiotics and now this round of IV antibiotics--all with no improvement or change......so we will see. 

I want to share something that was given to me at my 'Chemo Sucks, Parties Don't' party I had prior to starting chemo.  I have it on my mantle and look at it daily, today it resonated with me and brought tears to my eyes and put a huge smile on my face.  It was written by Jennifer Weston, a doula friend of mine and it is amazing and powerful---and extremely accurate.

THE BATTLE CRY

(for Dori, the fighter.)

"Out! Out! Damn spot! Be gone with you!" said the brave young fighter

Rising to the taunting of the raging beast inside her.

"You think I'll shrink from this fight? You think that you can beat me?

It's gunna take a whole lot more than chemo to defeat me!

My breast are not the soul of me, though they were soft and pretty

And though I'll mourn their loss, the rest of me is tough and gritty.

I'll take you on, you sonofabitch, you parasite called cancer

And in this fight I may get bruised, but you? You stand no chance, sir!

You ask me why I'm smiling, and I answer, being candid,

"Because I know something you don't know! I am not left handed!"

It may look like you're winning. True, I may puke and loose my curls

But I have some secret weapons in my arsenal....my girls!

Tough women that surround me with their love and healing hope

Will make the strands that strangle you! Around your neck? Their rope.

They cry with me, they laugh with me, they calmly hold the space

From their presence I draw the strength, to spit right in your face.

Standing by my side, and in my heart? My love! My Knight!

When you take me on, you can bet your ass, it's also him you fight.

When I am weak, he'll stand for me, He's my personal Gatorade

Replenishing the strength I need to kick your ass if I start to fade.

So lets get to it! Do your thing. Just try to take me down!

I think you may just find yourself laid flat out on the ground.

See, the only way for you to claim your victory when this fight ends

Is for you to crush my spirit, and that WILL NOT happen friend!

True my boobs are gone, and though the surgeries are a drag

When reconstruction is finally done...Bionic boobs don't sag!

And when you take my hair, well, then I won't have to shave my calves.

(See, to beat you I choose to focus not on my "have nots" but "have's")

And I'll write it down and send it out so others see my pain

If I can touch one other soul, then I'll count it all as gain.

You may have thought that with one blow, I'd run and hide my head

But all you did was show me all the blessings I hold instead.

So if I we're you I'd wave a flag of white and run like hell

Because you're going down, asshole, each and every cell!"

With all that said, the fighter turned and smiled at the sky above.

Walked into the circle of her tribe, into their light and love.

They linked their hands and hearts, and then with one voice a might roar they cried

'You may have won a battle,

but you WILL NOT win this war!!"



oh shit, my glass is empty

Today was day 3 of IV antibiotics in the sad chemo room--still no change in my boob.  It has been refreshing to not have chemo this week, last night instead of being in my drunken chemo state I had game night with Scott and my sisters.  I am not what you call a good loser, or a good winner for that matter.  I am a bit of a control freak and games are no exception.  Scott calls me crazy (again, not sure when he will understand that it has lost its effectiveness) and he wishes I would relax and just be able to play games.  I am a board flipper and I get annoyed when games move slowly. I like fast paced everything............I know, I need to slow down.

My right arm has began to ache so bad I don't even want to walk, it is kind of hit and miss and no amount of lymphedemic massage seems to help.  Even when I reach for the percocet it doesn't do the trick, just leaves me with a nasty headache and mild comfort for awhile.  My panicky control freak side (as Scott would like to call it, my 'crazy' side) is convinced my arm is going to get very large and I will no longer be able to write with my right hand..........my logical side thinks that if I do have an infection in my right boob my lymph nodes on that side are working their asses of and the pain is a result because with some of them missing, they just don't work so well as a team anymore.

I have been missing home a lot.  The out pouring of support and contact with long lost friends has made me both nostalgic and wanting to visit really bad.  I can't visit because I am on daily IV antibiotics, or it's flu season, or I am nauseous, or I am in the hospital.........so until chemo is done the closest I can get is listening to the country station on the radio--it's driving Scott crazy in the car.  I don't just miss Okanogan and the people, I miss simple times.  I miss shitty beer and camping in cars in the middle of a wheat field.  I am all nostalgic about lots of stuff lately, and teary too--probably due to lack of sleep, chemo brain, and lots of time on my hands. 

I loved where my life was before cancer......I don't like the cancer detour and the worry about getting back on track once the detour is over.....it's fucking scary.  Many things have happened since my diagnosis that never would have happened otherwise, for those things I am thankful.  I have reconnected with great friends, started the blog where I have been able to give an open-book view of cancer and am learning more about myself than I care to admit.  I have had things taken away that I will never get back, a few more obvious than others..........breasts, nipples, trust in my body, and an understanding of how I thought my life was going to go.

I feel as if my future is dicey and my plans are no longer concrete.  I find myself second guessing things I was sure of just six months ago--having children, a PhD program, breastfeeding, living past 35, being healthy.  I keep returning to the thought that my body has turned on me, that if I can't trust my body where can I put my trust?  It shakes my foundation and I don't like to be rocked.  I am not a religious person, I feel that if I was it would be easy to put everything into faith (I have faith in relationships and that things happen for a reason) and not take ownership of what I am feeling and doing about all this cancer business.  That is what it is, a business--we are partners now, cancer and I--definitely a give and take relationship.  Personally, I feel cancer takes too fucking much, but we are working on it.  I will have this "dark passenger" (thank you Dexter) for the rest of my life. I will have to have tests and scans for as long as I live--there is always a chance that my body will turn on me again--no matter how healthy I am, how far I run, how much I work out, how well I eat.......

But what keeps me up at night is the fact that I won't know when or if it will happen.  When I think about future plans I feel selfish. I feel selfish for asking for support, for eating skittles ("sugar causes cancer"), for wanting to have children--not knowing how long I will be around to raise them. I feel selfish for having Scott at my side through everything, not knowing if I will be around to support him in the future.  I worry my life will be cut short by this horrible disease and I will be jaded in the end.  I worry that my stage 3 will become stage 4 and after numerous treatments I will give up. 

"Live life like everyday is your last" has a new meaning, but lets be honest...it is very unrealistic.  If anything I will work on balance in my life and enjoying things more.  I don't take anything sitting down and cancer is no exception, life just has a different taste now and it is going to take some getting used to.